i missed you...

for nights i wouldn't usually dream of something
not even nightmare, nor do sweetest dream,
but the best morning that i had,
were to dream of you,
i'm happy with the way it is,
doesn't have to be everyday,
but for this i realize and i can't deny,
that i truely miss you.

deja-vu~ ?

i can feel that you're there, when
i was travelling,
i'm having my favourites meal,
i'm online,
i'm walking on my own,
i'm listening to songs,
i'm having my deserts,
i'm resting beside the beach,
i'm taking a stroll,
i pass by certain places,
i think of what to do next,
i watching movie,
i look upon the stars,
and when i was singing.

i knew..

i've been always around, trying to help as much as i could, no matter in what situation, for most of the time i'm always ready, all ears, and know what to say. Cause i knew, that you're still troubled..

I just couldn't see anyone gotten hurt and helpless again anymore around me, or probably i fell in love with you, i'm not even sure of myself. But the most important is, i would be able to help, when you need help the most.

Meeting you probably it's a fate, becoming your friend...was a choice, but falling in love, is what i had no control , and wished of..

I guess the worst thing is life, is when you have no courage to tell a person how much you love him/her.

how strong can a person be ?

I am always wondering how strong and independent one person is.

People nowadays always says it's ok when they're depress with something, ya...it's easy to weep over a lost love, but how many of them actually treasure what's infront of them ?

Being smart, knowledgable and independent doesn't mean you're strong. A strong person doesn't mean he/she could just solve all kind of problems.

As for me, i'm known as happy-go-lucky person with no worries, laugh around, making cold and lame jokes etc etc, but deep inside me, from what i know, i'm quite a fragile person. I'm very sensitive over whatever people says about me actually, i do care most of my friends comments, and most importantly, there's a certain person's word that i took in the most. In actual fact, i'm easily being emo, broken hearted, depress, and heartbroken.

It's weird that how strong a person from the outside, could be that fragile in the inside.

titleless..

For some reason, i don't feel like doing anything at all, don't feel like going out, eat, think, watch movie...wait, i meant, anything at all including sleep.

I don't even know why, or probably even if i knew, i would pretend that i don't. Weird isn't it, just when there's always a solution there, people often ended up not solving it instead.

Ended up running in circle cause i still denying alot of feelings.

chinese new year ?

everytime when it's until the chinese new year, there's always this weird feeling rushing towards me, stressed, and stress = = lol, i really have no idea why, i just felt this way whenever CnY is near, probably i just hate CnY. For no reason, again.

and so this year, i'll be away from everyone again. Not gonna visit any relatives, not gonna care, not gonna eat any cny foods, and gonna stay out from the heaty sun. Seriously, i've felt better being here than to celebrate cny out there, probably i'm just weird.

right here waiting..

as of now,

here i am, still waiting...

without knowing when i started waiting

without knowing until when i'll be waiting until.

all i know is,

the world is less colourful without you around.

mysterious universe

this mysterious little thing tells lot's of stories,
it has lot's of different colours,
non of it tell the same stories,
no one actually realize it much,
not everyone could tell what stories it has,
nor do they pay attention to it,
and it's often being missed out,

there's only one that i realized,
that could really make me lost my breath
it's so beautiful,
till it'll just pull me in,
i do know what stories it has,
and now, i think i'm gonna missed it.
Your beautiful eye that is.

It's closer, than you think

it's weird to think that, people took forever to find their soul mates
wondering who could be their love ones
and thinking of who could be their forever love.

but,
there's alot of people, who still confuse of if the person their with, are they really the one ?
sometimes we wonder, how long will the 'love' last for,
and thinking if they have made a mistakes.

Sometimes, we spend too much time looking for the love of your life
ended up getting heartbroken, emo and frustrated.
But as you slow down, relax and take things easy as they come by naturally
then only you realize
they've been just right infront of you.

as of now, i could just smile to everyone as i could, laugh as much as i can.
but when i first saw you ,
my heart took over, and smile for the first time,

and if you think that no one cared for you in your life,
probably cause i'm not in this world anymore.

i do it for you..

