forbidden love..

Since it wasn't right from the start

why am i still holding onto it anyway

it wasn't mine to begin with

it wasn't a hand i could hold on to

i was wrong in the first place

and so, i guess i should accept that i'm at fault

i shouldn't be even doing this

i shouldn't, make her feel guilt

and so, i think i should not make someone like her

to feel at fault.

And so

Now i know why

there are times, we have to leave the person

we love the most...

Fall for you..

Your smile is facinating

Your voice, are so captivating

Your personality is extraordinary

Your eye, are gorgeous

Everything is so perfect

And I knew right ahead when i first saw you

that, you're the one for me.

Except that, i can never be with you.

near end ?

I can't believe my life is in a turning in a place where it get worst, and guess what...it could get even worst than it is what it is...

Not to mentioned my own love life is already giving me so much depression, interms of family...career, and financial wise, not to mention friends and so forth..everything...is in it's breaking states now..i wonder how long i can hold on to this without breaking down..

Being in-a-one-sided love is hard, as of now...my tears really pushing itself hard, as tho it is telling me they need a shoulder, and a hug so much now...

halo

I saw, an Angel today...

you, are the one i miss..

It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; bt it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want.

i'll walk with you..

Started with a glimpse
it goes with a shy encounter
continue with a rest on a shoulder
viewing the sunrise under the roof
melted in the coldest night
and have the sweetest dream.

In this path of life
Doesn't matter if you're walking fast, or slow;
i'll walk with you.
And if there's something ahead of you blocking your way;
i'll put my life, clearing it out for you
even at it's worst that i wasn't allowed to walk side by side with you
no worries, just go ahead without me..walk towards your dream,and grab hold of what you want.
And no matter how the stories will ends for me, i will just right behind you, just to make sure, i could be there when you need me again.

Wished, that our fairytale would come true...one day..

Just because everything seems to be different, doesn't mean it has changed

How ever i do, is not the same
Whatever i say, sounds different
Which ever i act, doesn't make any sense
as i walk down this un-changeable path
my heart for you, could never changed

I'm not even sure, if life was suppose to live this way
i can't even be sure, what future lies ahead of me
after swimming through the heart-ache vast-sea for the psat 2 month
and going through hell for the past 2 weeks
i realize, loving someone...isn't as simple as it seems anymore...
i do..still miss you...

where do i stand , you asked..

I often realize
when i did something wrong to you
i tried to apologize so much
from the bottom of my heart
yet, you're so reluctant to hear
that in the end it took you forever just to forgive me
as if i'm begging for forgiveness,
as if, everything is my fault
you never gave me a chance to explain
you never explain why exactly are you so mad
you never, gave myself a chance to understand why it happened
you never, tried to understand..at all...

but...when things happens the other way
you started to changed,
claiming that you do not wish it happened
saying that you regreted it
wishing that i would forgive you
in the end
you never tried to understand as well on why am i so mad
you never, try to understand that as time pass by, things weren't as easy as just "i'm sorry"
and you never, think...that no one could ever put back a shattered heart anymore...
-A voice, from a heart of my friend-

i want..to protect..

It's amazing how magical one's smile is,it could miracle-ly wiped away all kind of worries and discouragement that almost brought down someone.

This smile, i hope i could protect it forever...

h3ll ?

Without knowing
it seems that i have drift of the way
where things, definitely out of shape
it's been month, since i struggle
at what i love the most

And now
it seems that the things
has gotten even worst
as tho i went through h3ll
until i could kill myself anytime soon..

i wonder
if i really could get through this life of mine.

somewhere, in da <3

I never knew
it hurt so much
when you try not to look at someone
that you're dying to see.

I guess, that prove the person
still stay in a special place
somewhere, in the heart.

the wall

When someone put up a wall, usually they're the one whois under depression the most,they would still smile as much, but never from their heart,just simply to not let others to worry.

At times, the wall was just to keep people away, in a way to tell that they'll be fine by themself.
Others would usually ignore all these walls as they walk by, In actual fact, the person itself do hope that someday,that there's someone who came across in their life would brave climb over the wall, or break it to share their feelings.

I wonder, was it wrong for me to break all these walls for the past few years, till it would be so heart-ache with just a glance of it now.

taking, for granted..

As weird and haywired this world seems to drift to
there is really alot of things that's unexplainable
which it can only be clear as we aged.

As much as someone says that they understand my intention
as much as people says they knew how i really feels
and as much as people trying to lie their way out
in the end of the day, people might still do not have a clear understanding on what they want..

I am, a perfectionist too
and, at the very least i never lied about my own feelings
and so do my promises...

i wonder, what will become of me
since, giving all the love away is never an assurance that they'll love you back the same way..

the world, will still continue to circle...

Looking back on what happened
having a little thinking of those moments
going through with all the memories
it has became clear that
people whom do things without knowing their intention
people, whom say things without going thru their hearts first
and people, who trying to decide everything on their own base on their own value
are those usually who would end up lost in the end of the day.

What about having the biggest house when it doesn't feel like home ?
what about having the sweetest dream when you couldn't hold on to ?
what if you love someone so deeply, when you can't even say it anymore..
and what if the time is right in the end after all...

In the end, people just do things base on what they want
without caring what other's might feel
so in short, most people are sellfish...
couldn't help it, is a lie
i have no choice, is a bullshit
the time isn't right, is utterly nonsense.

For all these years putting my heart into everything that i believe in
i wonder, how many times it has to a fake
i wonder...which are the feelings that i could believe on anymore...

