a post for Monday, September 18, 2006
I've been wondering how important is reasoning is, confuse with the fact that, whether it's something that people should say, or...depending on the situation. Long before peopel telling me telling reasoning is important, i always find that the fact that people telling reason on their action is a waste of time, since people..human themself dont trust each other in the first place, if reasoning is the reason that make other believe and know them more, it's just another way to monopolize other people thoughts, like how people do within politics and religions, which sometimes toying with people's mind and thoughts.
All the while i've been keeping quiet, not to give out reason, nor do explain my weird actions. Well, i was naturally born like that tho, and even the group im in last time, is a group that trained people how to be more dicipline, i think that's one of the reason why i'm turning into absolute quiet person who dun care what people say. Wait, do i have to prove that ?
Helping people is just what i always like to do, of course..with the compensation that, he/she wont tell out that im the one who actually do it. I've been living in the dark all the time, becoming the shadow of someone else. But seriously put, until now....i'd rather others wont know that i'd done something good...rather than letting them know. It'll just turn out the fact that i'm a jerk in the end anyway. How ? Think yourself.
Bad things happens around me all the time, people stabbing me from behind just because i never say anything about it, or stand up and to clarify my action is different from what they think. I never do all that, cause i "thought" they' were my friend, and smart enough to get confirmation from me, instead of assuming things without using their brain and thinking the whole picture. At first, i was quite pissed at all this, for knowing what they say....i'd rather not to know what's going on about me. Wants to make me feel bad by talking behind me ? Keep this in mind, you'll fail yourself thinking that, i won't care.
Things had changed...since this person tell me why i never explain things properly. I was thinking, if i explain, from 10 good people, and 1 (me) bad people, i'll made them become 10 bad people, and 1 good people, and at the same time, this person will understand and feel better. Sellfish isn't it, i'm betraying my own life prinsip just because of this one person, and turning everyone into bad people. Suprisingly, at the same time i'm trying to fix things up, by turning back the 10 bad people, into 10 neutral being, by giving out reason "Im sure they dont mean that". Geez, how stupid i am.
And as things goes by, i'd always thought that giving out reasons would be good, since i might avoid some misunderstood and uneccesary sadness that i created without me knowing. It was working well at first, since it makes others to reliase what i do, is totally different, and sometimes unpredictable....well, i would say that unpredictable person is nice to know, since, you'll only know him well if you dont compare with others. But, if a person would still think that they understand this person, and still say they are unpredictable, i would say...they're still comparing him with someone else. So, is it that hard to understand someone ?
If i were to write this and get evaluation, i think i would screw up instead, since there's no actual point that im trying to point out. But, im just saying what im thinking. Who cares what other people think. AND if people who read it and care, im sure they'll put much efforts on it, trying to understand, and ask the composer instead, so that they wont misunderstood..i guess thats why people uses question mark alot. But life has teach me one thing, people would assume, more than anything else. They would treat "You should had known" more than "you should had asked". What are humans now anyway, mindreaders ? if they're not..so you're gonna say they dont understand you at all ? There's so many reason that people trying to create day after day. But whats the point ?
I've found out that,there's actually a couple, which the gf would just go to his bf's msn account, and block girls that she don't know, cause she's worried..which doesn't really mean anything to me, except that..im thinking what's the point ? im too lazy to explain now...wait, i wont..Use your brain and stop stuck in your own thoughts and concept, cause...you're not the only one with brains in this tiny earth.
Last but not least, i wont be giving out reasons anymore on my own actions, it's just plain waste of time and hurting my own feelings. If people would wanna believe what they see and understand, i'll let them be. I cant make people to trust me, it's their life, their choice...for those who know me long, i would even keep quiet even if they ask me why about it.
Monday, September 18, 2006
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Lately, the issue at home has been rised up again, i mean..not only us, among everyone...relatives, non relatives, and etc etc that's not related but yet related.
The bond of this stupid family, i mean..as in the entire blood connection isn't that good to begin with. I wonder if it's cause of those aunties, or maybe it's just the stupidity of some rich, or half rich people.
The very first issue was raised since 1984. When i was born, and was having a slight minor mini arguement between my dad and my grandfather. On whether who should i been taken care by...well, the arguement was rather simple, grandfather insist on taking me cause father got no time to take care of me due to his overflowing work at Bangsar last time, when we used to stay in Wangsa Maju, and father insisted...for don't know what reason tho..well, it's pretty obvious isn't it, cause im his son.
Then the next one i can remember is, the day of entering Kindergarden, i have no idea why i'm studying in 2 kindergarden each of the 2 years..weird...and sad tho, since the bond with my friends arent that good, and there was once i fell off from a monkeybar, and knocked my head slightly a little...maybe that's why i cant remember well what happened.
Entering primary school aint easy...and again, grandfather wants me go to a chinese school, and my father wanted me to go to english school...well, don't know much about the detail tho, but i finally get in a chinese school in wangsa maju...the only thing i remember is, going out at 630 am, and coming back home at 8pm...the only time that i could see my parents is the time we go to class, and waiting for them to come home after work. Other than that, i cant really remember my youth time..
Then the next issue i can remember is, the land in china was illegally taken by someone there to build apartments...due to some financial status, lawyers and such cant be done to take back the land that was originally ours. All they can do is, go there...and take a last glance at the land that we used to have...and because of this, my father's brothers, and my grandfathers brother, argued....weird, all only talks about the benefit of the land if taken back, but no one willing to spend money to hire lawyer to get it back...my grandfather is the only one who spent money on lawyer to investigate..but, it's never enough to put into court and get it back...and the case just droped like this..
hmm...and then again, father wants his siblings to each take 25k to buy a house for my grandparents..but, no one wants....weird isn't..."Family" that suppose to help each other..
Don't know about the detail of operation of my grandfather in China, all i know is, it's all paid by my uncle..my grandma's brother..and again, my father is the only one who look after him all the while..
My father passed away, and my auntie who claimed that she always pay for his medical checkup fees, took all his wills...and again, my father kept quiet about it...
When it comes to money, devil grows around them...there's currently few aunties staying in my uncle's house..all money sucker, and what's wrong that my grandma stay with his brother ? That they still have to complain about..don't mention that, there's one of them is not related to us at all..getting backstab and gossiping around aint something new anymore..
Now the issue of my father possibility of having a kidney stone...no one would even bother asking, except my grandma, and his sister..his brothers ? suckers that ask my sis about him, when he's around here and can ask him himself....i dont' really like the family here, that's why going to penang once a year during chinese new year, is like seeing alot of masked faces people..
and even now for me whom always planning ahead on what to do, run around and walk always...got complained again that im not doing anything..well, pretty obvious isn't it..if i dont do anything, i wont work in subang, i wont even get a job for tomorrow..isn't it...
During my birthday, they can even dare to ask whos birthday cake is that, slicing it up without telling me what they're doing with it..not saying anything or ask about my birthday night or anything at all about it...i've been wondering they care more about my health, my future, my pride...or, my wealth...
Hell, i hate this whole family tree...
The bond of this stupid family, i mean..as in the entire blood connection isn't that good to begin with. I wonder if it's cause of those aunties, or maybe it's just the stupidity of some rich, or half rich people.
The very first issue was raised since 1984. When i was born, and was having a slight minor mini arguement between my dad and my grandfather. On whether who should i been taken care by...well, the arguement was rather simple, grandfather insist on taking me cause father got no time to take care of me due to his overflowing work at Bangsar last time, when we used to stay in Wangsa Maju, and father insisted...for don't know what reason tho..well, it's pretty obvious isn't it, cause im his son.
Then the next one i can remember is, the day of entering Kindergarden, i have no idea why i'm studying in 2 kindergarden each of the 2 years..weird...and sad tho, since the bond with my friends arent that good, and there was once i fell off from a monkeybar, and knocked my head slightly a little...maybe that's why i cant remember well what happened.
Entering primary school aint easy...and again, grandfather wants me go to a chinese school, and my father wanted me to go to english school...well, don't know much about the detail tho, but i finally get in a chinese school in wangsa maju...the only thing i remember is, going out at 630 am, and coming back home at 8pm...the only time that i could see my parents is the time we go to class, and waiting for them to come home after work. Other than that, i cant really remember my youth time..
Then the next issue i can remember is, the land in china was illegally taken by someone there to build apartments...due to some financial status, lawyers and such cant be done to take back the land that was originally ours. All they can do is, go there...and take a last glance at the land that we used to have...and because of this, my father's brothers, and my grandfathers brother, argued....weird, all only talks about the benefit of the land if taken back, but no one willing to spend money to hire lawyer to get it back...my grandfather is the only one who spent money on lawyer to investigate..but, it's never enough to put into court and get it back...and the case just droped like this..
hmm...and then again, father wants his siblings to each take 25k to buy a house for my grandparents..but, no one wants....weird isn't..."Family" that suppose to help each other..
Don't know about the detail of operation of my grandfather in China, all i know is, it's all paid by my uncle..my grandma's brother..and again, my father is the only one who look after him all the while..
My father passed away, and my auntie who claimed that she always pay for his medical checkup fees, took all his wills...and again, my father kept quiet about it...
When it comes to money, devil grows around them...there's currently few aunties staying in my uncle's house..all money sucker, and what's wrong that my grandma stay with his brother ? That they still have to complain about..don't mention that, there's one of them is not related to us at all..getting backstab and gossiping around aint something new anymore..
Now the issue of my father possibility of having a kidney stone...no one would even bother asking, except my grandma, and his sister..his brothers ? suckers that ask my sis about him, when he's around here and can ask him himself....i dont' really like the family here, that's why going to penang once a year during chinese new year, is like seeing alot of masked faces people..
and even now for me whom always planning ahead on what to do, run around and walk always...got complained again that im not doing anything..well, pretty obvious isn't it..if i dont do anything, i wont work in subang, i wont even get a job for tomorrow..isn't it...
During my birthday, they can even dare to ask whos birthday cake is that, slicing it up without telling me what they're doing with it..not saying anything or ask about my birthday night or anything at all about it...i've been wondering they care more about my health, my future, my pride...or, my wealth...
Hell, i hate this whole family tree...
Not picking up calls, not appearing on msn....so that i can escape everything that people prepare for me, so that i can escape from each and every celebration that people might come up for me...but, in the end..i have to pick up a call, whom ask me go out at nights, friends that i only can rely on.
Not knowing what will happen next, was quite happy that everyone came out just to celebrate with me, as in those that always being there for me when im down....when i needed them, works and morning classes never stop them from seeing me just before my birthday ends, and of course the most unexpectedly, a cake that she bought for me...is there..
Knowing how special this cake is, my tears nearly rush out, nothing is even more happier than seeing her name on it, saying that it's from her..first thing i did was sms her since i cant call her, totally speechless cause i'm overjoyed with it, how can i not ? since i get to eat cake like once every few year....and on that day before my birthday ends, i can really feel her around..so, even tho it's just a cake..you're already there =) The first one, and the last one who wished me..thanks for everything.
:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+
So, all those without replies or smses is cause you wanted to be alone..sorry, i guess i should had just stayed at home, avoiding everything that might cause you to think that i left you out...i know it all, wait...is that even important ? Since i know you might be staying up just for it, since i already know you're kind of person that would stay up all the time just being ready for me...and i know it so well that you wont sleep that early even i had told you...yeah, it's true that i don't know how it feels for not being there, and the cake is there...but, for not be able to be there, cant do anything, seeing someone else celebrating with u with so much creativity, knowing that you finally happy over the cake you've been waiting for...and finally im relief that someone did come up with something, that i always wish for...but, nowing that you're so happy with it, im not sad about it anymore....not sad about not being able to do anything..
But, even tho i knew all that, still...it's abit sad that you're always being able to do anything that i wanted to do, which make me even more down..i don't know how to react on it sometimes, should i enjoy it ? should i just say thanks ? I wanted to turn down everyone request, and just bring home the cake..but in the end, i can only sms with you, telling you how much i love it, trying to make myself sound excited when i am excited with it, my tears nearly rushed out when you called at that time too...what can i say ? there no words that would or can express how happy i am that night...
And this morning you complaining about others celebrating with me ? Yeah, i know you dont like it...it's already my fault, i didn't know you would mind that i write about my friends on msn, since you already know how much i appreciate what you did...it's true that i never ask you to join, cause it's already 5 people here and i wouldn't know how to be with 2 situation...even tho i asked you too online, and you wouldn't, further more...i already did what i can, what do you expect me to do ? there's even a friend who skip work just because he overtired yesterday....
i really don't know what to say anymore, i know it's hard if you ask someone to do favors , especially those who you don't really know..that's why i wouldn't want you to get into trouble just because of me..cause, knowing that if they can get a cake, and knowing that i'll eat it without you around...is no different, which i think it's better to stay at home just to spend my quiet and happy day with you...but in the end, there's still things you can find and complain off...i really don't know what to do anymore..
Oh wait, did i mention that i went out, cause i probably know that he still will do the things you asked him ? hmm...it's getting messy here...maybe i should stop writing this with this feelings...
It was the greatest night yesterday just because of the cake.. as always, happiness dissappear so fast like you said..
Not knowing what will happen next, was quite happy that everyone came out just to celebrate with me, as in those that always being there for me when im down....when i needed them, works and morning classes never stop them from seeing me just before my birthday ends, and of course the most unexpectedly, a cake that she bought for me...is there..