I do all these things,
not because i love you,
not because i wanna have your attention,
not cause i like you,
not cause i wanna get near you,
not cause of i got nothing better to do,
not cause i wanna impress you
nor do i asking for something in return.

but just simply,
because i wanted to do something for you,
to being a part of your life,
just to be remembered,
that i have once crossed your life.

impressed ?

there's alot of way we could help people, but there are times where we just wouldn't want people know after we help them. Hmm, let's just says that, sometimes, the intention is to impress, but sometimes, we just wanted to help, without anyone else knowing.

I don't know why, i rather people not knowing, than to know what i've done. It doesn't matter whether people are impressed or not, as long as i'm happy the way i are, then i'm satisfied, weird isn't it =/

the worst case scenario...

and so, at most it'll be bad, at it's worst, it'll be the worst...but, i'm ready for it. Cause, no matter how it end up, the colour of my world will still remain.

weird, isn't it...

it's 430am in the morning and i'm still wide awake. Don't know why, it's been weeks, or even months i've been like this, having sleepless night while thinking too much.

Ignoring my thoughts won't help, trying to distract myself by walking outside during this time won't help, driving around the city and town will make me think even more., futher more i can't even belive i could just drive out an hour ++ just to get somewhere and relax, and guess what, it won't help either, since i've been thinking even more when i'm on ma way back.

I really don't know what to do anymore, it's not cause...i'm not sure what i what, but...in actual fact i don't even know whats wrong with me. Have been thinking alot, too much on alot of things, especially when it's about people, the problem starts.

But luckily, i'm still be able to take all these, mentally. Not sure about physically tho. Since, i only had 2 ~ 4 hours sleep per day, for weeks. Hopefully one day, there's a reason that will drag me out from this mysery.

and again, i'm confuse....confuse of things, that i'm not even sure what is it, weird isn't it.

how hard, can it be...

come to think of it, it's so easy to chase after something, just look at one direction, think of it, chasing after it. It's just like how people have a dream and move towards their dream, or...a girl that they loved while they thought of so many things to do to chase after them, just to get closer and be with them.

But in relationship of feelings, it's hard when you're trying to maintain a distance, just to avoid being too close. Not to mentioned, it's even harder when you knew the possibilities of not being happy for long when you're too close to someone that you like.

I remember there was once, or all the time says that, if you like or love some one, it doesnt mean you have to be in relationship with them, or married to the person. But as of now, after all these year i finally knew how it really felt when one's is determined to not be with someone that they have feelings on it, especially..when you're not sure whether you're in love, or not.

Well, i guess as for now people should just give their best all they can to just care of the person they cared the most, as of now, i'll just treasure, care, love, and stay by her side, with a smile, with no regrets.

unavoidable

there are things that we can't avoid, no matter how properly it was planned out, over and over again, getting ready for the issue that might arise and etc etc, sometimes..things will just get out of the hand and it's just went haywire, just like that. And the worst part is, it ended up didn't go well, or at worst it's a failure. Stupid isn't it tho it's already been planned long ago to prevent all these, and accident still happened.

it happen very often to my life as well, since...for almost everything i do, i do plan out, even tho it's last minute, i'll always think of sub-plans and possibilities of this and that, but hey...it does help out alot, 80% of the time the plans carried out just fine, but there are times it's just plain failure. But, life isn't perfect anyway, isn't it. We'll just hav to like the way we are, treasure everything that happened around us,learn from it, and most important thing is, to not give up =P

so who are you..

there are times that people will just talk whatever they want, blurt out all kind of jokes, nonsense, sometimes, they made the best joker in the world, but sometimes, they're the best sealed lips around.

as for me, i don't even know what kind of person i am. There are times that i just have so many things to say, to talk about, and to joke about. But for most of the time, i rather be quiet. Well, it's not that i don't like to socialize, it's just that i'm used to not socialize. Let's just say that, i am..who i am. And if i'm sad, it can't be seen, and if i'm happy. It's not easy to be know as well.

