tryin to reach for the stars

days like this made me thinks quite a bit
i've been always ok with it
i guess i've been lying all along
for saying i'm fine.

But now, after going through so much of all these
my mood went down
made myself felt even more lonely
made me realize how much i need you
miss you even more
loving you, even more..

I wonder if i should call you now
just to tell how much i need you
how much i miss you
how much i'm in love with you

infuriated..no ?

I'm a person who always control my anger, convert it into positive view and try to accept and live on with it. But sometimes, when there's too many annoying stuff flying around, there's no way i just could keep quiet, and thus, i'll start scolding people, and this is what i've been always doing in forums; Flame wars. But even if i'm at that, i always kept my arguement into as MEAN as possible, as honest as possible and as constructive as poissible. And thus, i'm not ashamed to flame people as much as i want, since..it's the truth.

And now, this few days i've been always in these mood..feeling easy to get agiated, and very easily to start 'scold' people. It's true that my patience has gone low lately, but...doesn't mean people could take advantage when i'm patience all the while.

Weird enough, as much as i tried to not admit, after i was having a quite positive flame war cum discussion with one of my friend about opinions and disagreement. I get even more annoyed and furious as time pass by, my words nearly got as sharp as though it will hurt someone's feeling anytime soon. Just when i want to start another discussion and flamewar againts another person, Guess what, you came right before my eye. Suddenly i felt at ease, peace...calmed, and for all the sudden, i forgot what i was annoyed about and angry previously. Just right when i start talking to you, suddenly i felt i'm myself again, my regain my patience and concious to not being-mean.

Even till now i still ask myself, do i really love you that much till it could make so much different in me just seeing you, talk to you and being with you ? I hope i wont make any mistakes again this time, for not wrong about really falling in love with you. This dream is too real to believe, perhaps...this is the thing that i've been looking for all along, perhaps...you're the only one that i've been wanting to meet all these while. And, the love that i've been always fantasize about just like in fairy tale.

love ?

i hope i could be
the one who brings your spirits up high.
the one that wipes all your tears away.
the one admit you're always right.
the one who stays with you when all the skies are gray.
the one you'll love even when you fight.
the one whois not afraid to keep you out late.
the one who admits that you're always right.
the one that stands up for you and never loses his cool.
the one that's always with you even when you're acting the fool.
the one who'll always hold you tight.
the one that's shy, but still ask you on a date.
the one who'll love you until you die.
the one whose grave lies next to you.

a lovely morning

It's been awhile since i felt so resfreshing when i wake up, usually i'll just wake up and doing the same old things, brush up, wash face, shower, use computer etc etc. But, i wonder if it's the coolness of the rain, or the warmth i felt yesterday night that made me sleep so well..i wonder, if i'm just thinking too much, or i'm still in my own fantasy. Probably i've been wishing to much, until sometimes it felt so real that you're actually besides me.

I'm still unsure when or how should i tell you that i love you, i really do want you to know, but i just couldn't know how to tell. It hurt me so much that if our current relationship will changed to worst if you were to know, and i'm afraid, that it became a reason that you'll not as close to me as last time. I still not can't let go of these feelings yet, probably i just love you so much.

Sellfish isn't it, and as much as i wanted to be with you, it's as much reason as i couldn't be with you. I wonder, if i'm the one you're dreaming of to be with, or probably there's someone else..

can i tell you "I Love you" ?

what are we living for anyway.

Most of the things that we wished for, it rarely happens.

I always believe that every single creature, or living souls do have their own wishes. No matter how small a wish is, it's the best things that could be happen in our life, sadly...it's rarely dream comes true.

Even tho i wished for alot of realistic things, but..it seems that what i hope or wished for, almost never happen to me. It's as tho as i am still believing in fairtytale. So, if things like this aint gonna happen, what are the reason for me to continue for being a happy person anyway~ ?

afraid...

there's this one day where my friend ask me what do i afraid of,
up until now after some serious thinking,
finally i 'think' i knew what i'm afraid of,
it took too long for me to realize,
that there's nothing that i really afraid of,
than to lose you now.
I need you more than anything else,
and as much as i need you,
it's as much as i'm scared of losing you.
I wonder,
if i could really live on now without you.

are you missing me ?

As days passes,
these kind of feelings grow stronger,
whatever i do
wherever i go
i could always feel that you're around
are you missing me ?

Walking along the beach myself, i could barely feel that i'm alone
as i could still feel your scent besides me
as if, you're walking besides me.

Watching movie by myself, i could barely feel that i'm alone
i could feel the warmth of yours besides me
as if, you're right besides me.

Having a meal alone by myself, i could barely feel that i'm alone
i could imagine your face right infront of me
as if, you're sitting so close to me.