Knowing how special this cake is, my tears nearly rush out, nothing is even more happier than seeing her name on it, saying that it's from her..first thing i did was sms her since i cant call her, totally speechless cause i'm overjoyed with it, how can i not ? since i get to eat cake like once every few year....and on that day before my birthday ends, i can really feel her around..so, even tho it's just a cake..you're already there =) The first one, and the last one who wished me..thanks for everything.
:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+
So, all those without replies or smses is cause you wanted to be alone..sorry, i guess i should had just stayed at home, avoiding everything that might cause you to think that i left you out...i know it all, wait...is that even important ? Since i know you might be staying up just for it, since i already know you're kind of person that would stay up all the time just being ready for me...and i know it so well that you wont sleep that early even i had told you...yeah, it's true that i don't know how it feels for not being there, and the cake is there...but, for not be able to be there, cant do anything, seeing someone else celebrating with u with so much creativity, knowing that you finally happy over the cake you've been waiting for...and finally im relief that someone did come up with something, that i always wish for...but, nowing that you're so happy with it, im not sad about it anymore....not sad about not being able to do anything..
But, even tho i knew all that, still...it's abit sad that you're always being able to do anything that i wanted to do, which make me even more down..i don't know how to react on it sometimes, should i enjoy it ? should i just say thanks ? I wanted to turn down everyone request, and just bring home the cake..but in the end, i can only sms with you, telling you how much i love it, trying to make myself sound excited when i am excited with it, my tears nearly rushed out when you called at that time too...what can i say ? there no words that would or can express how happy i am that night...
And this morning you complaining about others celebrating with me ? Yeah, i know you dont like it...it's already my fault, i didn't know you would mind that i write about my friends on msn, since you already know how much i appreciate what you did...it's true that i never ask you to join, cause it's already 5 people here and i wouldn't know how to be with 2 situation...even tho i asked you too online, and you wouldn't, further more...i already did what i can, what do you expect me to do ? there's even a friend who skip work just because he overtired yesterday....
i really don't know what to say anymore, i know it's hard if you ask someone to do favors , especially those who you don't really know..that's why i wouldn't want you to get into trouble just because of me..cause, knowing that if they can get a cake, and knowing that i'll eat it without you around...is no different, which i think it's better to stay at home just to spend my quiet and happy day with you...but in the end, there's still things you can find and complain off...i really don't know what to do anymore..
Oh wait, did i mention that i went out, cause i probably know that he still will do the things you asked him ? hmm...it's getting messy here...maybe i should stop writing this with this feelings...
It was the greatest night yesterday just because of the cake.. as always, happiness dissappear so fast like you said..
Saturday, July 15, 2006
I wonder how many personality can one has ? Like someone i know..he's actually quite a sweet guy...that i know..but infront of other, he cuss, straightforward, and abit the irritating sometimes...but hey, people still revovle around him..lol..so, unconciously, he's a sweet guy..just that no one ever thought of that =)
Still got alot of friends, that you cant really see their personality from their first look and conversation..cause most of them..are really hidden...but hey, the reason why you still hang out with them even tho you complain, is the best proof that they're good people =)
It's been awhile since i felt this way...happy, sad..but satisfied..to know someone care about me that much, and to let someone know that i care about her that much..is a feeling that no one can comprehend...well, some people say money, fame...and power is more important that love, for a guy..don't know why..i don't see all those things more important than the girl i love...i am living now, with all my heart, unlike last time whom always keep everything to myself, giving false expression...but hey, as long as people understands me, and i dont lie about my own feelings..everything is cool =)
Yet, another directon-less entry...
Still got alot of friends, that you cant really see their personality from their first look and conversation..cause most of them..are really hidden...but hey, the reason why you still hang out with them even tho you complain, is the best proof that they're good people =)
It's been awhile since i felt this way...happy, sad..but satisfied..to know someone care about me that much, and to let someone know that i care about her that much..is a feeling that no one can comprehend...well, some people say money, fame...and power is more important that love, for a guy..don't know why..i don't see all those things more important than the girl i love...i am living now, with all my heart, unlike last time whom always keep everything to myself, giving false expression...but hey, as long as people understands me, and i dont lie about my own feelings..everything is cool =)
Yet, another directon-less entry...
Friday, July 07, 2006
Even tho i'd said i'll be fine since the very first day, even tho i had said i don't mind..but till now, i have to admit that, things is getting harder and harder...getting hurter and hurter...wait..i mean, it's getting sadder...and much more sadder, and once in awhile, i'll go blank when i tried to pretend...pretending that i'm okay..
I had always ask, why cant you made things easier for both of us, why cant you just settle things as fast as possible, why not, you just make sure that time that we can spend together, not wasted on time that you don't want to waste on. You had always tells me that how dislike you are to spend time on something else..and yet..you're still doing it, i know..you might have no choice..but, do you really have no choice ?
After thinkin of all these stuff, and i came back to myself again..maybe i just deserve all these, maybe you just wanna be secure...and maybe, that's why i can't really decide what you should do now, since..everything happened is all my fault..well, since it's that way, maybe..i should just cheer myself up now, for saying everything is all my fault..
I never know, for having sms not replied, or waiting for phonecalls nor sms..is that painful...every minute, seems forever..for knowing you're with someone else, that i cant be around...and..for not knowing what's really going on..worse of all, for knowing that things i didn't mean to sound like or said, has hurt you...my life, getting suckier...i wonder, if i can sell my soul to the devil...
I had always ask, why cant you made things easier for both of us, why cant you just settle things as fast as possible, why not, you just make sure that time that we can spend together, not wasted on time that you don't want to waste on. You had always tells me that how dislike you are to spend time on something else..and yet..you're still doing it, i know..you might have no choice..but, do you really have no choice ?
After thinkin of all these stuff, and i came back to myself again..maybe i just deserve all these, maybe you just wanna be secure...and maybe, that's why i can't really decide what you should do now, since..everything happened is all my fault..well, since it's that way, maybe..i should just cheer myself up now, for saying everything is all my fault..
I never know, for having sms not replied, or waiting for phonecalls nor sms..is that painful...every minute, seems forever..for knowing you're with someone else, that i cant be around...and..for not knowing what's really going on..worse of all, for knowing that things i didn't mean to sound like or said, has hurt you...my life, getting suckier...i wonder, if i can sell my soul to the devil...
Been through alot of feelings in this past few days, found out that lunch hour can be so sad, due to one small matter. Well, you can say it's quite a big case, yet..doesn't matter..what am i saying..
After years thinking stuff about you, spending time with you, became your angel, and devil and the same time. I was wondering, was i even deserve a second chance ? not to mention, that can i ask for anything else ? Well, all i want is to have you by my side....the past, is pain..haunting everyone...for i, who are the ghost created those days, i think...it's the hardest part, when i'll have to be the one to cure all those things..
And all i want...is to be with you...
After years thinking stuff about you, spending time with you, became your angel, and devil and the same time. I was wondering, was i even deserve a second chance ? not to mention, that can i ask for anything else ? Well, all i want is to have you by my side....the past, is pain..haunting everyone...for i, who are the ghost created those days, i think...it's the hardest part, when i'll have to be the one to cure all those things..
And all i want...is to be with you...
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
after a long wait..finally it's your lunch hour ^^ Going out an hour early just to not let you wait..heh, reach Wisma genting at 1210pm, well, it's still early, and so i walk around to kill some time, tho the destination is only 7-11 and wisma genting = =
Well, after walking back and forth at that 2 places till 1230, finally i decided to stand near the elevator instead of looking like an idiot wandering around there..lol..
And so, you came down..too bad you didn't see me once you reach, but it's all okay since i see your smile after calling out for you =) And so, we had our lunch, and enjoyed our precious 1 hour lunch time of yours =P
Went to Maju Junction to take iC after that, only waited for half an hour tho for the queue, and came back around 3 something. Looking at clock, and knowing i cant see u for dinner, and so i decided to sleep, and hope that i wouldn't be thinking too much on why i cant find you.
After hours of sleeping and waiting, finally, it's 6 something. Had my dinner, chat with u awhile, and playing Dota to get my time pass. Wanted to go take ma shower, but kept thinking and worried that i might miss you call when im having my shower. Well, you should be home at 9 or 10 something tho, since you say you'll get home asap, and dinner is all i can think of that you'll be having.
Waited and waited...the clock seems like taking forever to tick...and worse of all..it's already 10 something, enduring the pain of not getting any replies and worried for nothing, finally a call frm you, that saying you're home. Even tho it's abit late, well..i guess it's fine, since i'm gonna see you =)
Sadly, things didn't work out as what i wanted...was wondering what you're doing whole nite, and you tells me dont mention about it. Ok, you might have some reasons...so i'll just let it be, i thought that you might be jumping of joy after seeing me, but who knows, i pissed you of without knowing it's actually my fault, that i don't really know. I cant believe this, i was only hoping to know what you did, and was hoping that you would be happy after i waited so long and look for you. But, nothing seems working right...sadz..and i cant even call and talk to you about it after i reach home...haihz..
Well, after walking back and forth at that 2 places till 1230, finally i decided to stand near the elevator instead of looking like an idiot wandering around there..lol..
And so, you came down..too bad you didn't see me once you reach, but it's all okay since i see your smile after calling out for you =) And so, we had our lunch, and enjoyed our precious 1 hour lunch time of yours =P
Went to Maju Junction to take iC after that, only waited for half an hour tho for the queue, and came back around 3 something. Looking at clock, and knowing i cant see u for dinner, and so i decided to sleep, and hope that i wouldn't be thinking too much on why i cant find you.
After hours of sleeping and waiting, finally, it's 6 something. Had my dinner, chat with u awhile, and playing Dota to get my time pass. Wanted to go take ma shower, but kept thinking and worried that i might miss you call when im having my shower. Well, you should be home at 9 or 10 something tho, since you say you'll get home asap, and dinner is all i can think of that you'll be having.
Waited and waited...the clock seems like taking forever to tick...and worse of all..it's already 10 something, enduring the pain of not getting any replies and worried for nothing, finally a call frm you, that saying you're home. Even tho it's abit late, well..i guess it's fine, since i'm gonna see you =)
Sadly, things didn't work out as what i wanted...was wondering what you're doing whole nite, and you tells me dont mention about it. Ok, you might have some reasons...so i'll just let it be, i thought that you might be jumping of joy after seeing me, but who knows, i pissed you of without knowing it's actually my fault, that i don't really know. I cant believe this, i was only hoping to know what you did, and was hoping that you would be happy after i waited so long and look for you. But, nothing seems working right...sadz..and i cant even call and talk to you about it after i reach home...haihz..
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Here i am..fixing your noteBook..when keep thinking that you're out..with someone else. I guess people are right, love...is not all about happiness, and sadness..sometimes, there's some other feelings that people cant explain, or maybe..i just don't know how to explain. Let's just say that, no one wants..to see their love one with someone else...
Through out the nite for this 2 hours...i've been thinking about you...all long, till i don't even hurt myself..stupid keyboard steels, made a cut on ma finger...but it's not pain at all...loving you, and missing you...magically ease the pain, there's blood, and scar..but, nothing is as strong as your existence...
I only care, what kind of life you're in, what kind of sadness or happiness that would go on with u..and so, i just wouldn't wanna see u sad, even if it's just a moment, in a blink of a moment..
Miss you...that's all im feeling now..
Through out the nite for this 2 hours...i've been thinking about you...all long, till i don't even hurt myself..stupid keyboard steels, made a cut on ma finger...but it's not pain at all...loving you, and missing you...magically ease the pain, there's blood, and scar..but, nothing is as strong as your existence...
I only care, what kind of life you're in, what kind of sadness or happiness that would go on with u..and so, i just wouldn't wanna see u sad, even if it's just a moment, in a blink of a moment..
Miss you...that's all im feeling now..
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Sometimes, i really hope that im not as sensitive as i can be now. Hearing things that i wouldn't wanna know, seeing things that shouldn't be seeing, and knowing something..that i shouldn't know...it hurts when people are just guessing it..but it's far more worse after knowing it..
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
With all the choco on my table..i couldn't resist it...eeach and everyday, i must at least eat something from ma collection..nyak nyak..thanks girl for giving me all these choco's xD Eating this much of choco is definitely better than doing a girl.... =P
I've been wondering since when i started to like choco..hmm..let's see..
Trying to remember the first choco i eat :::::: Failed
Trying to remember the reason i started eat choco :::::: Failed
Trying to remember the type of choco that i like :::::: Failed
...
...
System error, (A)bort ? (R)etry ? (I)gnore ?
at this point..h3ll like i care = = i luv choco now..that's pretty much the most important here xD
Im writing rubbish here..anyway, choco is the only food tat makes me happy, cheerful all the while...well, i can say it's ma best friend last time >.<>
A writing with no sense, and no exact plot or point..i think, i'm gonna stick with that =)
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
With all the choco on my table..i couldn't resist it...eeach and everyday, i must at least eat something from ma collection..nyak nyak..thanks girl for giving me all these choco's xD Eating this much of choco is definitely better than doing a girl.... =P
I've been wondering since when i started to like choco..hmm..let's see..
Trying to remember the first choco i eat :::::: Failed
Trying to remember the reason i started eat choco :::::: Failed
Trying to remember the type of choco that i like :::::: Failed
...
...