I guess, no matter how much you yearn for something
if it isn't yours, it never meant to be..
and now i know, why people have no choice
but would give up on someone they love
if they really love them.

memory

It's not about what other people think
sometimes, it's up to self to decide what's best for own
in this world, there's never right or wrong to begin with anyway
because in the end of the day, people..are the one who decides that..

Nothing compared to the pain of one's is alone when they're lost,
nothing, is as freaky,as to already knew what would happen next before the event takes place
nothing, is as painful as waiting for something that could never happen.

And for a small loving warmth that still within me, is the only sweetest memories that i could only hold on to for now.

peaceful, isn't it...

it's been months
thinking about how it happened
it really felt like a dream
a dream where you do not know how it started
where you could not control how it'll goes
which so sweet that it always ended during the best part.

waking up this morning, i could still feel the warmth i had
i still, could feel your fingers in between mine
it's almost as if you're still around me
it's as if, we're walking in the park hands by hands
and then i smiled
realizing...it's just a dream....

the turning..

Not knowing where i could head too
slowly, little by little
i am giving all up
from the thing i like the most
until, the thing i love the most
since it will never work
why bother ?

And as of now
the love that i longed for so badly
i bid thee farewell...

and this, will end this path...

everything, i do..

i would give up my sleep, just to see you, or talk to you
i would give up my pride, just to make sure you're fine
i would give up all my own principles, just to make you feel better
i would give up all my time, just to be with you
i would give up all, of everything and everything else
just
to
see
you
smile...

and now for the thing i missed the most,
i know i wouldn't be able to see it anymore
and, i wouldn't wanna find out
that it's not me you're smiling at.

a path, i search..

and so...i read-ied myself for this little dream...

cast away

It's not easy to face the feelings i'm having
having such a thought that i could feel a stab in my heart with a huge blade

I wonder if this is what's it like to feel being left out
and yet, i wonder if i would ever being not recognize

Having to choose a path where i would end up being alone
having, to become a person who is totally devoted to someone..
who am i kidding anyway, when...this 'someone' doesn't even exist teorically ?

But everytime i could keep moving
is just simply because i know, that i am doing it because i truly love this person...

I'm not as brave as others who could just snatch
i'm not, as smart and as flower guys as someone else
i probably not as a good talker as anyone else..
At least i know, loving you is true
even, if i'm the only one left in this world

a 90 degress turning

in this few days
locking up myself in a room
disconnecting with the world
even for a few hours per day
made me realize alot of things

i realize
there is no end to miss someone that you truly love
the more you try to forget someone;the more you kept remembered the sweetest memories with them
the more i try to avoid not doing things that shouldn't do;the more i would end up hoping even more

the more when i realize i can't let this go
the more i have to keep to myself
the more i can't do the things i could
and the more i can't show my feelings...

In short, i gotten better in "hiding" things now.
Amusing, isn't it...

With how things goes,
i guess....i finally realize what's the last thing i could do...

fragment, of sweetnest

Sitting on my bead, i could sniff the blossom scent of yours still hovering around, while your angelic voice echo-ing in the room. Looking at the things that you like to play with, reminds me of alot of your smile.

A smile, that could kept me moving forward...

this..is where it ends

I just realize
the more you love someone
the more pain it'll have
and the reason why the pain exist
is, the proof that the love...does exist..


as of now
i'll put down the will of want-to-know

from the last day we were so close

till, the next day we were like stranger
i'll just let the reasons slip
and, i guess, there's no need for me to seek for the answer
as long, as you're happy

it doesn't matter what the reason is
doesn't matter who you are with.

I will, remember everything

and I will, always cheer for you...

And in the end...
i don't even know what you really think of me.
and whether if you ever loved me...

This, is where i'll end the love that i thought i found and could grab hold...

recalled..

here I am
on a familiar road
this time I was at the back
looking out towards the window
at those street lights passing by
while hugging the devil

this reminds me of the little princess
where I would give up the whole world
and forget about everything else
when i saw her sound sleep

I would stay up whole night
I would do whatever I could
just to protect your smile
for the memories I had with you
I'm glad it happened
and..it'll stay in my heart
forever

I realize i kept saying over the same thing
probably
cause i kept missing you..over and over again...

closure ?

I just realize
there's probably no need for me
to know
what people think and what happened
after that day afterall...

I should be better this way
of, how it should be now...

stupid..isn't it

Stupid...isn't it...

Been sitting right infront of the monitor

the list, is awefully short tonight

and it's too damn quiet, for a normal friday night.

Here i am, looking forward

to something, that i already knew it'll never happen

and yet, i still wished for it

is there nothing else that i could wish for?

I rejected, those who invited me to the party with their heart,

Cause i know, i wont be enjoying it anyway

Doesn't matter if i'm there

doesn't matter if i'm here

i still think of you

i still...miss you..

For once,

i never realize...

that's, it's been 5 hours +

That the only thing i wish for now

is just be able..to say hie to you..

I'm not even sure anymore..

how small my wish could be altered

how small my expection could be changed

and..how small the hope i could wish for...

How are you now anyway...i thoughts....

dreaming..i am ?

I wonder if i am silly for making this decision..
But, silly or not..i don't think i'll be regretting this =)

Tho i am unsure, but, it's probably the only way to see you again...

I wonder, if my small little hope today will come true ^_^

And now, i am officially declaring me and myself living in my own dream, where..i am still refusing to wake up..

welcome, to the world

And so,
people start to ignore my own existance..
people, start to ignore what i've asked..
people, start to treat me with silent treatment
people, start to not taking my words seriously
people, start to take things for granted,
people, start to do whatever they want
people, start to not care about others feelings
people, start to just act selfishly
and people, will never understand how i feel..

Under this peaceful night
where the rain falls
having my dinner here
I wonder
if you're tired of running
around my mind all these while.