Laughing among my friends, i could always remembered your smile
and i could imagine you're smilling somewhere around me
as if, you're always by my side.

I wonder what are you doing right now, in a far away place,
i hope you miss me as much as i do,
cause, i think i'll go crazy soon, for missing you too much.

i miss, those days we makan || trying to write differently

From the day i saw you,
just like any other people
you're just another person to me
a friend, whom
it never once cross my mind
that would reminds myself
of how special you are
that would keep me occupied all time

Until one day
when I couldn’t find anyone
when i'm on my edge
at the same time,
on the verge of
getting too stress of not knowing to go where to makan
giving up on everything
here, a miracle happen
you showed up again
told me where to makan
brighten up my day
bring me for my favourite food
reviving me from
my cravings
my own sorrow.
of not being able to makan.

During that time,
as much as I like to makan
i know i like
to spend more time, and
being with you
as time pass by
without knowing
i realized
how important you are to me
to look for new place, new food
we both set foot
to the place we love to go
out of our own little world
without any hesitation
seeking for our own
beloved food, and found our
reason to smile again


As time passes by
we went to more and more places to makan
for some reasons i can't
seems to understand
seems to figure out
how would I eat so much
why do i have such
a craving for Malaysian food
a weird feelings on you
that wondering how could you know all these places
i can't ignore this feeling
tried to ask you, but fail
tried to throw it away,
it’s still on my mind
it's no use
sometimes,
i just could not for
see how much you know

Get you
to bring me to as many makan place as possible
as, much as i couldn't
resist of ignoring all these delicious food, and kept reminding myself
not to love you
more than these delicious food.

i think about you
as a token of appreciation
every day
I wonder where we should makan again
reminds me of the day
that we first went out makan
we spent our time together
eating all the food we love
doing all sort of things
silly things, sanpat things
i miss you
and I miss those time we learnt so much makan place from each other
every single minute
I could only wonder where else we haven’t go makan
wondering
if we ever run out of place to makan,
what you've been doing.
when we couldn’t contact each other for makan
thinking,
if this faboulous makan day will end
if you might be missing
spending all these days with
me or not

Hopefully,
in my very own fantasy,
we could just continue our makan trip like this, since
i still couldn't bring myself
to think what will happen if you’re not around, I want
to tell you how much
i appreciate the time you spent with me
i love ,
all the food that you brought me to, So,
you
yes you, please don’t dissappear
so,
please do not abandon me yet

In my own dream,
I still want to makan for at least a few more years time
i wished that
my dream will came true
you are thinking of me
as what now ? hopefully
as much as i do
you’re not annoyed with me
will you
continue this journey with me ?
love me
so that could continue bringing me to makan
as much as i do as well ?
I really hope this will never end
i hope, you could
understand what I’m trying to say
be my only one
be my only tourguide
cause
you’re the most fabulous tourguide
i need you
I need your guidance
i miss you
and I really missed those day we hung out together
and i love
those days we spent together
you
yes, you again

may everything,
everything that we could think about
in the first place get noticed

wishing

Looking at the bright blue sky
it keeps reminding me of your face
which complete with the sweetest smile i've seen

been always wondering
if i were to looking towards the same bright sky
are we missing each other under the lunar moon ?
and wishing under the same bright star ?

For all these while,
i've been always wondering if
i were the one you've been missing ?
am i the one you're in love with ?
is it me whom could actually make you smile ?

i would do anything
to see you again
someday
i wish i could hold you in my arm
saying i love you
and kiss you in the lips.

The winter sky—alone—if you look up, gently
A voice that brushes by tramples down birds
I cried only a little Those ruins grew cold
The mountain road tumbles in winding folds

In that place without seasons, what kind of sky do you see?
It seems that the white flakes here will overflow and disappear
The breeze on the ice that buries an empty heart, never ceasing,
Now even in the snow, like a distant warmth

It vanished suddenly, that tired smiling face, that twisted eye
I realized it’s the strength of a love that can’t be conveyed
Am I a coward, yearning for that moment?

tears...

sometimes,

i wish that i could help you
i wish that i could be there whenever you need me
i wish that i'm needed when you're down
i wish that i could really help
i wish that i could stop the time and fix everything
i wish, that i could stop tears from flowing
i wish that i could say the right things at the right time,
i wish that i could help you up whenever you're down
i wish that i could give you enough courage
i wish that you won't give up
i wish that you wouldn't cry as much as before.

If only i know the answer of everything, if only, i could mend things right,
then, you would be happier.

struggling

trying to sleep in the midst of humid weather for a night ghost like me is definitely not a joke to sleep early. Ended up stayed up for at least 2 hours on my bed doing nothing, and occasionally just thinking of her. Please don't let me late for my appointment tomorrow morning since i got nothing that could wake me up.

for once in this post i decided at first not to write anything about her, i guess my hope will turn into vain since she's the only one i think about all the time.