System error, (A)bort ? (R)etry ? (I)gnore ?
at this point..h3ll like i care = = i luv choco now..that's pretty much the most important here xD
Im writing rubbish here..anyway, choco is the only food tat makes me happy, cheerful all the while...well, i can say it's ma best friend last time >.<>
A writing with no sense, and no exact plot or point..i think, i'm gonna stick with that =)
Sunday, June 25, 2006
It doesn't matter to me..it never was..all i want is, being able to see you happy, that's what it all matters to me.
Everyone got their own life, and things to do..maybe missing you and giving up most of the thing just for you, is what i wanted. But doesn't mean that you have to miss me all the while, give up most of the things just for our own happiness.
I always said, i would never leave; means, i would never dissappear from you, unless...u dissappear from me.
When i said i don't have enuff of you; means that, i missed you like h3ll on that day, the time we spent not even enuff to satisfy me, and i doubt i'll be satisfy...i just wanna be with you forever, and ever..
If i say i'll do thing at ur pace; means that, i dun care what kind of things you had in mind, maybe it might hurt me, gives me troubles...as long as you're fine with it, i would just push ma sadness away, and just support you with ur own decision...
And seeing you sad is definitely not what i ever wished for...i have no idea, how long i can hold on to all this, how long, i can see you facing the same thing over and over again...i wouldn't mind if people hate me, but till the day comes, i might just end the things now, that made you so sad, and stressed. Nothing, is sadder than seeing your saddy face...
Everyone got their own life, and things to do..maybe missing you and giving up most of the thing just for you, is what i wanted. But doesn't mean that you have to miss me all the while, give up most of the things just for our own happiness.
I always said, i would never leave; means, i would never dissappear from you, unless...u dissappear from me.
When i said i don't have enuff of you; means that, i missed you like h3ll on that day, the time we spent not even enuff to satisfy me, and i doubt i'll be satisfy...i just wanna be with you forever, and ever..
If i say i'll do thing at ur pace; means that, i dun care what kind of things you had in mind, maybe it might hurt me, gives me troubles...as long as you're fine with it, i would just push ma sadness away, and just support you with ur own decision...
And seeing you sad is definitely not what i ever wished for...i have no idea, how long i can hold on to all this, how long, i can see you facing the same thing over and over again...i wouldn't mind if people hate me, but till the day comes, i might just end the things now, that made you so sad, and stressed. Nothing, is sadder than seeing your saddy face...
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Monday, June 19, 2006
9th June, 2006 - Finally im working, without realizing it, im doing some accounting job instead of the data entry that i heard off. Guess that i'm really unlucky with accountancy, and always need to face it when i'm expecting some computer working stuff.
It's not that bad tho, first day of working 12 hour straight, with only a lunch in the office, skipping dinner, but thank god there's left over dinner at home. Work quite sucks, was actually hoping that HP woud call me earlier, so that i could get the h3ll out of this shit. Well, i guess i'm just gonna try my best for this few days, so that i could get enuff money, to treat her a nice meal, buy her stuff, bring her out when she's back.
12th June, 2006 - 2nd day of work, receive complains about my work with alot of mistakes. C'mon, im not even a finance student to start with, not to mention i have totally zero knowledge about it. And asking me to OT and finish up her shit just because of the singaporean manager coming to hav to alook of it ? Hell, i'm not a crap cleaner or whatsoever, cleaning up mess is not my job, unless you pay me high enuff for the efforts. But RM60 per day is just a crap for all these hardwork. But well, at lest the GM is the wise person, and one of my collegue, other than that, not to mention the 2 girls that just work for 2 days, left alot of headache for us in the excel file during the end of the day. Sigh, even a dumbo person know's that, u got 10 Apple, u sell 3, nd u left back 7 apples. Obviously you minus it, not add it. Where the h3ll they get the idea of adding it up when they already selling it off ? Commonsense please, at least. Worked OT again today. Good, i'm looking forward getting my 'high' pay. And why the h3ll does reading a fiction for 30 minute effects my work ? since i got nothing to do, account manager ask me to wait her finish meeting till she can give me another work, are they asking me to waste my time staring at computer, and pretend that im working ? h3ll no !
13th June, 2006 - Moved from conference room to accounting room. Well, a small room that can only fit 3 ppl, and since there's only 2 accountant and 2 computer inside, i guess it's quite spacious for us 2. Work is pilling up, i really wonder how they can ignore those stupid Sales order for more than a week. Geez, that's why i hate people doing things last minute. Stupid account manager that got blardy hell loud voice, and she's actually the first person i'd meet to have such a ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE explaination. A simple definition that we can understand, she can confuse you till bringing you to the other world. Another dumbo person, thank god Gm always pop up from no were and save the day. He's the person that i respect the most,wise, smart, direct and firm.
14th, June - Skipped my work today. Don't ask me why, it's a rather sad situation. Sigh.
16th, June - Finally i gave her the answer, for working permanently there...as an accountant cum computer admin. Well, the comp admin just make myself happier with my job. Since we're also handling IT department for the moment. Seriously, i'm quite sad about the HP case, i wonder if it's cause of my poor assesment. Yeah, i must admit that my grammar sucks, it took me awhile to confirm some of the answer. Sigh, as usual, i cant work the place i wanted to work. And it's the 3rd time i failed in interview, hate it.
17th, June - First time working on a saturday in that office. Zzzz, i guess i'll skip the busy part in office. Cause it'll be the same till i mention something else next time. stupid Office with so much work, and so little staffs.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
It's been awhile i've see her in a moody mood, depress and somehow, what's the word again...Nevermind.
Days after days, i've been trying to cheer her up, making you feel more comfortable by saying something that i might think farny. But i guess it doesn't help much. cause in the end, you're still moody. Sigh, being helpless is not a good feeling.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Woke up in weird timing, headache...sorethroat, and a bit of aching here and there. Sigh, i even miss my dinner that made me so hungry now..
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
I read her blog, and yeah. It's not like im pretending to be a mindreader or such.Just that, i never wanna mention, or should i say, i cant mention something that i know, or maybe, both of us actually knew about it....and it's definitely a No No when you're in this kind of mood. But since you mention it, and i guess you should realize how important it is to you, to me....Even me always thought of what might happen when you're around, can i see you everyday like we talk about ? Can we talk to each other, and see each other without any problems or obstacle ? Should we lie to others about how we actually feel ? Sometimes i really doubt it. But i'd promise that we'll go in your pace, and that i shall follow..no matter how much pain i must suffer, no matter what kind of critics i would get, and even if the whole world gave up on me, as long as you're still with me, that's more than a reason for me to keep on living.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Trying to calm down, and think of a way when im driving home just now. But how should i say, i'd always think of the worse, and of course, the best. Having to stay up till 5am just to finish up the sheet, i would never wanna stay up again for today. But too bad, it's the worse when im home. My comp cant even on, the comp that im using now sucks, excel get error message once in awhile, well..i guess it's better than cant do anything at all.
Depression, is filling up me...as the day pass by, the feeling get worse, but at the same time, im happy about the days that's coming. Weird huh...i cant even tell what kind of feelings im havin anymore, not to mention i cant even think of any new words to express my feelings.
Having a car with empty petrol, wallet with left back RM2..yeah, i lied to her that i had money for petrol tomorrow, i guess i'll ask mum for help about that. And a comp that died on me for the first time i need to use excel on comp, to finish up my work, a phone that low batt that i need to most for ppl to contact me in the office, and during home. A dinner that i hope so much, since my lunch was quite bad. And, a ear that i wished for..Nothing seems to be working out right for me now. I guess, it's just not my day. Should i post this up today ?
It's not that bad tho, first day of working 12 hour straight, with only a lunch in the office, skipping dinner, but thank god there's left over dinner at home. Work quite sucks, was actually hoping that HP woud call me earlier, so that i could get the h3ll out of this shit. Well, i guess i'm just gonna try my best for this few days, so that i could get enuff money, to treat her a nice meal, buy her stuff, bring her out when she's back.
12th June, 2006 - 2nd day of work, receive complains about my work with alot of mistakes. C'mon, im not even a finance student to start with, not to mention i have totally zero knowledge about it. And asking me to OT and finish up her shit just because of the singaporean manager coming to hav to alook of it ? Hell, i'm not a crap cleaner or whatsoever, cleaning up mess is not my job, unless you pay me high enuff for the efforts. But RM60 per day is just a crap for all these hardwork. But well, at lest the GM is the wise person, and one of my collegue, other than that, not to mention the 2 girls that just work for 2 days, left alot of headache for us in the excel file during the end of the day. Sigh, even a dumbo person know's that, u got 10 Apple, u sell 3, nd u left back 7 apples. Obviously you minus it, not add it. Where the h3ll they get the idea of adding it up when they already selling it off ? Commonsense please, at least. Worked OT again today. Good, i'm looking forward getting my 'high' pay. And why the h3ll does reading a fiction for 30 minute effects my work ? since i got nothing to do, account manager ask me to wait her finish meeting till she can give me another work, are they asking me to waste my time staring at computer, and pretend that im working ? h3ll no !
13th June, 2006 - Moved from conference room to accounting room. Well, a small room that can only fit 3 ppl, and since there's only 2 accountant and 2 computer inside, i guess it's quite spacious for us 2. Work is pilling up, i really wonder how they can ignore those stupid Sales order for more than a week. Geez, that's why i hate people doing things last minute. Stupid account manager that got blardy hell loud voice, and she's actually the first person i'd meet to have such a ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE explaination. A simple definition that we can understand, she can confuse you till bringing you to the other world. Another dumbo person, thank god Gm always pop up from no were and save the day. He's the person that i respect the most,wise, smart, direct and firm.
14th, June - Skipped my work today. Don't ask me why, it's a rather sad situation. Sigh.
16th, June - Finally i gave her the answer, for working permanently there...as an accountant cum computer admin. Well, the comp admin just make myself happier with my job. Since we're also handling IT department for the moment. Seriously, i'm quite sad about the HP case, i wonder if it's cause of my poor assesment. Yeah, i must admit that my grammar sucks, it took me awhile to confirm some of the answer. Sigh, as usual, i cant work the place i wanted to work. And it's the 3rd time i failed in interview, hate it.
17th, June - First time working on a saturday in that office. Zzzz, i guess i'll skip the busy part in office. Cause it'll be the same till i mention something else next time. stupid Office with so much work, and so little staffs.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
It's been awhile i've see her in a moody mood, depress and somehow, what's the word again...Nevermind.
Days after days, i've been trying to cheer her up, making you feel more comfortable by saying something that i might think farny. But i guess it doesn't help much. cause in the end, you're still moody. Sigh, being helpless is not a good feeling.
=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+
Woke up in weird timing, headache...sorethroat, and a bit of aching here and there. Sigh, i even miss my dinner that made me so hungry now..
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
I read her blog, and yeah. It's not like im pretending to be a mindreader or such.Just that, i never wanna mention, or should i say, i cant mention something that i know, or maybe, both of us actually knew about it....and it's definitely a No No when you're in this kind of mood. But since you mention it, and i guess you should realize how important it is to you, to me....Even me always thought of what might happen when you're around, can i see you everyday like we talk about ? Can we talk to each other, and see each other without any problems or obstacle ? Should we lie to others about how we actually feel ? Sometimes i really doubt it. But i'd promise that we'll go in your pace, and that i shall follow..no matter how much pain i must suffer, no matter what kind of critics i would get, and even if the whole world gave up on me, as long as you're still with me, that's more than a reason for me to keep on living.
+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=
Trying to calm down, and think of a way when im driving home just now. But how should i say, i'd always think of the worse, and of course, the best. Having to stay up till 5am just to finish up the sheet, i would never wanna stay up again for today. But too bad, it's the worse when im home. My comp cant even on, the comp that im using now sucks, excel get error message once in awhile, well..i guess it's better than cant do anything at all.
Depression, is filling up me...as the day pass by, the feeling get worse, but at the same time, im happy about the days that's coming. Weird huh...i cant even tell what kind of feelings im havin anymore, not to mention i cant even think of any new words to express my feelings.
Having a car with empty petrol, wallet with left back RM2..yeah, i lied to her that i had money for petrol tomorrow, i guess i'll ask mum for help about that. And a comp that died on me for the first time i need to use excel on comp, to finish up my work, a phone that low batt that i need to most for ppl to contact me in the office, and during home. A dinner that i hope so much, since my lunch was quite bad. And, a ear that i wished for..Nothing seems to be working out right for me now. I guess, it's just not my day. Should i post this up today ?
Sunday, May 14, 2006
It's 1234 am, and my tears had started to rush out from the valley again. Reading over and over again of our conversation, seeing you covering yourself through the only window i can see you. More over, it's the only time that i get to see you in a day. The few minute that i treasure much, turn out to be the saddest moment that i created myself.
I just realize, if can't tell why i dislike someone out of suddenly, maybe it's just my own feelings that i'm trying to forget, or maybe i just don't want to remember the reasons.
I just realize, that no matter in what situation is, the moment i'm angry, or frustrated at something, it's always something that people can get back angry at me, and frustrated. SO in the end, i've been never get to have those feelings. Or just that, things that i'm frustrated doesn't exist from the beginning..if people wants me to accept the annoying attitude of others, why i was never being accepted for me being frustrated of something ?
I just realize, guys talk better with girls when they don't have someone they love.