I keep looking forward hearing from you
i kept, looking forward seeing you
i wonder if i had became desperate
to see your smile.

As time pass by
My action, became more contradicts,
i tried to hide it
i tried to fake it
i tried to lie to myself
but it never worked

I wonder
if i really don't have a choice anymore..

under da moonlight

Under the peaceful moonlight
I snuck up my earphone
turn on my ipod
and choose one of my favourite songs

the song echo thru my ears
as comfortable as it could sound
and as sad as it could be
since...it's the only thing that i could play
since, it's the only way...to hear your voice more often.

And so, i set foot
step, after step, i walk
towards a path where nothing in my mind
except you.

The path to home, doesn't seems to be as far
as where you are now..

Even so, we were so near,
and yet, i felt our distance...were so far...
it's as if...it never happened
it's, as if it never exist...
those time, were as if it's a dream...
but...the scratches in my heart, still remains,
and the love that i had, is so real..

I wonder, if it's my own destiny that im the only one who should sacrifice in everything
i wonder, if there's anyone whois doing the same to me, but i missed them out
i wonder...if the voice of my heart, could even reach you
i wonder....if, you're still rejecting it....
i wonder...in the end, if anyone could really understand what i've been through...
i wonder...

The smile, of an angel..

I just realize
just a glance of you beside me
could feel so refreshing.

Did i tell you
You are so beautiful until it would take my breath away ?

I would do anything to keep your lovely smile there
and to not make you cry
as,each drop of your tear...will take my life away...

searching..for a lost smile..

I've been always wonder...If you are happy with the life that you are having now, why...aren't you really smilling ?

as short as it could be..

The smallest word i know is 'I' the sweetest word i know is 'LOVE' the person i never forget is 'YOU'.

I wonder, if you still remember the first time i have mentioned that you were the most lovely sweetest person i have ever known =)

Lighting up...your path~

Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life.

But I'd rather be your moon, so I can shine on you during your darkest hour

Why do i get a feeling, that things...will get out of hands sooner or later this few days if i let it continue ?

For awhile, i was thinking at the past, where....i regret on cutting everything short...

Doesn't matter if i was alone
Doesn't matter if i were being misjudge
Doesn't matter if i were thrown around
Doesn't matter if i were labeled a liar
Doesn't matter if i was being hated

As long as, i manage to protect their future...
That's all, that matters..

But for now, i wonder..if i should see what would happen,
that i know, it would really happens,
If, i never act...

where do i belong....

I guess, for awhile i wont be able to get the care that i wanted.
For long, i have always wished for it
i've been waiting too long, that i can't remember how it feels anymore.

In this world where i always lock my heart,
And so you came by
you gave all the love you could
you showed me the most wonderful things that could happened
and you leave
without teaching me how to forget about you.

I wonder, what's the best way for me to go on..
In the end, where do i really belong anyway...

one small fragments of memories, of you...

You eye is big, round and beautiful.

Just like your heart, it's as beautiful as your eyes.

unconciously, developing da love, towards you..

I guess, feelings wont go anywhere if it were to keep it inside without letting it out.

This is the first time, that i felt so depress, and yet..i'm glad..and never regret
tho i knew how it will turned out
tho i knew there are still things that i could do, that i could push this harder
tho i knew, there are things that i could just force it out from others.
Somehow, deep inside me, i have never been able to do it.

Even though, i always ask them to look for passionate love, instead of just looking at long term relationship
even though, i always ask them to brace themself and be brave to get together with the love they found no matter what future lies
even though, i have been always tell them it's never too late until they got attached.
even though, i have always tell them that people who simply blurt out breaking up aint someone worth being with

I, myself...were never brave enough to do all these.

For all these night, i couldn't even tell apart what are the things that i should do, what are the things that i would regret or not anymore
I am trying, to cut things short by trying to forget about the love that i had,
But for some reason, somehow..it grew even stronger day by day.
I guess at least that means, the love for you was for real...

Having a crush on someone without others knowing, is the sweetest thing that could ever happen, but the reality....are always another matter..

And so, i think it's time, to seclude myself a little bit more and be more contradicts to these world...i guess, sooner or later i'll be back to the world of my own...

I made a mistake...and i wonder, when can i correct it..

There's nothing i could do, to prevent myself from missing you so much...day after day,almost every hours, minutes and second...no matter i was busy working, driving, or even having my lunch or dinner. All i think is you...Even a 10 minute nap, i could even dreamt of you being together, which seems like forever..

I wonder if i would go crazy again as this continues...

Desaturated...

As much as i tried to avoid admiting and ignoring the facts, i guess there's no way i could escape from the reality..

My world has indeed gone less colorful...quieter, and...getting a little bit meaningless...i wonder why...

hmm

It's amazing that how much a glance of eye , and a words from mouth could tell. Sometimes, we just have to ignore when we knew too much...but, there are times i wonder, if..have i ever ignored the wrong things which i am not suppose to ?

I guess, the heart will always tell, while the eyes will always deliver when they meet.

I need you, because..i love you..

I guess, feelings doesn't go away as you wanted.

Often people asked why someone were in relationship anyway, and often..people do not know if it's just a habit, or just cause they truly love each other.

Even now, reading back everything i wrote, i finally understand how...to differentiate someone you like and wanna be with, with someone you love and been dying to live with.

I just realize that, you could love someone so much, till you would let them go. And by loving someone, are always meant to care of their feelings before you.

If that so, i wonder...how long will a relationship last if they were never looking at the same future together..

How many people know how to differentiate between this 2 line anyway ?
* I love you, because i need you
* I need you, because i love you.

i will remembers..