And so for today, i'm just glad =)

things that can change one persons life...

if you ask me what is it, the only thing that i could think of is this blog. I don't know, i just 'assume' that it might change the life of people whom read this blog, there will be alot of misunderstood, alot of explaination. But trust me, this blog is only meant for myself...to remember what i've learnt. To remember, what i've been through.

and for everyone who think you've been mentioned in this blog. Please don't think about it, it won't do you any good =) I guess, i am..ready to let people read what i really felt, all these while..

stressed ?

i don't know why, my head is so heavy today that i don't have mood to do anything at all, except writing about it here. I really don't know, the other day only i had this kind of feeling, stressed, depressed up for no reason.

anyway, i just learnt how to differentiate between "good feelings", and "love feelings"..well, can't really explain it in english, what i'm tryin to say is, they're not the same. I guess the reason why i'm so lost last time, is cause i don't know the difference. 感觉，不是爱情.

And thanks to myself for realizing this, my problems stacks up. How many of them that i actually have feelings(感觉) on them, and how many, that i actually love them. I really don't know.

But as of now, i'm afraid...afraid that i would made the same old mistake again, that i rather kept it to myself, and let it be as it is. Feelings or love, i'll just let it move on as it's suppose to be, not gonna change it, and not gonna take any chances to fall in love.

for someone like me, since i hate making someone hurts, i rather, not to start it. I rather not to have it, so that i don't have to bear the sadness of making them hurt anymore. For instance, i don't think i have the courage anymore to be with anyone in relationship, since...i really do not want to hurt them or make them cry. I rather choose to be alone, in the end.

there's always me..

when you're scared or afraid. Don't worry, i'll hold on to you, everything will be okay, don't ..cause, i'm here with you.

to be..or not to be.

for some reason, i have this feeling starting to persuade me to get dissappear again, considering all these kind of things that have been happening around, i really just wanna run away and avoid whatever possible means disaster or heartbreaking case to me.

respect please

for people who do not respect their parents, you're so screwed. Seriously, people should always watch their words and action when they're treating their parents. Loud is already un-acceptable, i can't believe there are still people doing more than just shouting at their parents. I really, start to hate, or derespect people like these....

up until now..

Until now i still can't find anyone who is suitable to read my blog. I've been dying to share my feelings with someone all these while, at least one person...in the life that i knew..but, finding this one person is so hard. Sometimes, it's just not the right time for them to read, sometimes, it's just not appropriate, and most of the time, things..will definitely change when they read this.

i felt.

wanted. *smiles*

ladies..please~

i've been writing damn alot lately, of the same thing with just a little bit different in the post..HahahAha..

As of now, i seriously confuse with what ladies really thinking. Not cause they're....confusing or complicated, it's just that, things changes too fast, and people thoughts keep changing....till i also can't keep up...

and so, girls..ladies..please...stay where you are and stop running around please -_- i damn tired already

why ?

people nowadays are too common, they think too much that ended up making things way too complicated, while there are people, who made it too simple till everyone misunderstood. I think, i'm too simple of being complicated. Strange huh..

as of me, i think the most important thing in life is that, for being honest and not regret. It's easy to say being honest, but it's not easy to carry out, trust me..most of the time people will think it's stupid, ashamed, bla bla bla nonsense when u're honest, and for all the time, people tend to lie to themself, to protect their own stands.

now, i finally knew what i really want..which is, still the same...to being there for people, just beside them, all ears, listen...acknowledge, help them..and solve problems. I don't care if i'm in trouble, as long as i could be there to help and given a thanks, i'm happy with these kind of life.

I'm not the kind of person, who know how to express my own feelings well, but at least, i know what i want, things that i decide, is the thing i decided, usually there won't be 2nd thought unless necessary. There are times that people think i'm idiotic, stupid, too confident and, wait..what's that word..hmm...anyway, all these while i'm just telling out whatever i think, and again, being honest lar, if i say no means no, if i say yes means yes. If i tell something while laughing means i'm joking, if i'm dead serious face means i'm serious la. C'mon, how hard is it to take an answer from someone when u ask a question, i know la that's not the answer you want, but doesn't mean you can just dis-acknowledge it one ma. If u're not ready for all kind of possible answer, then DON'T ASK LAR !