I just realize, your best talking mate, would be your friend's friend.
I just realize, how sad it is for living in a world where you've been neglected.
I just realize, the pain for not being able to do anything at all which triggered the tears.
I just realize, how important someone is to you, when they're really important to you.
I just realize, why people would give in and out sometimes, and how it feels when people never give in to you.
I just realize, the feelings when the packages not arriving.
I just realize, how important a line of reply is, cause you never know people are actually waiting for it, even tho it's just a smiley.
I just realize, depression is actually not a feelings that comes and go after people cheer you up, but it's a scar, that you cant get rid of no matter how hard you tries.
I just realize, even if you're frustrated, you should never think of only yourself.
I just realize, you should never expect people for what they can do for you, on the other hands, you should think of what you can do for someone else.
I just realize the saddness of writing a depression blog entry.
I just realize, if can't tell why i dislike someone out of suddenly, maybe it's just my own feelings that i'm trying to forget, or maybe i just don't want to remember the reasons.
I just realize, that no matter in what situation is, the moment i'm angry, or frustrated at something, it's always something that people can get back angry at me, and frustrated. SO in the end, i've been never get to have those feelings. Or just that, things that i'm frustrated doesn't exist from the beginning..if people wants me to accept the annoying attitude of others, why i was never being accepted for me being frustrated of something ?
I just realize, guys talk better with girls when they don't have someone they love.
I just realize, your best talking mate, would be your friend's friend.
I just realize, how sad it is for living in a world where you've been neglected.
I just realize, the pain for not being able to do anything at all which triggered the tears.
I just realize, how important someone is to you, when they're really important to you.
I just realize, why people would give in and out sometimes, and how it feels when people never give in to you.
I just realize, the feelings when the packages not arriving.
I just realize, how important a line of reply is, cause you never know people are actually waiting for it, even tho it's just a smiley.
I just realize, depression is actually not a feelings that comes and go after people cheer you up, but it's a scar, that you cant get rid of no matter how hard you tries.
I just realize, even if you're frustrated, you should never think of only yourself.
I just realize, you should never expect people for what they can do for you, on the other hands, you should think of what you can do for someone else.
I just realize the saddness of writing a depression blog entry.
Friday, April 21, 2006
I've been wondering why do people actually wanna blog. Is it to share with others on what they experience ? Cause they got no one to talk to ? or they just wanna show off and proud of what they write. Personally, i myself don't even know why i blog. Maybe because i cant tell anyone about it. Or most probly, i'm just afraid of telling.
One after another, things keep happening and went out of my control. If curses are really that strong, i would hate to admit i've been cursed, as no matter how hard to try to take something under control, but in the end...it'll be out of control.
One after another, things keep happening and went out of my control. If curses are really that strong, i would hate to admit i've been cursed, as no matter how hard to try to take something under control, but in the end...it'll be out of control.
Friday, April 07, 2006
It's already 4am here. No matter how i think, i still can't let you go. Can't accept the fact that you're just a friend of mine, whom nothing more, or less than friends. There's alot of thing that couldn't be done, especially arguements. Each cases that spark between us, can only dimmed back by itself. There's no one i can tell to, no reason i have to complain about it, since i'm forcing things to happen now.
Wanted to stay like this forever..but the truth, is still the truth...no matter how someone's keep the truth away from others, it's just a matter of time when it's revealed. For me whois afraid of losing you. Cant imagine the possibilites that i might lose you, when the time comes. Ignoring it, is the only option i have now, to move on like this.
For you whom always being so kind, so kind to me...sometimes, i can't help it but think that i'm taking advantages from your kindness...and i wonder, if it's what you really want, or you're just simply can't make any decisions. I can't doubt more, as i believe in you, repect your decision, and all i can do now, is stay by yourside. As much as i could before time runs out.
Words no longer be able to tell how much i love you, but i hope that, you'll get the best of all...it might be not me, but..it's still the best, and i have no regret if the worse comes. But, what if it's the best ? I could not imagine. As things never goes as i always expected.
Wanted to stay like this forever..but the truth, is still the truth...no matter how someone's keep the truth away from others, it's just a matter of time when it's revealed. For me whois afraid of losing you. Cant imagine the possibilites that i might lose you, when the time comes. Ignoring it, is the only option i have now, to move on like this.
For you whom always being so kind, so kind to me...sometimes, i can't help it but think that i'm taking advantages from your kindness...and i wonder, if it's what you really want, or you're just simply can't make any decisions. I can't doubt more, as i believe in you, repect your decision, and all i can do now, is stay by yourside. As much as i could before time runs out.
Words no longer be able to tell how much i love you, but i hope that, you'll get the best of all...it might be not me, but..it's still the best, and i have no regret if the worse comes. But, what if it's the best ? I could not imagine. As things never goes as i always expected.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
In a day, i've gone through...
How it feel waiting sms/phone call in 6 hours.
or even replies.
A feeling to not being able to complete a task no matter how hard you try.
And glad being able to complete it at last.
A single line that makes my tears rushing out.
Instant Sadness.
The difficulty of keeping a suprise with lies.
How i hate traffic jam during office hour.
24 hours is never enough.
How scary it is when battery level critical.
Being kind is not easy.
or even replies.
A feeling to not being able to complete a task no matter how hard you try.
And glad being able to complete it at last.
A single line that makes my tears rushing out.
Instant Sadness.
The difficulty of keeping a suprise with lies.
How i hate traffic jam during office hour.
24 hours is never enough.
How scary it is when battery level critical.
Being kind is not easy.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
Even until now..i don't even know i should had let you see all these or not. Not knowing what you'll think, regardless of what will happen...knowing you'll get confuse, with your own hopes and wishes...i might once again, ruining other people's life.
After all these time with you...it's been like, a month and a week since you'd left ? Still unsure of what i've been doing is right or wrong. Tho i had tell myself for letting you got all the time, since you'd already someone. Maybe i'm just being sellfish...for wanting you to be mine, and only mine. But, at things right now..at this rate..and if things continue like this, i think my mentality will just break off to many pieces one day, without knowing where should i follow.
Hearing things from your voice, is really something that kept me moving on. Sometimes i wonder how true this world is, does only people believe on what they see and think ? what about peoples word ? I wouldn't think someone is lying if they tell me something unbelievable. But, sometimes it's not me who wanna doubt what's happening around..just that, i just felt this way...day after day, i'm afraid of the reality...that even tho i love you, but i cant being with you as i wished....and i wonder how long ( again ) this will continue on...and i wonder, what's gonna happen when the day that you made your decisions, and what's gonna happen when people found out that i'm actually hammering people's relationship. I cant really tell what i've been doing is right or wrong anymore.
People would say, if you follow your heart..and as long as the couples are happy about it..there's no reason to be afraid of. Easy as to be said, but hard to follow.
***************************
It's your birthday today...and yeah, i'm writing this after you're asleep...regretted through everything i did today, from the time i hang up phone, till now..and still wondering if i'm allowed to be in love with this girl..and i wonder whois the one gonna decide that..but if you'd ask me, i can only say : I wouldn't wanna lose her, anymore...
Even tho i went out for 2 hours, and i promise that i'll be here for the day. I hope you'll just give me another 22 hours that's left, the time that i cancel out all my datez...it's hard to make up something, when you'd already cast such a painful memories before...but, i just hope you'll be happier after all these, cause i couldnt hope more for you happiness..other than myself. I would wish for your wish to come true...until, the day you would smile..and telling me, that dream that you're wishing for, is actually for real...
After all these time with you...it's been like, a month and a week since you'd left ? Still unsure of what i've been doing is right or wrong. Tho i had tell myself for letting you got all the time, since you'd already someone. Maybe i'm just being sellfish...for wanting you to be mine, and only mine. But, at things right now..at this rate..and if things continue like this, i think my mentality will just break off to many pieces one day, without knowing where should i follow.
Hearing things from your voice, is really something that kept me moving on. Sometimes i wonder how true this world is, does only people believe on what they see and think ? what about peoples word ? I wouldn't think someone is lying if they tell me something unbelievable. But, sometimes it's not me who wanna doubt what's happening around..just that, i just felt this way...day after day, i'm afraid of the reality...that even tho i love you, but i cant being with you as i wished....and i wonder how long ( again ) this will continue on...and i wonder, what's gonna happen when the day that you made your decisions, and what's gonna happen when people found out that i'm actually hammering people's relationship. I cant really tell what i've been doing is right or wrong anymore.
People would say, if you follow your heart..and as long as the couples are happy about it..there's no reason to be afraid of. Easy as to be said, but hard to follow.
***************************
It's your birthday today...and yeah, i'm writing this after you're asleep...regretted through everything i did today, from the time i hang up phone, till now..and still wondering if i'm allowed to be in love with this girl..and i wonder whois the one gonna decide that..but if you'd ask me, i can only say : I wouldn't wanna lose her, anymore...
Even tho i went out for 2 hours, and i promise that i'll be here for the day. I hope you'll just give me another 22 hours that's left, the time that i cancel out all my datez...it's hard to make up something, when you'd already cast such a painful memories before...but, i just hope you'll be happier after all these, cause i couldnt hope more for you happiness..other than myself. I would wish for your wish to come true...until, the day you would smile..and telling me, that dream that you're wishing for, is actually for real...
Saturday, March 25, 2006
It's been 30 days since that day you had left. Missing your voice, deprive for not being able to hug you, craving for your scent, and your warmth hand. Even the word "Miss you" cant comprehend how much i've been thinking of you all these while.I hope those days means something to you, as it means alot for me...to show how much i really care, and how much i regreted last time. And here once again, i'm sorry..for what i did last time, i never ask for forgiveness, but i'd always hope that the following days that i spend with you, would show how much i really love you. If this 30 days are short, 60 days, if it's still short, 120 days, 240 days, 480 days..no matter how long it takes, i'll be always watching over you, till you truly find out what happiness is..and i hope i'm the one who would show you that. ^^
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
How many friends around us that actually bringing out the best from us ? People who say yes to your interest, interested with your dream, dream about what you gonna be when archieving goals, and supporting your decision all the time ?
I always wonder, in a certain stage, when only people will realize the fact that their action, actually causing alot of trouble to others ? Of course, no one knows what will change if you go back to the past and killing someone or altering something. It might create a huge chain reaction, even it's just a leaf.
Point is, as long as people wouldn't take serious on words that other had told, they wouldn't know what kind of feeling they're hurting on others. And to prevent that, friends existed. But, how many of us would actually really think that friends, are actually important ?
It's been month since then, and everything goes unexpectedly. You told me that i might be hurt, after telling me all those thing. Of course, i am...even tho i knew it all along, yes. All along. I'm wondering that if you realize, that what you told me, has a linkage of what i did, for the past few month. Not asking you whom you really love, not bugging you to do things you wouldn't want. Letting you going on your own pace, i think that already explain most of what i understand. There's reason on everything i did, or said...and the reason is you...don't get me wrong, i'm not saying all these for my own sake; but i just know that i'll be unfair to you, if you don't know anything about what my feelings are.
I'm not afraid of hopes that you give me might not come true, nor do you never give hopes to me. But, i wouldn't ask more, since staying by your side is already what i wish for. No matter what happens, i'll always watch over you.
When still got chances, i'll always let you know how much i love you. ^^ And don't worry about being afraid of telling me something that might hurt me, you can just keep it to yourself...cause i knew it all along, and until the time you're ready to tell, i'll make sure i'm there.
I always wonder, in a certain stage, when only people will realize the fact that their action, actually causing alot of trouble to others ? Of course, no one knows what will change if you go back to the past and killing someone or altering something. It might create a huge chain reaction, even it's just a leaf.
Point is, as long as people wouldn't take serious on words that other had told, they wouldn't know what kind of feeling they're hurting on others. And to prevent that, friends existed. But, how many of us would actually really think that friends, are actually important ?
It's been month since then, and everything goes unexpectedly. You told me that i might be hurt, after telling me all those thing. Of course, i am...even tho i knew it all along, yes. All along. I'm wondering that if you realize, that what you told me, has a linkage of what i did, for the past few month. Not asking you whom you really love, not bugging you to do things you wouldn't want. Letting you going on your own pace, i think that already explain most of what i understand. There's reason on everything i did, or said...and the reason is you...don't get me wrong, i'm not saying all these for my own sake; but i just know that i'll be unfair to you, if you don't know anything about what my feelings are.
I'm not afraid of hopes that you give me might not come true, nor do you never give hopes to me. But, i wouldn't ask more, since staying by your side is already what i wish for. No matter what happens, i'll always watch over you.
When still got chances, i'll always let you know how much i love you. ^^ And don't worry about being afraid of telling me something that might hurt me, you can just keep it to yourself...cause i knew it all along, and until the time you're ready to tell, i'll make sure i'm there.
Monday, March 13, 2006
It's been awhile since i touch my books, there's 3 fiction lying infront of me, that i don't even have time to read it. More likely it's because there's something more important to know, than those who people created.
Just finish the 11 days event at The Mines, tired ? No, but stress; YES ! But overall it was fun, and memorable. Tho i didn't attend their own photo section, due to the work during closing. Not sure why i'm doing so much, when i'm also one of the temp staff, maybe i'm just trying to be nice ?