I still remember, the first day i met you...for the unusual me whom usually go out with shorts, and some normal tShirt. I was dressed up nicer that day, what's more..styling up my hair where i don't do usually. Without knowing whom i'll be meeting, i head out for dinner, and that's the night..where it changes my life.

I still remember, the angelic voice which re-sound in me, dress in white, whom i don't even dare to look at, afraid that i'll fall for her in first glance. I avoided pretty well, for the first time..whom i actually decided just to remember nothing, except her beautiful voice.

I still remembers, few days later, here she is again, right infront of me this time. This time, she made me fell again. Her beautiful eyes made me goes deaf for awhile. At that time, i knew...she caught my heart.

I still remember, the day we talk about the things we noticed, the things that we enjoyed about...and that's when i look for all kinds of reasons, to see you whenever i could. And so, this is where i fell deeper..and deeper each day i sees you.

I still remember, the first day i got amazed by the most beautiful smile of yours
I still remember, the things you like the most
I still remembers, the day you enjoyed the most
I still remembers, the day where i am glad that i could spend time with you only
I still remembers, the note u wrote for me
and i'm glad, i'm the one whom you find when you're in trouble, when you needed someone, when you need a shoulder to cry on.

As time past by, even it's just a short period of time, these days seems to be the sweetest memories of all. As it's like a fairy tale..

As much as i wanted to protect you
as much as i miss you every second in everyday
as much as i want to tell you how lovely you are
to tell you how much you meant to me
as much as i want to be with you all the time and be there for you whenever you need
as much as i wanted to tell everyone else how much i love you
I can't...

and i know, in reality..i can't do this, forever.

I'm glad i met you
i'm glad that you let me love you, even it's just for awhile.
Although i can't be your number one,
you're always my number one in life.

But things can't be perfect all the time, that I know, sometimes we just have to let some things go. And now, i have learnt another lesson, where i learn when to give up, when to walk away, Even if it hurts...especially if it hurts.

If this lifetime isn't the time that i could be the one for you...in our next life , i won't have a 2nd thought of asking you to become my forever.

and as of now..i guess, i am strong enough to let this go
I think, it's time for me to draw a line as well,
i would still be around, to make sure your world will remain as colourful as it is
i will still be around, to be there for you whenever you need me.
and i will still be around, loving you from a distance...

And you are..

You're the reason behind my smile, you're the reason for my laughter, and also for the reason for my happiness...because you've showed me what love is but I never thought you're also the reason for my tears and for experiencing the greatest pain that could ever happen me...

do you love me ?

There is a girl that i love...even till now, i still love her, more and more day after day..

But as of now, even tho i can't be with her...i still love her...

every single words that i said, every single feelings that i had, and every single time that i spent for you..will remains as memories....

even till now, i wonder...have you ever love me before..

A show from the outside, and emptiness from the inside..

still hoping for a little caring, and loving from you...even it's just for awhile...i would be happy...

and so...is this the ending ?

Looking back those days
ya, it's true..that i've been a fool all along
silly me who didn't even wanna get hold of chances
stupid me who think that i could handle all these
as of now,
i can't even go through a day
without talking to you even you're around.
It hurt so much
more than bleeding at this moment
like walking on a shattered glasses barefooted.

I wonder, if i have been loved before
or
they just stick around cause of the warmth they looking for.

In the end,
who will be the one who would give me their love ?

Unconditionally loving you..

Do i really need to write more ?

mixture of words

as day pass by
i started to feel that
i myself is running away not only the reality
but also my own dreams.

i really couldn't comprehend what i want to do anymore
at times, i can't really control myself
and for most of the times
even tho i knew i shouldn't
i always ended up doing it.

Even so,
No matter how painful it is
no matter how dark the future holds within me
i will still love you.

it's just another empty post..

fated ?

At about 10 years ago
I told you i love you
and it didn't work out
in the end, i have to spread the love
to another person you asked me to.
It took me 5 years to totally forgets about you.

And now
I said i love you
for now,
it never work out
but weird thing is,
same things happens again,
by asking me to spread my love again
to another person that you asked.

I wonder if it's my fate
that i'll always failed to be with the one i love
while being pushed, to someone else...

if it's so..
as of now,
i decided..to change my fate..
Not cause i wanna be with you,
it's because, i do love you..

rollercoaster...

It's not long since i knew you
but somehow it seems like i've known you forever...
even tho it's only for awhile,
it's the sweetest days that i've been through compared to my past..
even tho it's full of such unexplainable happiness
even tho, it has even more sadness
even tho, my heart shattered so easily everyday
just a glance of your smile
it miraculously sweep away all my sorrow.

I just realize it's not the right time for me to tell you how i really feels,
but i do believe,
Time will help me spread the words around,
and hopefully...when the time comes
no matter what my future lies
i wished that you truly know how i really feels about you.

If it's a fairy tale in dream, i would choose not to wake up from this wonderful, yet short dream.

And so, it rains..

I guess..i should slowly make myself dissappear as time comes...it hurt so much till i would walk in the rain in the morning..but, i think it should be the best for you =*)

I never thought, it was so hard to say how much i need you, cause i love you...

7th of August

People often make empty promises
said words with empty meaning
and always pretend that they are, when they weren't.

It makes me wonder as well, if i were the same
even tho i am not sure
but as of now, here i am...
i've never failed thinking of you..
I did tried to stay away
i did try to gave up
but if i do,
it's even hurter than not being able to hold,

Loving you is the best things happened in my life,
i'm not letting that go, just because we're not meant to be together
i decided to just stay in the shadow
just to continue to look after the one i love
who knows,
as time comes...eventually i'll let go.