While this monitor of mine facing me at this kind of hour, i'm really feeling abit blue, lost of what to do...to think about. All i see is just you, probably.. i should take a step ahead so that i could know what to do. Someone, please tell me what to do..a messy post with messy thoughts.

denial~

One of my friend strikes and tell me to not let time heal the wound, stop deny the feelings and waste my own time instead. Thanks =)

When i come to think of it, it's not cause i really denying it, its just that probably not the right time to accept what it is for now. I wasn't ready, wait..if i wasn't now, when will it be ?

For me whom think too much, probably this is my so called judgement or what's best for everyone, since i care too much on the changes around me, i think..i'll just stick to as of now =) And again, it's not cause i''m denying, i'm very sure of it now..it's just that, i wanna make sure everything is fine, and till then, i'm sure i'll be able to accept everything as it is, and people would know what i truly feels.

as always, it's the worst day that could happened to me...i still don't know how long can it be like this, it's been like forever since i feel good luck during this ocsassion, during...the valentine day..

i sprain my foot exactly right before went clubbing, my friends lost her phone when it was under my care previously. The bad news is, i was actually trying to prevent it from going lost by tracking every single of my friends belonging, ended up, it still happened. I miss the girl that i love so much, never in my life i think of someone so deeply, never in my life, i felt so sad for not being able just to see her, not to talk to her..first time in my life, that i found alcohol tasteless, and don't feel like dancing at all. I felt so sorry of my friends to tried to cheer me up but didn't work, cause...i'm really depress. Since the only thing i'm proud of is to avoid all these from happening, but shits does happen. I wonder, if i'm really helpful...

i really don't know how to explain, how i really felt now, depress, and even much depress by knowing abit more when i'm back home reading from the screen, and even more depress, when i know i made so many mistakes, and it's even worst, that these are the things that can be prevented. I wonder, if i could make any difference....at all even if i tried hard enough.

we don't understands.....

deeply looking into your eye,
the kindness, and the gentle face,
i wonder why does it feel so different,
just like a dream, and any other fairy tale,
it's just warmth feeling, love probably.

but sometimes we still don't understand what love, feelings, hate, sad and suffer is,
don't know how, or even understand how to show gentleness

but i still believe, one day
i'll understand,
i'll find,
the eternity, at the love i seek.

come what may...

it's very weird that
people love to celebrate certain occassion once a year
anniversary, new years, christmas, valentine...and so on
for all these while, i had always think all these evens are worth celebrating
except for valentine which i always agree everyday is valentine,
why would people wanna waste more money on flowers during this event ?
having to book early for restaurant
probably there's alot of crowds in certain area

for all these years, i have always believe so.
but for now, i have no idea why
as time getting near to the day itself
the more i think about it, the more i think of what i could actually do for the day
what's the right thing to do ? what is the thing i shouldn't do
sometimes i wonder, am i that confuse what i should do ?

Probably i just doesn't have enough courage yet
probably, i'm just afraid...
but, what am i afraid of anyway...

Happy Valentine, to me..

i need direction..

i'm lost, in this faraway never ending space,
lost, of words,
lost of thoughts, senses

can you give me a direction ?
the direction...to your heart..

you

here i am
resting in the hall
escaping from the internet
doing nothing except
writing down whatever it's on my mind.

you
you
you
you
you
you
you
you.

There's only you.

contented...

it's chinese new year and i'm spending the reunion night alone,
for not even sure what for dinner later,
weird, cause i felt much more better this way,

i was left out without a words,
without any questions, nor do concerns,
sometimes i wonder, what am i really seeking for,
what am i really chasing after,
and what was i expecting,
i really don't know.

it's ok that i'm alone,
it's ok, that i wasn't being paying attention to,
it's ok, if i were just someone who just passing by in your life,
it's ok, that i laugh and cry alone,
it's ok, that i was ignored when i'm not needed,
it's ok, that i couldn't tell how i really feel,
as long as i'm part of your life,
i'm satisfied with it.

there she is..

there's alot of things that can't be put into words
sometimes, we can only tell it by behaviour, personalities,
a hug, a kiss, or even a smile,
as of now, i don't know how to say how i feel,
i'm just glad..at this moment...
glad that i could be around..

if we belong together

At time when i'm lost
gave up on this world, everything
and just when my world starts to fade
you came across my life.

Just because of that,
everything start to change,
flower bloom during winter,
the bitterness of chocolate taste sweeter,
rainbow everywhere even it's sunny day,
during the summer it would seems to snow anytime,
it's...unbelievably beautiful, what my world have becomes when you're just around,
life, has become more meaningful,
the world became more colourful,
just by staying by your side.