Gonna meet a client that request for a programme tomorrow. Or should i say, later in the afternoon ? This is the very first time i was given such a big task (well, compare to handling the whole group of people during work). But seriously, a year ago..i'm very confident of myself, being a programmer, but now..i know nuts about programming. Might as well give myself a chance, to start over again, since i'm..already lost...and since, the path already light up. =)
Was thinking of going oversea at the end of May, hope things will goes smoothly. Australia is a very weird, or should i say an unbelievable place, even just now friends was talking about Australia during yamcha section. Weird ? not. That bless place, already become part of my life...for now..
Took me awhile to write a CV, it's already 347am here, and i still haven't start writing my resume. Even tho i wasn't inform when i need to submit it, but meeting a client, and interview at the same time, will gonna add in more things to stress on myself. Didn't know if it's good, or bad; but all i can just say is "I have to move on".
Found out how much time i wasted after writing the CV, 2 years ? or maybe 3 ? doing things that never complete. How much i wish that time can be turned back, and start over new just like games. Well, it's not games we're talking about here, it's life. Good thing is, people learn how to regret, the bad is; they're not forgiven.
"Girls are hard to pleased, and guys are not trusthworthy." A typical statement that'll come out from a typical girl, everytime when we talk about relationship, and love. It's weird, even tho everyone knows that it's fair in love and war, but it seems that none of them actually remember that, when they can't get what they want, nor doing sacrifices that they wouldn't want. It's just as same as a question to every lover in this world, "How much you willing to sacrifice for someone you love ?", and as for me...there's no actual, or exact answer. Things changes everyday anyway, shits happen, but as for the commitment i'd made, i can only say the love that i had now, will only grow, and sacrifices are for the love i committed in. Silly ? Sweet ? Dumb ? or Lovey dovy ? I would say, it's up to the person to decide, but not our own.
Time after time, people would think of what they can do for someone they like/love, such as when the time you get your salary, you would think of what to buy. The time when you pass by a clothes shop, you wonder how they'll look like on those clothes. Or maybe when you're having a meal that you kinda like it, you wanna share it with them, and wonder if they like it. Well, people wonder all the time, assuming, and guessing. Human being, aren't mind readers. They are born with ears and mouth to communicate, and a brain to determine their actions, and faith in them. A heart, that fill with emotions, and actions, which will ends the wonders, or thoughts. I've been wondering all the time also, wonder how much can a person go, for believing someone. People get dissapointed easily, but how many of them would bear with it till the end of time ? I'm suppose, even if i get the answer from someone regarding this, it won't be understandable, cause...even i myself whois bearing with alot of sadness, along with happiness. Still can't find an answer to that.
They kiss, hug, holding hands, whisper, sending gifts, celebrating anniversaries/etc, going out, sharing foods. From the outside, they're just a typical lover, where every lover would do. But, how meaningful would all those things be ? There's always a different, when you kiss someone you love on their cheek, or..a friend. All i can say is, it's still up to a persons. Someone might upset about their partners for kissing others, even it's just a greeting. But even some that understands that, they kept quite, take the pain to themself, and goes on with their life. Since, they want the best out of their partner, why want complain over something that they always do ? I always wonder, if a feeling of love will detoriate overtime when things like these happens, when..we keep the unhappiness to ourself.
No matter what happens, it's always good to handle it onsite, and solve it as soon as possible, rather than running away. Cause, if you tend to run away and thought everything will be fine, things are always happening behind...and that's why, people should always tell their close one, that they're not alone. And most importantly, be honest with our own heart and feelings. Because we never know what kind of word we said, that might hurt them forever.
Just finish the 11 days event at The Mines, tired ? No, but stress; YES ! But overall it was fun, and memorable. Tho i didn't attend their own photo section, due to the work during closing. Not sure why i'm doing so much, when i'm also one of the temp staff, maybe i'm just trying to be nice ?
Gonna meet a client that request for a programme tomorrow. Or should i say, later in the afternoon ? This is the very first time i was given such a big task (well, compare to handling the whole group of people during work). But seriously, a year ago..i'm very confident of myself, being a programmer, but now..i know nuts about programming. Might as well give myself a chance, to start over again, since i'm..already lost...and since, the path already light up. =)
Was thinking of going oversea at the end of May, hope things will goes smoothly. Australia is a very weird, or should i say an unbelievable place, even just now friends was talking about Australia during yamcha section. Weird ? not. That bless place, already become part of my life...for now..
Took me awhile to write a CV, it's already 347am here, and i still haven't start writing my resume. Even tho i wasn't inform when i need to submit it, but meeting a client, and interview at the same time, will gonna add in more things to stress on myself. Didn't know if it's good, or bad; but all i can just say is "I have to move on".
Found out how much time i wasted after writing the CV, 2 years ? or maybe 3 ? doing things that never complete. How much i wish that time can be turned back, and start over new just like games. Well, it's not games we're talking about here, it's life. Good thing is, people learn how to regret, the bad is; they're not forgiven.
"Girls are hard to pleased, and guys are not trusthworthy." A typical statement that'll come out from a typical girl, everytime when we talk about relationship, and love. It's weird, even tho everyone knows that it's fair in love and war, but it seems that none of them actually remember that, when they can't get what they want, nor doing sacrifices that they wouldn't want. It's just as same as a question to every lover in this world, "How much you willing to sacrifice for someone you love ?", and as for me...there's no actual, or exact answer. Things changes everyday anyway, shits happen, but as for the commitment i'd made, i can only say the love that i had now, will only grow, and sacrifices are for the love i committed in. Silly ? Sweet ? Dumb ? or Lovey dovy ? I would say, it's up to the person to decide, but not our own.
Time after time, people would think of what they can do for someone they like/love, such as when the time you get your salary, you would think of what to buy. The time when you pass by a clothes shop, you wonder how they'll look like on those clothes. Or maybe when you're having a meal that you kinda like it, you wanna share it with them, and wonder if they like it. Well, people wonder all the time, assuming, and guessing. Human being, aren't mind readers. They are born with ears and mouth to communicate, and a brain to determine their actions, and faith in them. A heart, that fill with emotions, and actions, which will ends the wonders, or thoughts. I've been wondering all the time also, wonder how much can a person go, for believing someone. People get dissapointed easily, but how many of them would bear with it till the end of time ? I'm suppose, even if i get the answer from someone regarding this, it won't be understandable, cause...even i myself whois bearing with alot of sadness, along with happiness. Still can't find an answer to that.
They kiss, hug, holding hands, whisper, sending gifts, celebrating anniversaries/etc, going out, sharing foods. From the outside, they're just a typical lover, where every lover would do. But, how meaningful would all those things be ? There's always a different, when you kiss someone you love on their cheek, or..a friend. All i can say is, it's still up to a persons. Someone might upset about their partners for kissing others, even it's just a greeting. But even some that understands that, they kept quite, take the pain to themself, and goes on with their life. Since, they want the best out of their partner, why want complain over something that they always do ? I always wonder, if a feeling of love will detoriate overtime when things like these happens, when..we keep the unhappiness to ourself.
No matter what happens, it's always good to handle it onsite, and solve it as soon as possible, rather than running away. Cause, if you tend to run away and thought everything will be fine, things are always happening behind...and that's why, people should always tell their close one, that they're not alone. And most importantly, be honest with our own heart and feelings. Because we never know what kind of word we said, that might hurt them forever.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
It's march, and i decided to write something different..
4th March, The Mines exhibition Centre. It’s 10:34am here, and my work is nothing except rotting and listening to mp3’s for 9 hours, cool ? NOT ! I rather have my hand full of work, that will makes my time passes even more faster. Further more, writing an offline blog during working time, is kind of sad. Don’t ask me why, I just anyhow say.
Alright..let’s see, I’ll describe what’s surrounding me, 5 thread that use for name tags, a stack of done exhibitor pass on my left, a stupid printer on ma left, phone at the keyboard slide, side drawer with rubbish, a pen on the left of this laptop, while stapler on the right. Further to the right, there’s 2 more laptops, with similarity of what I said just now. Well, it’s a registration counter anyway.
Nuff’ said, back to work.
Alright..let’s see, I’ll describe what’s surrounding me, 5 thread that use for name tags, a stack of done exhibitor pass on my left, a stupid printer on ma left, phone at the keyboard slide, side drawer with rubbish, a pen on the left of this laptop, while stapler on the right. Further to the right, there’s 2 more laptops, with similarity of what I said just now. Well, it’s a registration counter anyway.
>.>
<.<
Look at the "crowd" !
He...playing Games there. lol
Laptop i'm using during work, resembles someone's laptop =/
my bracelet...daisuKiii !!
goody bags, want ?
I’ve been ask once, that what’s the difference between a very close friend, and a normal couple. And, what I had in mind that time was : Well, you wouldn’t call someone a couple for nothing. Here’s my conclusion: You already know.Nuff’ said, back to work.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Another sleepless night..
It's already 12:52am here, and i still cant fall asleep. Well, in a way it's a good news, cause this time, i'm not staying awake because i'm depress, or sad; but with the feeling of happiness, and joy. ^^ This might be short, but i'm sure...i'll remember what i did today, just by reading this short post.
Keywords : Sleepless night, stationary, cute, mangkin, mangan, cheese baked pasta, anime, porn, dear boys, webcam, bouncey hair, pretty eyes/legs/face/nose/hand/arm/hair/lips etc etc, gmail chatbox, and the lovely <3.
Keywords : Sleepless night, stationary, cute, mangkin, mangan, cheese baked pasta, anime, porn, dear boys, webcam, bouncey hair, pretty eyes/legs/face/nose/hand/arm/hair/lips etc etc, gmail chatbox, and the lovely <3.
Monday, February 27, 2006
The sacrifices < II >
I just came across this gurl that tell me this meaningful line "If he's the guy that i like, i wont make him jealous because of what i did." This little line suprise me, that how much a person would give up just for a person that she like. It's hard, to stop making others to jealous, especially when the ratio is 1 : infinite, when there's only a person that you like, and the infinite person that you always think before you act. It's tough, but..everyone is doing it. I do wonder that how many people would actually does all that just to be with a person they like, how willing one's is to give up the whole forest, just to stay with a tree that they like. I don't know much person of that in my life, but at least, i found one or 2 who suprise me with their thoughts. Whom willing to put the one they like in the first place, while neglecting others. Of course, those who's been neglected might hate them. And that's why i said, how many true friends that you'll made in a life time ? that they'll actually understand your feelings ? and hear you voice until the end of time ? I'm not making sense here, but...who wouldn't want to be treated special by someone they like, only to themself ?
Missing, a piece of puzzle..
There's one day, something went in the small valley of my 7 and 8 button on the keyboad, and so i tried took the 7 button off to clean it. But it went *tak* ! and the button flew into the sky, and drop on the floor. That one button,that i lost in a single moment...took me almost half an hour to find, even tho it's just around me. Bleh...i can't believe during the time i lose that button, would effect so much. And so, i realize how important the 7 button on my keyboard is.
The saddest button that i'd lost, is still the ̃̃̃~ button. This little tilde buttons, took away almost 90% of my emotions in my online life, yes. Cause, most of my emotiocons started with this tilde buttons, which located just next to your 1, and above the TAB button. Suprisingly, this little button synchronize with my mood at the same time..the time, where i lost my own happiness. I still remember the first time i use this symbol, is during mirc, which i use ~_~ as to express...er...actually, it has no meaning at all...but little by little, it follows up at the end of my chat, just to show that i'm trying to drag what i'm trying to say, after losing this button. I'll list down the thing that i found out i cant do without it:
I'd lost almost everything, people would say if you lost something, you'll gain something equally price, and i'm sure those who watch Full Metal Alchemist might understand this term easily. Well, if i counted the thing i'd lost, it's much more painful to think what i'd gained. Even though i regreted it, but by regreting will never be enough.
Things that i'd lost, was replace by someone else. Even tho i was told that i'm important, but somehow...i was sharing this very same line with someone else, maybe i'm just thinking too much. But as everyone knows, what's happening around us, actions..will often take over our own thoughts. So in the end, faith..isn't the only thing important in our life, to keep our love one to ourself.
I can't tell how much it hurts, by hearing others saying rumours about me being with other gurls. But, i can tell how much it hurts, when i see her with another guy, doing things that what lover does. I can tell, how helpless i am, when i see her doing things with him, that i wanna do with you. I can tell, how much i hated it, when she tell me you got mad at him, but still forgive him all the time. I can tell how much it hurts, for losing something, and being replaced by something else...and of course i can tell..how painful it is, when one's hanging in the middle of the rope, that you cant climb, or fall, but only waiting for people to pull you up, or cut the rope. And that's how cruel faith it is, when you leave your happiness to others. It's a nostalgic, yet saddening experience..that no one wished for.
Yeah, i understand very well..the fault i'm at last time, i know...what i'd done..but i could never understand your feelings when i do the wrong thing during that time. But for me, whom already has given up my own happiness. I guess, for someone like me who regretted, at guilt...are much more suited in these kind of life, lost..and hanging...it's sad, to know what you really wants to do, think...i cant tell when my tears will stop, and heart stop aching whenever i think about it. But, i still can tell, how much it meant, just to be by your side. Tho it might be ridiculous stupid to suffer all these pain, but i still can't give up to look at the smile of yours, which keep me moving on, until today.