Nevertheless,as of now loving you, is real..

and so, it seems my dream...has come to an end...

i wonder if it's the end, of what i hoping for as well..

I do love you

It's been hours
that i didn't do anything else except thinking
It wasn't long
but it seems like forever that i have known you
my heart is at it's limit while i kept telling myself that we weren't meant to be together
as much as i hate to admit and accept that
i am too, a human with feeling.

I still remember the first time i saw you,
the second time
the third time
and until today
i treasured every moment that i am with you
all i think, was you
all i want, is you
even tho i anticipated today will come
even tho, i know i wouldn't stand any chances at all
even tho, i know i am just dreaming

but it was the sweetest dream, i have had all these years
i made a promise, that i would leave at the time you felt like it
and yes, i will keep to my own promise
i told myself that i would stay away
as much as it's tearing up my heart apart
as much as it's like a world's end
i'll just kept to this feelings to myself
just as much as i love you.

And so, my fairy tale ended just like that...
it's only tears, that i found in the end...
and again, i couldn't hold someone dear to me the most for long...
Now i understand..
Now,i see completely
that, long lasting love
Can never seems to happen to me..

And so, my life will start again
walking, on the path of dull and meaningless
Never want to seek for another love again...

There's no way i could forget you
there's no way, i could let you go
there's no way i could stop thinking about you
there's no way i could stop loving you

As much as i tried to hold my tear
As much as i alread promised
i will leave, when you think it's time
and now
i'll just silently, keeping my distance
and i will still
being there for you
loving you

And if there's one thing that i would treat myself better
The best thing that could ever happened in my life,
is you..
hoping, that i could embrace you again...
Probably, i'm just dreaming..

for now, it's for you..

I didn't realize
that at a time that i would actually jealous
at someone who is in a relationship.

Having to watch over 50++ couple
Showing how much they love each other on the spot
really change alot of way of how i think of things
I realize
indeed, i do need alot of love right now

For you
that i found love after i met you
all i wish for,
is just you'll be living happily

And the only thing i'm hoping is
that i would be one
the reason
that could make you happy

I wished that i could share your joy
and your sorrow

I'm wondering, if you would be able to hear my feelings...

I Love You

the lights are out
the music is loud
the people, are enjoying
and the feelings, is nostalgic

After spending hours, thinking in da bistro
i finally comes to a conclusion, on where i should head
dealing with whatever i currently facing first
then, i'll mend whatever i have made a hole last time

i'm not sure whether i should do this or not
i'm not even sure, if i'm right or wrong
but
telling someone you love them, isn't a crime anyway
besides, if i don't i think...i'll definitely regret it..

i told myself
I wouldn't have 2 way feelings anymore on someone
friends, will be friends
closer friends, will always be closer friends
those whom i like and had a crush on them, will forever be on my list
for those whom i'm in love with...i'll always wish for your own happiness
guess what
It's true that everyone wanna be with their love one
sometimes
we can only wish for their own happiness
so
if i'm not the one
no matter how much i tried
no matter how many time i fell

i will, accept it.
But in the end of the day
i'll still tell you
Yes, i Do..love you =) *With a smile*
by then
will you be able to see my HaLo ?

crossway ?

As of now, No matter how hard i tried, i am still missing you...

Really now, i wonder where i should let my feelings lead me, or i should let what i wanna do to lead me...

it's amazing that how much a question can change one person mood =) I'm glad, i knew you

who am i kidding ?

When was the last time i think the same and felt the same as now...January ? Hoping out from nothing with the smallest posibilities, ignoring the fact that it will never happen,trying to archieve something that will never benefit myself. Am i wasting my own time here ? Being an emotional disturbance seems to happen more and more frequently recently, almost everything i do means nothing but reminded of myself how painful is it when i am facing the reality, well that sounded like i was in fantasy all the while.

It seems that i myself doesn't fit into wherever i am anymore, if so..where do i belong at anyway ?

Even when i say it doesn't matter and used to walk alone, at times like those...i still cried alone in my heart.

which direction shud i look at ?

I just realized, maybe i should just keep those feelings inside

but probably it's too late to say that now

I hope things will goes well as it is 

hopefully things didn't turn out as bad as i could imagine.

In my life i never first hope for what i want on my own in the first place

all i hope is, that no one would be troubled after what i have done.

And for the love that i found right now,

i could only wish that she'll be happy on whatever she decided.

As always, I'll choose to be a shadow

no one would realize i'm there, but at least i'm there when they needed someone.

But in the end of the day, i wonder..who would be there for me...when i truly need a shoulder to lean on..

im a human, with feelings too..

in the midst of this darkest path
i can't seems, to stop imagining
the future that i am walking towards
will be as lonely, as i always trying to avoid.

It's been years,
and I wonder when will be the time,
that i could fall apart...

Isn't there anyone,
someone, anyone at all
Who could pull me up
from this sorrowful whirlpool ?

will you be able to hear my feeling ?

Up until now
for everything that i have hope for
for everything that i wished for

I wish to share all the love i have with you..

It might just be a dream
at least, i know i'm alive
at least, could hope and wish for it.

yes, i do

Things that i've been reluctant on doing it
finally, i've mentioned it
even tho it's not from my mouth
but i guess it's better this way, than getting awkward situation after that.
Somehow, i still think it's irresponsible on doing so
by saying something, that i don't even know what i am trying to archieve.

The love that i've been chasing,
always ended up right infront
where i wont be able to grab
wont be able to hold
and somehow , it's never been mine.

It's been too long since i remember when i started to occur all these
probably, this is what i get after turning down those girls in the past
but hey, i hope it's not even related.