It could be a sweetest dream,
if we belong together.

it doesn't seem right..

everything seems abit weird now,
the reason seems to varies from one to another,
i really can't express how i really feel now,
lonelyness the only thing that i know now,
i know, i am not alone
but why do i feel this way ?

there are time that i'm sure to know what to avoid,
but sometimes i just ignore to avoid it,
sometimes people just continue the things that they want,
even tho they knew it might hurt them one day,
is it worth it ? for now, or for then ?
time will tell, and i will wait,
until the day, that i'm sure of my own decision.

just to see you

I could write a million of love notes
sing you a thousand of love song
build you a flower garden,
bring you out for your favourite food
take you to paradise
being with you everyday

just to see your beautiful smile.

helpless...

always
accompanying you
staying by your side
watching over from your side
in the end

there's still nothing i can do.

tears...

it's in the middle of the night and i've been thinking alot of nonsense,
it cannot be explained, nor do can be resolve
in a short moment im just lost of words to say
my mind is blank, and i can't even think of what to do next
even writing down on this post seems to be very random

what am i actually seeking for,
what am i looking for,
what answer am i waiting,
what question am i even wanna ask,
what path, am i really taking

i don't know...i'm lost, i'm not alone but, i felt lonely..
out of the sudden, everything just doesn't seems right,
probably i was just thinking too much,
or probably, i'm just losing my own confidence..

i wonder how long this gonna last,
i wonder, how long i could hold on myself like this,
and i wonder, when will i shattered.

P.S : I Miss You

Sitting again on this big chair right here
i hope you were here right next to me
chatting, joking, laughing together
being able to be so close to you
being able to smell your scent
being able to hold you tight
being able to see your beautiful eye
and being able to kiss you when you're near.

In reality,
i am, sitting alone right here
only think of you
only imagine your existence beside me
only miss you
i'm still alone sitting right here,
and I could only dream, of you being here.

P.S : I missed you~

incomplete, without you

on top of the highest mountain,
sitting on the grass,
with the cooling winds
the sky is blue
with puffs of white clouds
along with the wonderful sunrise
i put a smile on my face
thinking deeply
if i were to see this beautiful view with you
it would be the next best thing happen to me.

will you spend that moment with me ?

far apart

The miles between us separate more than just our hands,
Its bad enough that we’re in different towns,
Its even worse we’re in different lands.

I miss the warm sensation your eyes used to give me,
And the simple touch your hands gave,
But it seems it was not to be.

Now nothing here seems as bright as it used to glow,
But for some reason I still keep on walking,
Though I’m not sure of where I’ll go.
The times just keep on rolling by without even a passing wave,
I keep trying to move on, and i will think of you all day.

my fantasy

in this long journey,
there's meant to be lot's of up and down,
sometimes, we're having the most depressing moment,
and there are times we're having the sweetest dreams.

For this longest journey i have took so far,
i took a long way around,
to find something that i want,
till i found it,
when i came to realize, i missed it.

when come to think of it,
my world, has became more colourful with you around,
the songs, have become more meaningful,
eve the coffee, taste sweeter without sugar.

As much as i want you to be with me forever,
i couldn't bring myself to think of it,
and of now i'll leave in my own fantasy,
dreaming, being with you.

thinking of you...

Sitting here
relaxing my mind, resting
doing nothing, except thinking of you
i tried to ignore these thoughts
games won't work
Tv won't work
Chatting won't work
staying away from the PC and internet won't work
my heart, is a mess
Occasionally, without knowing
i look at your face
just looking at you made my mind stay calm
and my heart in peace just talking to you
it's not easy to not think of you
it's not easy to let you go
Since, i think i might fall for you
without me realizing it.

i'm not...

even until now, i'm still worried,
worried, that you might be lonely,
that you might not be able to eat properly,
being emo-ed easily,
no one there when you cry,
no one being with you when you needed someone..

And even if you think i'm no one to you,
or i'm just another friend of you,
or even if it's just one sided love,
or if it's just me whois hallucinating,
just me whois having the sweetest dream of all these,
without knowing if the ending would be happiness or not,
not cause i need you to hold on to,
but just simply because, just wanna be there for you,
so no matter what happens,
i'll still be there.

the way you are..

i like,

the way you walk,
the way you speak,
the way you sing,
the way you smile,
the way you laugh,
the way you embarassed,
the way you dress up,
the way you look at me,
the way you laugh at my jokes,
how excited you are about something,
how expressive you are,
how impressive you were,
how smart you are,
how caring you are,
how kind you are,
how gentle you are,

i love, the way you are..