The saddest button that i'd lost, is still the ̃̃̃~ button. This little tilde buttons, took away almost 90% of my emotions in my online life, yes. Cause, most of my emotiocons started with this tilde buttons, which located just next to your 1, and above the TAB button. Suprisingly, this little button synchronize with my mood at the same time..the time, where i lost my own happiness. I still remember the first time i use this symbol, is during mirc, which i use ~_~ as to express...er...actually, it has no meaning at all...but little by little, it follows up at the end of my chat, just to show that i'm trying to drag what i'm trying to say, after losing this button. I'll list down the thing that i found out i cant do without it:
- Hi there~
- haha~
- no~~~~
- sobz~
- yay~
- whee~~
- *~"nickname"~*
- ~_~
- heh~
- oh~
- ~>.<~
- dengz~
- omG !~
- lol~
- ~ is commonly used in games, especially Warcraft
- ~ commonly used in the beginning of my emoticons too (e.g: ~lol = emoticons)
- cant think anymore, as it'll depress me even more..
I'd lost almost everything, people would say if you lost something, you'll gain something equally price, and i'm sure those who watch Full Metal Alchemist might understand this term easily. Well, if i counted the thing i'd lost, it's much more painful to think what i'd gained. Even though i regreted it, but by regreting will never be enough.
Things that i'd lost, was replace by someone else. Even tho i was told that i'm important, but somehow...i was sharing this very same line with someone else, maybe i'm just thinking too much. But as everyone knows, what's happening around us, actions..will often take over our own thoughts. So in the end, faith..isn't the only thing important in our life, to keep our love one to ourself.
I can't tell how much it hurts, by hearing others saying rumours about me being with other gurls. But, i can tell how much it hurts, when i see her with another guy, doing things that what lover does. I can tell, how helpless i am, when i see her doing things with him, that i wanna do with you. I can tell, how much i hated it, when she tell me you got mad at him, but still forgive him all the time. I can tell how much it hurts, for losing something, and being replaced by something else...and of course i can tell..how painful it is, when one's hanging in the middle of the rope, that you cant climb, or fall, but only waiting for people to pull you up, or cut the rope. And that's how cruel faith it is, when you leave your happiness to others. It's a nostalgic, yet saddening experience..that no one wished for.
Yeah, i understand very well..the fault i'm at last time, i know...what i'd done..but i could never understand your feelings when i do the wrong thing during that time. But for me, whom already has given up my own happiness. I guess, for someone like me who regretted, at guilt...are much more suited in these kind of life, lost..and hanging...it's sad, to know what you really wants to do, think...i cant tell when my tears will stop, and heart stop aching whenever i think about it. But, i still can tell, how much it meant, just to be by your side. Tho it might be ridiculous stupid to suffer all these pain, but i still can't give up to look at the smile of yours, which keep me moving on, until today.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
What's important ?< II >
It's 5:08 am for our time, well...as i'm sitting behind this monitor, looking at your innocent sleeping face. And at that moment, i thought to myself; it's something that can wipe away all my fears, worries, stress and un-necessary unconfortable feelings around me. A look, that will ease my soul, here...i'd decided that i would protect this little feelings of mine, just to watch you asleep, before i do. =)
Friday, February 24, 2006
Places, full of memories....
Went out to Midvalley around 7ish, and received a problematic calls about laptop bags from her. And so, i hurry with the photo printing at 2nd floor near jusco, and run all the way to LG, burgerking there to get the grapeCandies, and dash to my car which i park near the photo printing shop...exhausted..well, it was 715+/- that time, went to her house and take the laptop bagz, and from there on, first time urge to speed all the way to KLIA.
KLIA, a place where i hate, yet love to go..zzz...along the NPE way, and summit way still okay..but right after i reach kesas, that stupid rain start to pour, and it was a heavy one = = My sight is totally blured out if i drive more than 80km/h, and i only got like, 1 hour ? At first, i thought i couldn't make it...holding up my tears, i never give up...there's partly of the way which it isn't raining, and so..i speed 150km/h at that time, and slowed down when it's the downpour area.
Took me one freaking blardy hour to get there, blocked by peoples on escalators, blocked shortcut passage in midvalley, getting stuck behind some slownub driver, nearly gotten into accident for speeding + smsing + overtaking cars + making calls in da rain, step on accelator and brakes without hesitating, parked at parking lots where it says construction in progress at KLIA, running all the way to mcD from parking lot, tired, leg worn out, stressed, but..The feelings of seeing her for the last 5 minute before she left, is nothing compared to what i've been through for the day, this is how much your mean in my life.
And after seeing you checking in the ....[Fastforward] And so, i drive home, thinking no one but only you. Sad, but glad...cause because of you, i learn how to love a person...and once again, thanks..for letting me loving you. And so, the whole 1 hour journey back to subang, wishing you a safe trip, and asking myself to be strong...in this 4 month.
KLIA, a place where i hate, yet love to go..zzz...along the NPE way, and summit way still okay..but right after i reach kesas, that stupid rain start to pour, and it was a heavy one = = My sight is totally blured out if i drive more than 80km/h, and i only got like, 1 hour ? At first, i thought i couldn't make it...holding up my tears, i never give up...there's partly of the way which it isn't raining, and so..i speed 150km/h at that time, and slowed down when it's the downpour area.
And after seeing you checking in the ....[Fastforward] And so, i drive home, thinking no one but only you. Sad, but glad...cause because of you, i learn how to love a person...and once again, thanks..for letting me loving you. And so, the whole 1 hour journey back to subang, wishing you a safe trip, and asking myself to be strong...in this 4 month.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Give, or take ?
God, love everyone..he would sacrifice everything for everyone..and peoples, love god...even tho he never really showed himself how truthful his love is..but faith, and believe..always let people think that god love them.
But compare to people here..no matter how much you love a person...if he isn't meant for you, mean..he's not...sometimes, no matter how hard we try, obstacles will always be there to pull us down. The only thing that can keep things moving is faith sometimes.But, for a god who never do anything to build up faith can gain so much love from others, but...a people who did so much, the love can be break just in a matter of second..how true, is that fact..
It's very hard to treat 2 person nice actually...as in, kind, normal kind. People might think one person is good to everyone, but when give thoughts...when that person really treat someone nicer...others, will sure get jealous..but what if he whom treats 2 person/more the same level ? does that mean more people would hurt just because he just wanna show his kindness to everyone around him ? But, why would they hate it when it's a person who do it, but not the all almighty god around the world that people believe in, and again..that they never see him before..
Sometimes, people still need to sacrifice no matter what you do..being a devil might be easy, but being kind..aint easy at all...no matter how kind a person is, there's still people hurt by it...love is cruel, kindness hurts, faithful breaks, and sadness repeats...why is people born this way anyway, when all of them call themself a human being.
But compare to people here..no matter how much you love a person...if he isn't meant for you, mean..he's not...sometimes, no matter how hard we try, obstacles will always be there to pull us down. The only thing that can keep things moving is faith sometimes.But, for a god who never do anything to build up faith can gain so much love from others, but...a people who did so much, the love can be break just in a matter of second..how true, is that fact..
It's very hard to treat 2 person nice actually...as in, kind, normal kind. People might think one person is good to everyone, but when give thoughts...when that person really treat someone nicer...others, will sure get jealous..but what if he whom treats 2 person/more the same level ? does that mean more people would hurt just because he just wanna show his kindness to everyone around him ? But, why would they hate it when it's a person who do it, but not the all almighty god around the world that people believe in, and again..that they never see him before..
Sometimes, people still need to sacrifice no matter what you do..being a devil might be easy, but being kind..aint easy at all...no matter how kind a person is, there's still people hurt by it...love is cruel, kindness hurts, faithful breaks, and sadness repeats...why is people born this way anyway, when all of them call themself a human being.
Sunday, February 19, 2006
The sacrifices...
"You must sacrifice something, to gain something equivalantly." I never believe in those word in the way of life, at least...not now. In this world which is full of confusion, hatress, and love. Sometimes, we don't get what we want when we sacrifice something.
For the star that i'm trying to reach this few years, from what i'd realize...sacrifice is always needed when one's are persuing their own dreams, and desire. This star of mine that i'm chasing; just to being with her, i can put alot of things aside; and just to being not part with her, i can do anything for that. I guess, everyone does that when they really want to be with someone...the only problem is just how long it'll last.
I cant predict the future, i cant prove that i'll be loving this gurls till the end of the day, with words, or with chrono orb, the only thing that can proof is, time. Well, it sounds like a gamble. At the other side, she would had gambled with her time to see whether i'm being truthful or not...at my place, i have to sacrifice, just to proof it to her.
To the girl i love, even tho there's another girl that might suite me better, likes me/love me. You'll still be the one, and the only one..dont ask me why, maybe...because of you, whom makes my life more meaningful, cheerful, and lively till other people can feel it from me, that might explain why i'm attracting girls around me, it's because you exist within me. ^^
For the star that i'm trying to reach this few years, from what i'd realize...sacrifice is always needed when one's are persuing their own dreams, and desire. This star of mine that i'm chasing; just to being with her, i can put alot of things aside; and just to being not part with her, i can do anything for that. I guess, everyone does that when they really want to be with someone...the only problem is just how long it'll last.
I cant predict the future, i cant prove that i'll be loving this gurls till the end of the day, with words, or with chrono orb, the only thing that can proof is, time. Well, it sounds like a gamble. At the other side, she would had gambled with her time to see whether i'm being truthful or not...at my place, i have to sacrifice, just to proof it to her.
To the girl i love, even tho there's another girl that might suite me better, likes me/love me. You'll still be the one, and the only one..dont ask me why, maybe...because of you, whom makes my life more meaningful, cheerful, and lively till other people can feel it from me, that might explain why i'm attracting girls around me, it's because you exist within me. ^^
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
What's, important ?
Once upon a time, there's this college...where the time passes slowly, people living normal college lifes, and everything is so normal..until the long awaited pr0m night is near, it's when everyone starts to get excited.
So there was this story..where a guy invited a gurl that he admire..since month ago, to this lovely pr0m night that everyone expecting; cause, it's the night, where everyone gets a date, dress up nicely that you wont do in colleges, going out..and, it's the day where you show your unique features, fashion, attitude, or maybe the time you might cherish the most in your life time. And of course, this charming long haired lovely girl..accepted the date to the prom night, even there's still 3 months time till the night. It sounds so easily, of course it's because the gurl, like the guy to.
And so, this guy was very happy about it, well..who would not. He get excited even more, thinking of what to dress up on that day; Someone like him, who never care about his appearence, hair...dressing. For the very first time in this guy's life, he went in the tailor shop..seeking for advices on coats that might look good on him, for this perfect date, for that sake, he learn about the formalities dresscode, that he never imagine he would learn. Not only that, he even went to the saloon..seeking for the best hairstyle, 3 month before the night. So that he would had the greatest appearence during his date, and impress the gurl. 2 months before the night, he even learn the polite way to talk, just to show that, he's very thankful for the gurl to accept his date. In short, he change his ownself completely, and trying to impress as much as he could..just for one night, which might change his entire life.
As for the gurl that likes him, of course she was doing the same thing...the dress she went to alter so many times, worried that it might not match her date, making up over and over again just to find the best look on her on that day, going through hair catalogs just for that day. All, is done..in 3 months before the date.
And so....one day before the prom night, this guy, was looking at his very own black coat...and dreaming about the day, where he might be able to show the best out from him, and confess to her, his own feelings. He stayed up whole night, just to think of words to talk to her, tomorrow.
On that day during the pr0m night...where he wore his neatly done coat, tied up his tie....comb his hair nicely, and driving his 'just-washed' car, excitingly, and smiling all the way to the gurls house.
As he reach the bus-station that she's waiting for him..crowds were all around it, which makes him wonder what's wrong. As he waits for seconds, for no reason..he start to panic...naturally...he open the door, went down the car...and run towards the crowded scene. He move beside the crowds..looking for the gurl..but she wasn't therelwondering if she's still preparing for the night. Without 2nd thoughts, he dig through his way through the crowds, trying to get a clear sight of what's going on inside. And, his heart skip a few beat, couldn't believe himself, while tears rush out from his eye. He saw the gurl, with blood all over her...was carried into the ambulance, and the gurl..was the one that she wanted to pick up..couldn't believe, was too shock to accept what had happened and what he sees...but, whispers around him wouldn't stop haunting him, "She was waiting for someone, maybe she's going for a date", and some other guys, "How pitiful she is..must be waiting for someone to pick him up"...it just keep spinning all over him...without 2nd thoughts..he rushed back to his car..and followed the ambulance.
And as for this girl. She'll be lying in her bed...sleeping, eternaly..not like fairy tales when she'll wake up with a prince kiss..but, it's unpredictable when she'll wake up. Her time, has stop since then. Years....after years...people might think, the guy should move on..and people might think, he should take care of her, even tho they can't give an answer when she'll waking up. The guy, has a tough decision to make, which once again..might change his life..
Sometimes...things happen different from what we think or expect;
Sometimes, it becomes even greater..but sometimes, it become worse;
Sometimes we might be lost at a certain situation,;
at this rate, We can do nothing about it, but to believe what we believe in at the time..and continue to move on with that believes. And when the day comes, when we realize our mistakes...we cry, regret...and eventually, we learn...and we move on, embedded with the feelings at the past.
What this couple had really hope, is just to go out for a date, for the prom night. But, what will happen if this gurl, wake up after 3 years, and realize she slept for that long...while, knowing the guy already had someone else..you never know how it feels, and i, so do everyone...definately wouldn't want to know how it feels. I guess, people should always think, what is important once in awhile..cause, it's important.