For the last time, in this long lost dream
reaching for the long lost stars
just like a snowflakes that will never melt
Maybe i should just accept my fate
for just being beside
silently, lending a hand whenever they need.

And so, my journey continues
looking for the love
with tears, where i no longer can hold it anymore.

add1ct3d ?

everwhere that i'm looking at

i can feel that you're around

addicted to your smile

and loving to see you asleep right beside me

even if it's a fairytale

i hope, this fairytale will never ends.

unconditional ?

now i understand
that i've been missing you so much
until it took my sleep away
all i think is you
i am wondering
if this is the love that belongs to me.

I'm not as brave as i were last time
barging into someone's else relationship aint what i will ever do again
probably
i'll just hav to wait till the right time
and wait, is what i'll do
just because
i do want to be with you.

being emo, for long enough

I just realize as time past by, it's easier to get emotional disturbed.
As of now, almost every single thing i do
every single thing i say
i see
and what people did
i'm easily effected
i guess at this point of time,
i am more fragile than ever,
and i might just act...not myself.

I doubt, i know what i really should do now..

who am i ?

i wonder, who am i to you..

full stop~

I found out that, the more i put an effort on something, the more i'll dissapoint myself.

Probably i was just thinking too much, but...it's been happening for years...

In the end of the day, i think..i'll just put a full stop on all these kind of childish thoughts of being who i am now, which..i think i'm hating it as time past by...seriously, who am i to everyone of you anyway?

<3 ?

i wonder,am i right on this is love that i've been looking for..

the smile..

You have the most beautiful eye that i've seen,
a smile that would take my breath away
a voice, that could made me dream.
and the escent, where i could feel you're near.

Having to tell myself and admit that it's never been mine
having, to used to think that it will never belong to me
having, to accept that i would never have that chance at all to think about it
having, to force myself to think it's all just a dream.

This happend, so often, that as time past by, the love that i seek, no longer will became mine
and at the same time
i think
because of these, it is slowly taking away my smile.
I wonder, when can i really smile and laugh again.

Sooner or later, as the love that i seeks is gone
i guess, i'll lost myself again...

i wonder, where could she be...
thinking of these, always brings my tears alive..

it resurfaced...

It's just 2 months right after i was be able to stop pen down whatever that causes me tears, and here..right now, i can't believe i decided to continue writing all these again.

As probably, loving someone isn't my thing in my life at all. All these while, it's been nothing, except heart broken pains and tears.

How long, can i hold onto being myself with all these happening around me.

I wonder..

the end

and so, this blog has come to an end.

Thank you for reading.

a significant life...

Day after day, things are getting too obvious
The one that i love, still ignoring my feelings
i've been wondering, if this is what i get
from ignoring all the people who likes me
and love me...around me now

i'm really sorry, that i have to give all up
of what i currently can obtain
i know i'm stupid
to chase after something that i don't even know it would be mine
but
that's all i have
that's all i would do
and she's all that i love.

the reason ?

it's hard to say
why am i keeping the thing
that's related to you, for so long

this is cause,
it's all that's left,
which related to you...

It's the only thing,
the only reason,
that i could use,
to see you again,
which might be the last time,
when i return it to you.

fool ?

Sometimes, i kept thinking i am stupid
of all the time, i know i'm dumb
and now, i know i am trying to reach for something
that i could never get hold of.

I know, i am desperate,
each minute passing without you
is hard,
i couldn't even really distract myself,
i can't even help myself, to not think of you.

Going out this few days, i've been always seeing back the things we did,
and things around me kept reminding about you.

From the smallest thing, walking down the street
till the place, where only both of us spent.
I wonder, if you would miss those time, as much as i did now.

it's fading

as time pass by without seeing you
i've been missing you so much,
Deep in my heart, i know i still deeply in love with you..

and yet, why does it feel like you're fading away from me ?

is this even possible ?

I don't know.

do you feel the same to me too ?

i think about you all the time,
do you ?

i wanna see you right now,
do you ?

i wished to give you a hug now,
do you ?

i miss you every second without a-miss,
do you ?

i am so crazy about you,
do you ?

i love you more and more as day pass by,
do you ?

how are you ?

A simple question that i always asked myself
how you've been doing, is what i always think of
but as much as i not want to admit,
it's true that, as far as i am from here
there's nothing much that i can do
except, sprinkling all the words,
where it doesn't help much at times.

I know you're in trouble
I know, you're in need of help
I know, you need a hug
and as much as i know, you needed love

That's just, not something that i'm good enough to give
not good enough, to tell
nor do good enough, to hold on to.

As of now,
i just hope, there will be a better tomorrow,
for you, everday...

i missed you, and...i am deeply in love with you.

closer to you

although i'm as busy as i am
even tho i'm working all the while
i've been always thinking of you
loving you

everything i did
every, single thing i succeded
every moments that passed by,
brings me, a little bit closer to you

i wonder,
when will be the day,
that you be just right beside me.

i miss you

dream ?

it's been awhile since i remember the last time i dreamt
this morning, i woke up with the weirdest dream of all time
a mixture of all kinds of things i knew
a group of people that i've never seen before
a situation, where i could never imagine i could be in.

There's only one thing that remain clear,
the one thing...that i always longed for
the only love that i believe in
the one person, that i love

You're the only person, that i remain in love with.

where i stand ?

it hurt even more
when you realize
you were not needed
as much as being a friend
to the person

you love so much.

pain ?

it hurt
when we want to be there, but we can't
when we need a hug, there's non
when we need help, it doesn't exist
when we wanna do something you want, and yet there's nothing we could do

and it hurt the most

seeing you in pain, when i can't do anything at all.

gliding forward

As day pass without knowing what will happen next
each day, i anticipate a word from you just to make my day
and the day itself isn't complete without you around.