And until now, no matter what happen..if this gurl is the one that i love, i would wait for her..till she wake up..staying by her side...even tho people might say my time had stop..but, who was actually talking on behalf of her ? who was actually...thinking of best for her...even tho, i might be only one, even tho i might be wrong..but i'll never leave her alone, as long as i'm still around. That's, how important someone i love to me.
So there was this story..where a guy invited a gurl that he admire..since month ago, to this lovely pr0m night that everyone expecting; cause, it's the night, where everyone gets a date, dress up nicely that you wont do in colleges, going out..and, it's the day where you show your unique features, fashion, attitude, or maybe the time you might cherish the most in your life time. And of course, this charming long haired lovely girl..accepted the date to the prom night, even there's still 3 months time till the night. It sounds so easily, of course it's because the gurl, like the guy to.
And so, this guy was very happy about it, well..who would not. He get excited even more, thinking of what to dress up on that day; Someone like him, who never care about his appearence, hair...dressing. For the very first time in this guy's life, he went in the tailor shop..seeking for advices on coats that might look good on him, for this perfect date, for that sake, he learn about the formalities dresscode, that he never imagine he would learn. Not only that, he even went to the saloon..seeking for the best hairstyle, 3 month before the night. So that he would had the greatest appearence during his date, and impress the gurl. 2 months before the night, he even learn the polite way to talk, just to show that, he's very thankful for the gurl to accept his date. In short, he change his ownself completely, and trying to impress as much as he could..just for one night, which might change his entire life.
As for the gurl that likes him, of course she was doing the same thing...the dress she went to alter so many times, worried that it might not match her date, making up over and over again just to find the best look on her on that day, going through hair catalogs just for that day. All, is done..in 3 months before the date.
And so....one day before the prom night, this guy, was looking at his very own black coat...and dreaming about the day, where he might be able to show the best out from him, and confess to her, his own feelings. He stayed up whole night, just to think of words to talk to her, tomorrow.
On that day during the pr0m night...where he wore his neatly done coat, tied up his tie....comb his hair nicely, and driving his 'just-washed' car, excitingly, and smiling all the way to the gurls house.
As he reach the bus-station that she's waiting for him..crowds were all around it, which makes him wonder what's wrong. As he waits for seconds, for no reason..he start to panic...naturally...he open the door, went down the car...and run towards the crowded scene. He move beside the crowds..looking for the gurl..but she wasn't therelwondering if she's still preparing for the night. Without 2nd thoughts, he dig through his way through the crowds, trying to get a clear sight of what's going on inside. And, his heart skip a few beat, couldn't believe himself, while tears rush out from his eye. He saw the gurl, with blood all over her...was carried into the ambulance, and the gurl..was the one that she wanted to pick up..couldn't believe, was too shock to accept what had happened and what he sees...but, whispers around him wouldn't stop haunting him, "She was waiting for someone, maybe she's going for a date", and some other guys, "How pitiful she is..must be waiting for someone to pick him up"...it just keep spinning all over him...without 2nd thoughts..he rushed back to his car..and followed the ambulance.
And as for this girl. She'll be lying in her bed...sleeping, eternaly..not like fairy tales when she'll wake up with a prince kiss..but, it's unpredictable when she'll wake up. Her time, has stop since then. Years....after years...people might think, the guy should move on..and people might think, he should take care of her, even tho they can't give an answer when she'll waking up. The guy, has a tough decision to make, which once again..might change his life..
Sometimes...things happen different from what we think or expect;
Sometimes, it becomes even greater..but sometimes, it become worse;
Sometimes we might be lost at a certain situation,;
at this rate, We can do nothing about it, but to believe what we believe in at the time..and continue to move on with that believes. And when the day comes, when we realize our mistakes...we cry, regret...and eventually, we learn...and we move on, embedded with the feelings at the past.
What this couple had really hope, is just to go out for a date, for the prom night. But, what will happen if this gurl, wake up after 3 years, and realize she slept for that long...while, knowing the guy already had someone else..you never know how it feels, and i, so do everyone...definately wouldn't want to know how it feels. I guess, people should always think, what is important once in awhile..cause, it's important.
And until now, no matter what happen..if this gurl is the one that i love, i would wait for her..till she wake up..staying by her side...even tho people might say my time had stop..but, who was actually talking on behalf of her ? who was actually...thinking of best for her...even tho, i might be only one, even tho i might be wrong..but i'll never leave her alone, as long as i'm still around. That's, how important someone i love to me.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Fallen Angel
F ailure in keeping my love one always happen in my life
A nything happen is all my fault
I hate to admit. But, it is...
L onglasting love will never appear to me
L ife for me is so hard, dull and meaningless
E ven the road i am walking is full of excitment
N ever ever want to think of my future to seek for another love
A nticipation for my love one to come back to me?
N ever will happen to me
G ive or Take?
E ternity love?.....Can you believe that?
L ove...i hope it's still exist..
It's the 2nd time i post this up..1st one was from msn spaces. These short phrases is getting...real.
A nything happen is all my fault
I hate to admit. But, it is...
L onglasting love will never appear to me
L ife for me is so hard, dull and meaningless
E ven the road i am walking is full of excitment
N ever ever want to think of my future to seek for another love
A nticipation for my love one to come back to me?
N ever will happen to me
G ive or Take?
E ternity love?.....Can you believe that?
L ove...i hope it's still exist..
It's the 2nd time i post this up..1st one was from msn spaces. These short phrases is getting...real.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Patience ? Determination ? or Commitment ?
The story:
"A married couple;a working husband;a typical housewife. Living happily together, tho their daily routine would be the same everyday. Everymorning, they might have breakfast before the husband goes to work. The next time they both see eachother would be, the night..when the husband came back from work. And so, they had dinner, spend the rest of the time..till the next morning. And this might last through few years..10, 20..or maybe 30+ years."
What amaze me was, being apart for so many hours almost everyday, and still be able to last till so many years. Easy as it sound..but you never know how the wife/husband feel each minute passes everyday, not to mention when it's hours, last for years. Love can be so strong, till they'll endure those feelings..just to see their love one during night, and parted early in the morning.
I think, nowadays i get to feel how is it like, waiting for hours, just to see her online.
"Back to the story, But..what if, one day....the wife found out that the husband..has been seeing another gurl between their parting time. I wonder, how would the wife feels. Same thing goes to the guys, who found out the wife, seeing another guy when he's out."
Those feelings..might reflect on how i felt, the difference is; i'm not married..and, i'm living on..with that feelings with me. Sometimes i really wonder, how does one differentiate between fair..or not fair.
"And so, the stories goes on. If that married couple really care and love each other, if they still remmeber their commitment..they might just dump the person they seeing, for the sake of their current love ones. But, what if one's decided to follow another person ? "
They might think: He/she might step down the stage, and continue letting it be..since..maybe the person they going out with now, more capable than themself, where...they just wish nothing for happiness. Well, this is one kind of love that all of us dream of, but..never wish for.
And another choice, they might goes in a big fight, where 2 possibilites result might occur..they get back together..but they might not be as bond to each other as before. And another result..simply put..they divorce.
People might think, if love is so easily being shaken of, then what is the real love ? If you ask a kid what is love, you might get the answer, "I love my daddy, that is love". Well, if you ask a teen about it, they might say "I love him/her cause i cant live without him/her". And if you ask an adult, you might get an answer like "Love is someone you care of most, i love them simply because i want them to be happy".
It's just a not very constructive teory i'd said there, but..what if, you found someone you cant live without with, gazing out the window just thinking of them everynight, and simply wants them get their own happiness ?
Back to the story..alright..if one of them let go their love one, just thinking of their happiness..then what happen to the person who let go ? The answer for their love is to see their love one happy, being together with other person ?
I often thought, happiness, always coup with sadness..at first, i never really wanna believe that..but now..zzz
Sometimes people often wonder, what is fair...cause..for what i've seen through this years, alone..observing people..nothing, is always fair. I guess, that's how people live on. Does that means people have to live on with that saddening facts ?
With so much confusing feelings within me...i guess, no one can help it. Life, might be not fair..but, people can TRY to be fair..i wanted to be fair, not to myself..but at least to the people around me..that would be enough for me.
Well, it might be just because of time..that wouldn't let me forget all these feelings now; i guess i'll accept it, as my sin.
"A married couple;a working husband;a typical housewife. Living happily together, tho their daily routine would be the same everyday. Everymorning, they might have breakfast before the husband goes to work. The next time they both see eachother would be, the night..when the husband came back from work. And so, they had dinner, spend the rest of the time..till the next morning. And this might last through few years..10, 20..or maybe 30+ years."
What amaze me was, being apart for so many hours almost everyday, and still be able to last till so many years. Easy as it sound..but you never know how the wife/husband feel each minute passes everyday, not to mention when it's hours, last for years. Love can be so strong, till they'll endure those feelings..just to see their love one during night, and parted early in the morning.
I think, nowadays i get to feel how is it like, waiting for hours, just to see her online.
"Back to the story, But..what if, one day....the wife found out that the husband..has been seeing another gurl between their parting time. I wonder, how would the wife feels. Same thing goes to the guys, who found out the wife, seeing another guy when he's out."
Those feelings..might reflect on how i felt, the difference is; i'm not married..and, i'm living on..with that feelings with me. Sometimes i really wonder, how does one differentiate between fair..or not fair.
"And so, the stories goes on. If that married couple really care and love each other, if they still remmeber their commitment..they might just dump the person they seeing, for the sake of their current love ones. But, what if one's decided to follow another person ? "
They might think: He/she might step down the stage, and continue letting it be..since..maybe the person they going out with now, more capable than themself, where...they just wish nothing for happiness. Well, this is one kind of love that all of us dream of, but..never wish for.
And another choice, they might goes in a big fight, where 2 possibilites result might occur..they get back together..but they might not be as bond to each other as before. And another result..simply put..they divorce.
People might think, if love is so easily being shaken of, then what is the real love ? If you ask a kid what is love, you might get the answer, "I love my daddy, that is love". Well, if you ask a teen about it, they might say "I love him/her cause i cant live without him/her". And if you ask an adult, you might get an answer like "Love is someone you care of most, i love them simply because i want them to be happy".
It's just a not very constructive teory i'd said there, but..what if, you found someone you cant live without with, gazing out the window just thinking of them everynight, and simply wants them get their own happiness ?
Back to the story..alright..if one of them let go their love one, just thinking of their happiness..then what happen to the person who let go ? The answer for their love is to see their love one happy, being together with other person ?
I often thought, happiness, always coup with sadness..at first, i never really wanna believe that..but now..zzz
Sometimes people often wonder, what is fair...cause..for what i've seen through this years, alone..observing people..nothing, is always fair. I guess, that's how people live on. Does that means people have to live on with that saddening facts ?
With so much confusing feelings within me...i guess, no one can help it. Life, might be not fair..but, people can TRY to be fair..i wanted to be fair, not to myself..but at least to the people around me..that would be enough for me.
Well, it might be just because of time..that wouldn't let me forget all these feelings now; i guess i'll accept it, as my sin.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Dreaming of you...
It's 3:19am here, and i'm still wide awake. Thinking of what happen hours ago.
Just to see you online, i had waited patienly infront of comp for hours. Worth it ? Yes. I get to chat with you, see you through webcam...and there we are, chatting like nothing had change, as if tomorrow never comes. Even tho it's just online, msn..talking with words, and tho we are only connected through the lines, but somehow, i can always feel you there...as if i can touch you, embrace you..and heard your voice. The most wonderful thing here is, i had forgotten how hard it is before you online, it's like..those time never exist, more like..your existence buried all those hard time i've been through, and once again..i'm glad i knew you.
And now, here i am...thinking of nothing, except you. I wonder if it only last only this few days. But, what my heart telling me now is..it's a feelings, that i'll keep inside my heart..forever. ^^
Just to see you online, i had waited patienly infront of comp for hours. Worth it ? Yes. I get to chat with you, see you through webcam...and there we are, chatting like nothing had change, as if tomorrow never comes. Even tho it's just online, msn..talking with words, and tho we are only connected through the lines, but somehow, i can always feel you there...as if i can touch you, embrace you..and heard your voice. The most wonderful thing here is, i had forgotten how hard it is before you online, it's like..those time never exist, more like..your existence buried all those hard time i've been through, and once again..i'm glad i knew you.
And now, here i am...thinking of nothing, except you. I wonder if it only last only this few days. But, what my heart telling me now is..it's a feelings, that i'll keep inside my heart..forever. ^^
Friday, February 10, 2006
Love ?
There's so many website laying around explaining what is love all about. But, why is this lovely 4 character word can be so hard to understand, so hard to feel it when it comes to reality.
It aint something that people can explain just using a dictionary..or maybe, we'll understand a little if someone sharing their love life. But how many of us actually knows what it means ? And react to it ?
During those times, i always stand up and help my friends solving their relation problems. It's not like i'm pro or very good at all those, neither i have any love life experience. But still, my logical advices always helps, sometimes even tho it's just a little,well...better than nothing. =)
Point is, when it comes to the person who actually facing those problems, it's harder to deal with, alot more harder than expected. It's easy to say than to be done. Tho i already know what to do, no matter how i execute those idea, i'll still in confuse status;it's like trying to use the ladder to climb up from the deep little well that i fell in..but doubt the ladder, that it might break off halfway, or maybe i just don't have the strenght to do it.