Everyday i have been hoping the best,
and i'm sure i miss you more and more, as day pass by
thinking of you, day after day
i kept reaching for you without fail everyday
just to hope, that you know i'm around.

Tonight is just another night,
under this full lunar moon
from the bottom of my heart
i love you, is the only thing i wanna tell you.

and there i waited

without knowing where i'm heading
without knowing how it will ends

i waited.

staring with blind eye

even tho it's been awhile
that you've been gone from my life
all these days, i've been
thinking of you all the time
never failed to miss you everyday
loving you more and more as time pass by

i wonder
could i really be wrong about my own feelings ?
or, i'm really in love with you.

how fragile ?

it's amazing that how a sentence can change one person life
how a set of word can turn one's world upside down
how a questions, could generate even more questions

i've stop whatever i've been doing
it blew my mind goes blank
while my eye stare blankly at the screen
i stop chatting with everyone for a while
slowly, i walked into my room, on my bed
hugging my pillow tight enough near my chest
closing my eye, and i told myself
this pain, exist...
it's the proof
that i love her

Even in the most heartbreaking moment i've been through
i can't believe, i'm still having such faith
having, such painful thoughts, to keep moving
is this, what other people would wish for as well ?

steps

i've been going, round and round
writing the same thing over, and over again
i guess, it's time, to make a decision
so that i could move on,
so that, i could escape, from this heartbreaking scene
and this is where another question pop up,
at where i am standing now,
should i ?
or, shouldn't i...

fallen

things that happening around me is nothing but unfortunate
fell and hurt the same place over and over again
my leg
it's painful, as if it'll break anytime soon
my heart
shattered all the time, as if it's a broken glasses
i wonder, how long i could keep this up
trying to move on taking with my usual optimistic thoughts
is harder, than usual
when i can't find anyone suitable to talk to
the more i think of this
the more i miss you
the more i need you
the more, i'm afraid to tell you

just to prevent
you to feel the same as me now
when you're in your blue-est mood
where i won't be able to be there
wont be able to help you
wont be able to borrow you my shoulder to cry on
wont, be able to hug you in my arms.

just to be with you

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else.

I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself.

I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart.

I'd rather die with you, than to live without you.

at world's ends

if i were to leave before you; i would made you hate me, so that you wouldn't be sad missing me.
if i were to leave after you; i wont be able to live without you, and my grave would lie next to you.

the snowflakes, that will never melt

the rain has stop
the weather is cool
the mood is blue
the food have gone cold
the waterbottle is empty
internet is loading slow
the work has done
while the songs kept running
in this world of routine
have i really found what i really want ?

i'm always afraid,
if people, not having faith in me
for not knowing, what i really want, and
that they wouldn't understand me.
The things i do, the things i said
there's always no real hidden meaning on it
but they still misunderstand
people, still get me wrong

i never like to explain
i never like giving reasons

even tho there's them whom don't understands me
i still have some, whom always get me even before i say anything
i'm glad, that i knew them
at least, i wont be saying out loud that no one actually understands me
at least, there's a reason to move on,
and at least,it gives me more courage, to love you
and because of you, i found a reason to move on.

just to be with you

I hope whenever you are down, you will think of me;
I hope whenever you are sad, you will think of me;
I hope whenever you are frustrated, you will think of me;

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else.
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself.
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart.
I just want you to know, whenever you need someone to be there,I will always be there for you.
I do not want to be the one who share only your happiness but bare your burden and sadness as well.

No matter how tough the road is, I wish to be by your side, hold your hand and we walk through it together

I just wished to be with you.

tryin to reach for the stars

days like this made me thinks quite a bit
i've been always ok with it
i guess i've been lying all along
for saying i'm fine.

But now, after going through so much of all these
my mood went down
made myself felt even more lonely
made me realize how much i need you
miss you even more
loving you, even more..

I wonder if i should call you now
just to tell how much i need you
how much i miss you
how much i'm in love with you

infuriated..no ?

I'm a person who always control my anger, convert it into positive view and try to accept and live on with it. But sometimes, when there's too many annoying stuff flying around, there's no way i just could keep quiet, and thus, i'll start scolding people, and this is what i've been always doing in forums; Flame wars. But even if i'm at that, i always kept my arguement into as MEAN as possible, as honest as possible and as constructive as poissible. And thus, i'm not ashamed to flame people as much as i want, since..it's the truth.

And now, this few days i've been always in these mood..feeling easy to get agiated, and very easily to start 'scold' people. It's true that my patience has gone low lately, but...doesn't mean people could take advantage when i'm patience all the while.

Weird enough, as much as i tried to not admit, after i was having a quite positive flame war cum discussion with one of my friend about opinions and disagreement. I get even more annoyed and furious as time pass by, my words nearly got as sharp as though it will hurt someone's feeling anytime soon. Just when i want to start another discussion and flamewar againts another person, Guess what, you came right before my eye. Suddenly i felt at ease, peace...calmed, and for all the sudden, i forgot what i was annoyed about and angry previously. Just right when i start talking to you, suddenly i felt i'm myself again, my regain my patience and concious to not being-mean.

Even till now i still ask myself, do i really love you that much till it could make so much different in me just seeing you, talk to you and being with you ? I hope i wont make any mistakes again this time, for not wrong about really falling in love with you. This dream is too real to believe, perhaps...this is the thing that i've been looking for all along, perhaps...you're the only one that i've been wanting to meet all these while. And, the love that i've been always fantasize about just like in fairy tale.

love ?

i hope i could be
the one who brings your spirits up high.
the one that wipes all your tears away.
the one admit you're always right.
the one who stays with you when all the skies are gray.
the one you'll love even when you fight.
the one whois not afraid to keep you out late.
the one who admits that you're always right.
the one that stands up for you and never loses his cool.
the one that's always with you even when you're acting the fool.
the one who'll always hold you tight.
the one that's shy, but still ask you on a date.
the one who'll love you until you die.
the one whose grave lies next to you.

a lovely morning

It's been awhile since i felt so resfreshing when i wake up, usually i'll just wake up and doing the same old things, brush up, wash face, shower, use computer etc etc. But, i wonder if it's the coolness of the rain, or the warmth i felt yesterday night that made me sleep so well..i wonder, if i'm just thinking too much, or i'm still in my own fantasy. Probably i've been wishing to much, until sometimes it felt so real that you're actually besides me.

I'm still unsure when or how should i tell you that i love you, i really do want you to know, but i just couldn't know how to tell. It hurt me so much that if our current relationship will changed to worst if you were to know, and i'm afraid, that it became a reason that you'll not as close to me as last time. I still not can't let go of these feelings yet, probably i just love you so much.

Sellfish isn't it, and as much as i wanted to be with you, it's as much reason as i couldn't be with you. I wonder, if i'm the one you're dreaming of to be with, or probably there's someone else..

can i tell you "I Love you" ?

what are we living for anyway.

Most of the things that we wished for, it rarely happens.

I always believe that every single creature, or living souls do have their own wishes. No matter how small a wish is, it's the best things that could be happen in our life, sadly...it's rarely dream comes true.

Even tho i wished for alot of realistic things, but..it seems that what i hope or wished for, almost never happen to me. It's as tho as i am still believing in fairtytale. So, if things like this aint gonna happen, what are the reason for me to continue for being a happy person anyway~ ?

afraid...

there's this one day where my friend ask me what do i afraid of,
up until now after some serious thinking,
finally i 'think' i knew what i'm afraid of,
it took too long for me to realize,
that there's nothing that i really afraid of,
than to lose you now.
I need you more than anything else,
and as much as i need you,
it's as much as i'm scared of losing you.
I wonder,
if i could really live on now without you.

are you missing me ?

As days passes,
these kind of feelings grow stronger,
whatever i do
wherever i go
i could always feel that you're around
are you missing me ?

Walking along the beach myself, i could barely feel that i'm alone
as i could still feel your scent besides me
as if, you're walking besides me.

Watching movie by myself, i could barely feel that i'm alone
i could feel the warmth of yours besides me
as if, you're right besides me.

Having a meal alone by myself, i could barely feel that i'm alone
i could imagine your face right infront of me
as if, you're sitting so close to me.

Laughing among my friends, i could always remembered your smile
and i could imagine you're smilling somewhere around me
as if, you're always by my side.

I wonder what are you doing right now, in a far away place,
i hope you miss me as much as i do,
cause, i think i'll go crazy soon, for missing you too much.

i miss, those days we makan || trying to write differently

From the day i saw you,
just like any other people
you're just another person to me
a friend, whom
it never once cross my mind
that would reminds myself
of how special you are
that would keep me occupied all time

Until one day
when I couldn’t find anyone
when i'm on my edge
at the same time,
on the verge of
getting too stress of not knowing to go where to makan
giving up on everything
here, a miracle happen
you showed up again
told me where to makan
brighten up my day
bring me for my favourite food
reviving me from
my cravings
my own sorrow.
of not being able to makan.

During that time,
as much as I like to makan
i know i like
to spend more time, and
being with you
as time pass by
without knowing
i realized
how important you are to me
to look for new place, new food
we both set foot
to the place we love to go
out of our own little world
without any hesitation
seeking for our own
beloved food, and found our
reason to smile again


As time passes by
we went to more and more places to makan
for some reasons i can't
seems to understand
seems to figure out
how would I eat so much
why do i have such
a craving for Malaysian food
a weird feelings on you
that wondering how could you know all these places
i can't ignore this feeling
tried to ask you, but fail
tried to throw it away,
it’s still on my mind
it's no use
sometimes,
i just could not for
see how much you know

Get you
to bring me to as many makan place as possible
as, much as i couldn't
resist of ignoring all these delicious food, and kept reminding myself
not to love you
more than these delicious food.

i think about you
as a token of appreciation
every day
I wonder where we should makan again
reminds me of the day
that we first went out makan
we spent our time together
eating all the food we love
doing all sort of things
silly things, sanpat things
i miss you
and I miss those time we learnt so much makan place from each other
every single minute
I could only wonder where else we haven’t go makan
wondering
if we ever run out of place to makan,
what you've been doing.
when we couldn’t contact each other for makan
thinking,
if this faboulous makan day will end
if you might be missing
spending all these days with
me or not

Hopefully,
in my very own fantasy,
we could just continue our makan trip like this, since
i still couldn't bring myself
to think what will happen if you’re not around, I want
to tell you how much
i appreciate the time you spent with me
i love ,
all the food that you brought me to, So,
you
yes you, please don’t dissappear
so,
please do not abandon me yet

In my own dream,
I still want to makan for at least a few more years time
i wished that
my dream will came true
you are thinking of me
as what now ? hopefully
as much as i do
you’re not annoyed with me
will you
continue this journey with me ?
love me
so that could continue bringing me to makan
as much as i do as well ?
I really hope this will never end
i hope, you could
understand what I’m trying to say
be my only one
be my only tourguide
cause
you’re the most fabulous tourguide
i need you
I need your guidance
i miss you
and I really missed those day we hung out together
and i love
those days we spent together
you
yes, you again

may everything,
everything that we could think about
in the first place get noticed