I don't know what others think about love and relationship, some will just wanna hold hands, some wanna boast about their bf/gf aka show offy, some go for for good looking just to impress their friends, some just wanna hugz, taking advantages and such. Looking at those people really makes me sick, but at the same time, i could care less, cause it's not my life. If they're willing to do it, why not?
All of my life, i've been only looking for someone who can fill up the pieces within me, yeah..someone who can be apart of me, just one person would be enough..and i could love them the rest of my life. I know, eternal love never exist, people change, feelings fade..people get married, they got divorce, there's even married couple that married for a life time, but still couldn't understand each other..and i would say, they found the wrong one.
But, in my situation...everything that we do..it's too alike that until i myself afraid sometimes, how can there be someone who have such an identical personality when they're not even twins. Well, i guess anyone could be shock if someone says out your words even before you wanna open your mouth. It's good..and in another way, it's bad..
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired - Well yeah, no matter how tired, sleepy, or sick you are..if you're love one appear infront of you at anytime, your mind, and heart will feel at ease..and without knowing it, you'll actually forgot that you're tired.
People shouldnt' really say "I love you" unless they really mean it. But if they really mean it..they should say it alot..cause people tend to forget easily. But saying it without getting a reply isn't good either. Maybe, it's better to become pets, cause owner loves their pets more than human beings.
It aint something that people can explain just using a dictionary..or maybe, we'll understand a little if someone sharing their love life. But how many of us actually knows what it means ? And react to it ?
During those times, i always stand up and help my friends solving their relation problems. It's not like i'm pro or very good at all those, neither i have any love life experience. But still, my logical advices always helps, sometimes even tho it's just a little,well...better than nothing. =)
Point is, when it comes to the person who actually facing those problems, it's harder to deal with, alot more harder than expected. It's easy to say than to be done. Tho i already know what to do, no matter how i execute those idea, i'll still in confuse status;it's like trying to use the ladder to climb up from the deep little well that i fell in..but doubt the ladder, that it might break off halfway, or maybe i just don't have the strenght to do it.
I don't know what others think about love and relationship, some will just wanna hold hands, some wanna boast about their bf/gf aka show offy, some go for for good looking just to impress their friends, some just wanna hugz, taking advantages and such. Looking at those people really makes me sick, but at the same time, i could care less, cause it's not my life. If they're willing to do it, why not?
All of my life, i've been only looking for someone who can fill up the pieces within me, yeah..someone who can be apart of me, just one person would be enough..and i could love them the rest of my life. I know, eternal love never exist, people change, feelings fade..people get married, they got divorce, there's even married couple that married for a life time, but still couldn't understand each other..and i would say, they found the wrong one.
But, in my situation...everything that we do..it's too alike that until i myself afraid sometimes, how can there be someone who have such an identical personality when they're not even twins. Well, i guess anyone could be shock if someone says out your words even before you wanna open your mouth. It's good..and in another way, it's bad..
Love is what makes you smile when you're tired - Well yeah, no matter how tired, sleepy, or sick you are..if you're love one appear infront of you at anytime, your mind, and heart will feel at ease..and without knowing it, you'll actually forgot that you're tired.
People shouldnt' really say "I love you" unless they really mean it. But if they really mean it..they should say it alot..cause people tend to forget easily. But saying it without getting a reply isn't good either. Maybe, it's better to become pets, cause owner loves their pets more than human beings.
So many things to do, so little time..
Girls are like stars...there are millions of them, but only one that can really move your heart. Well, sort of like dream comes true, but i would say; it's someone that complete your soul.
Everyone born missing something, it's just like a puzzle set that were missing a piece, with this little red light, people have to decide. The decision we make is very important; 1, we give up and let it be..regret for not taking it care well, or blame luck for it. or 2, we desperately looking for the missing pieces, day after day...and till the day we give up, or never give up. Even tho we found the pieces, it might not fit in, or it's too loose.
It reflects so much on ourself, even tho that we're constantly looking for mates, another half of us that we decided to live on with. The commitment we made to ourself, it breaches so easily; Well, i guess that just normal for people, human being like us. And thus, we call that mistakes, and regrets comes next.
To forgive ? or not to forgive ourself. Is rather hard. If someone aint serious about their own decision, then..regretting aint something hard to overcome, it might just goes off after days. But, for someone who made a decision as if it's a decision of life and death, those mistakes that they made, and the regrets they carry on...will eventually haunt them forever. I cant prove that statement is completely true..just that, people might not understand. Feelings aint like ABC, we might be able to communicate with each other if we learn the one language. But, to learn each's others feelings, we have to go to them and know them ourself, cause...everyone is different.
Words, are often heard...but feelings, aren't often feels. It might be emberassing at first, but..if you never tell someone how you feel about them, it'll be unfair for them. At least, people would know their reasons of existence...and what they'd done when they're alive, and so here i am...wiped away emberassed this word away from myself, and doing things solely from the heart, not with words.
Everyone born missing something, it's just like a puzzle set that were missing a piece, with this little red light, people have to decide. The decision we make is very important; 1, we give up and let it be..regret for not taking it care well, or blame luck for it. or 2, we desperately looking for the missing pieces, day after day...and till the day we give up, or never give up. Even tho we found the pieces, it might not fit in, or it's too loose.
It reflects so much on ourself, even tho that we're constantly looking for mates, another half of us that we decided to live on with. The commitment we made to ourself, it breaches so easily; Well, i guess that just normal for people, human being like us. And thus, we call that mistakes, and regrets comes next.
To forgive ? or not to forgive ourself. Is rather hard. If someone aint serious about their own decision, then..regretting aint something hard to overcome, it might just goes off after days. But, for someone who made a decision as if it's a decision of life and death, those mistakes that they made, and the regrets they carry on...will eventually haunt them forever. I cant prove that statement is completely true..just that, people might not understand. Feelings aint like ABC, we might be able to communicate with each other if we learn the one language. But, to learn each's others feelings, we have to go to them and know them ourself, cause...everyone is different.
Words, are often heard...but feelings, aren't often feels. It might be emberassing at first, but..if you never tell someone how you feel about them, it'll be unfair for them. At least, people would know their reasons of existence...and what they'd done when they're alive, and so here i am...wiped away emberassed this word away from myself, and doing things solely from the heart, not with words.
A moment of happiness ? Or..
Went to 1U..and did something which is quite un-explainable. Or rather, i dont wanna talk about it. Good ? Yeah, i think..it's something that i really wished for, but sadly already known that it wont last long. Even though it's just a short time; but..it seems that i've been waiting for all these feelings in my entire life. Haa, but, after that..again, it was h3ll. Embracing someone, which you know it's not yours.
In the afternoon, i lost my wallet...It happened right when i didn't pay attention to it, even it's just a single second. Yeah, it all happen within 1 minute. Simply put, i ran awhile, drop it..went back, and it's lost. More like, it's mean to be gone. I dun mind, losing anything inside, except the pictures...especially the one we made in Pyramid, during those times. All this while, i've been telling myself, anything can be lose..but, not that...cause, it's too precious for me. So i guess, now..it teaches me; when someone wanna take away something for you, if it really happens, it will happen.
Rage, and angry when i lost it, and there she is again, standing by my side..cheering me up. She's the only one that can make me run, the only one that can make me cry, laugh, soft hearted, and sacrifices. Dont ask me what i mean, cause..that's what i meant.
Well, i guess it's just a day full of bad, and great memories. In the end, it's just...sadness..and once again, tears..are trying to rush out.
In the afternoon, i lost my wallet...It happened right when i didn't pay attention to it, even it's just a single second. Yeah, it all happen within 1 minute. Simply put, i ran awhile, drop it..went back, and it's lost. More like, it's mean to be gone. I dun mind, losing anything inside, except the pictures...especially the one we made in Pyramid, during those times. All this while, i've been telling myself, anything can be lose..but, not that...cause, it's too precious for me. So i guess, now..it teaches me; when someone wanna take away something for you, if it really happens, it will happen.
Rage, and angry when i lost it, and there she is again, standing by my side..cheering me up. She's the only one that can make me run, the only one that can make me cry, laugh, soft hearted, and sacrifices. Dont ask me what i mean, cause..that's what i meant.
Well, i guess it's just a day full of bad, and great memories. In the end, it's just...sadness..and once again, tears..are trying to rush out.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
The very single moment, in one m0rning..
Here am i, online in the morning...staring at her name...wondering should i message her, or not.
Yesterday night, was hell. Stayed up, doing nothing but thinking of her, holding back my tears all the night. Telling myself to stop this nonsense, and just wish her. But i guess it's impossible for me, for now.
Here she is, message me with a single poke that i've always love.How should i respond ? i never know...
Yesterday night, was hell. Stayed up, doing nothing but thinking of her, holding back my tears all the night. Telling myself to stop this nonsense, and just wish her. But i guess it's impossible for me, for now.
Here she is, message me with a single poke that i've always love.How should i respond ? i never know...
Snowflakes, that will never melt.
Before i forget what it meants, i should write this down. But before that, i got an interesting phrase to share:
"I dont simply make promises that i never intend to keep, when i say forever;Forever is what i meant"
Yes, as all of us knows, most of the promises were lies. But at least, the promises i had with this certain person, i still intend to keep it. Believe, and had faith with it. Though the time now might be hard for me, alone; Giving up aint an option for me, never. Snowflakes, will eventually melt when it falls, just like some promises that we make when we were young. But, the reasons i said it'll never melt, cause...it's promises that i intend to keep. Forever, without regretting.
"I dont simply make promises that i never intend to keep, when i say forever;Forever is what i meant"
Yes, as all of us knows, most of the promises were lies. But at least, the promises i had with this certain person, i still intend to keep it. Believe, and had faith with it. Though the time now might be hard for me, alone; Giving up aint an option for me, never. Snowflakes, will eventually melt when it falls, just like some promises that we make when we were young. But, the reasons i said it'll never melt, cause...it's promises that i intend to keep. Forever, without regretting.
The end ? Or, the new beginning.
It's the day that i'd finally tell her my true feelings, reasons...and things i had done in the past. Well, good thing is, everything had set clearly between us, finally she understand me. But, everything is too late now, way..too late. How nice if i realize all these 6 months ago; telling her how i feel...and, i would had be with her right now, rather than seeing her with another guy. Hurt, alot.
Things that i had learn from it, is really unforgetable...or should i said, it's something that it'll hunt me ,and regret forever. At first i really thought , why was people actually born for ? Continue living, passing on knowledge, our life aint gonna last long long, to love, and to hurt. For what sake ? own ? future ? the world ? Why the h3ll does so many religions, people type, and races exist anyway, since they're slowly merging up togethers, why do people want war for, when all have the same hope. This is just too weird, even though some share the same dream..but, they walk in a different path, which eventually lead them fighting with each other. How nice if those people meet in a different way, that they might be good friend.
It's 2:34 in the morning, 9th February, 2006. Did what i wanted to do, but no matter how people advice me, i still couldn't let her go. My time, i guess..it'll stop. From now, well..just a guess; but too bad, my senses, has been always right when it comes to the bad part. Move on ? I hope so, but that sounded impossible tho.
A lot of things happened, i suppose that line wont explain much. places embedded with alot of memories...everywhere i go now, reminds me of her...the angel, the only one that i had meet, and the last one that i'll love. People might think it's something good to remember, but..it was too good, to be sad as well.. I guess, i'm gonna live on like that for the rest of my life, with these feelings with me. Must be the payback for what i did to them. Sorry, wasn't enough. But, as for now i only pray for your happiness. Thanks, for all the time with me, i'll love you, forever...and ever, or even i cease to exist, there's no way you'll be replace in my heart. I'll prove it, from now onwards. Not to you, but..to everyone , and myself that, eternal love still exist.
Things that i had learn from it, is really unforgetable...or should i said, it's something that it'll hunt me ,and regret forever. At first i really thought , why was people actually born for ? Continue living, passing on knowledge, our life aint gonna last long long, to love, and to hurt. For what sake ? own ? future ? the world ? Why the h3ll does so many religions, people type, and races exist anyway, since they're slowly merging up togethers, why do people want war for, when all have the same hope. This is just too weird, even though some share the same dream..but, they walk in a different path, which eventually lead them fighting with each other. How nice if those people meet in a different way, that they might be good friend.
It's 2:34 in the morning, 9th February, 2006. Did what i wanted to do, but no matter how people advice me, i still couldn't let her go. My time, i guess..it'll stop. From now, well..just a guess; but too bad, my senses, has been always right when it comes to the bad part. Move on ? I hope so, but that sounded impossible tho.
A lot of things happened, i suppose that line wont explain much. places embedded with alot of memories...everywhere i go now, reminds me of her...the angel, the only one that i had meet, and the last one that i'll love. People might think it's something good to remember, but..it was too good, to be sad as well.. I guess, i'm gonna live on like that for the rest of my life, with these feelings with me. Must be the payback for what i did to them. Sorry, wasn't enough. But, as for now i only pray for your happiness. Thanks, for all the time with me, i'll love you, forever...and ever, or even i cease to exist, there's no way you'll be replace in my heart. I'll prove it, from now onwards. Not to you, but..to everyone , and myself that, eternal love still exist.
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