As time pass by, people tend to feel more of what they call, urgency. Sometimes, we do not know what's most important thing until the last minute, or after the event. And it's normal for everyone to do so cause, we're people with feelings, feelings that will bring us to wherever we should go when we're lost. Trust me, the overatted one are called love and hate. Your life will still move on no matter what, just decide la what you really want and move on, even tho there are times that we made difficult decision, we still have to decide, and as long as you enjoy it without regret, you're good =P

And so i say, i miss you as time pass by...it's just as simple as it sound...

weird...

sometimes, i found it quite amusing that, when everyone is enjoying something, i'm the only one who has been left out and having the opposite. But, eventually i will think I DO enjoy it cause of everyone's influence.

So now, before i was brainwashed again, i really wanna pen-down about this, no...i didn't..and i think, i wouldn't go to that place anymore...

i lied..

in actual fact, this was the saddest night i am for all these while, for some reason, i can't stop the tears from coming out when i was driving home, i tried to control it while i was driving as slow as i can, it seems that..there's time where you can't lie about your true feelings, no matter how much you wanna avoid it, when it's there, it is there... this is what happened, when you didn't drink enough.

i really don't know what to do anymore, i am really confuse, and giving up at the very same time, i don't even know what i should do, or what should i do in this kind of situation, for what's best for myself, or what's best for other people, i really dont' know.

But as of now, i think the best thing i could do is just sit silently as what i've been doing all the while, and let another that i loved once slipped away just like that, it's hard for me to forget my first love, and i bet it will definitely be long for this current one.

At this point of time, i really do agree that, there are times that even tho the one that we love the most, are the one that we won't be able to be with. It was so saddening till i nearly started something i banned long ago, but of course it wont happen. And i think it's the same goes to my feelings right now, it..will...never happen..

heart broken, tears had been shred....but, it's all just me...myself, as long as i kept it to myself, no one would be trouble, confused, or having problems when it's just me..who takes all these pain...

i know..there were time that we should let the people know of that we love them, but in actual fact of mine, it's better....that...they do not know....i love you, but...i really do not have the courage to tell you, and yes....i admit i'm a loser or shy-guy or whatsoever, and.. i shall take all these pain and tears with me...

and again, even tho everyone having a good time, no..i am not, at all..not even a little...

ending this post, with tears, dissapointment of myself..heartbroken, and, sadness...

from the bottom of ma heart

and yes, i missed you

i realize...

there are times that i was only thinking of you
early in the morning after waking up
turning on msn
during lunch hour
evening dinner time
before bedtime
driving alone

i'm happy that i knew you
i'm happy, that i fell for you
even tho it's just a short period
or maybe, it's just myself
i think of you more than anything else
but all these will be kept with me
learning how to love
but not to be with her
this is what always happen
when you're in love with someone
and you knew there isn't any chance
reality, and straight forward
i accepted it since long ago
but it's still hard to accept it
i don't know what's wrong with me
eiher i lost confidence
or i just lost hope
the fallenAngel will still exist
as long as these emotion are around
i never wish for my own happiness
i never, even wish for what i want
all i wish
is your own future
the future, that you ever want
and the happiness, where you wished for
and so i say
there's nothing more i could do or say
or even there's no thoughts of being together
i just wished for your own dream, to became true
and that's so
i will be happy for it.

it hurts

to see you like this....and what's more there's nothing much that i could do, and furthermore, i'm very sure there isn't anything that i can actually do. I guess, i'll just go on with this kind of life, together with these kind of emotions for quite..awhile..it's been years i felt this way, from very often, to sometimes, to nearly dissappear, and now it came again, and everyday....there's a crack, where it just get bigger, and deeper. I really wonder when, i could just stop crying and smilling at the same time..

how big it is...

and so this small planet we're staying on is not that big anyway, if you look bigger, into the stars, the universe, milky way etc etc, i always ended up hours and hours trying to figure out how big this universe is actually, and how small one person existance is. And at most of the time, i gotten a chill when i reach at a point, i got scared....lost...cause, there's no answer at all, who knows the whole freaking universe is just as small as the smallest thing that even our eye can't seen. Freaky huh..

and so i start to think how big my existence is, yes, HOW BIG ! sometimes i always wonder how much i was really needed, even if it's just a small group of people, i always think...what will happen when one day i didn't even exist, will things change ? will it be the same ? and..does it really matter even if i'm around..

and so as of now, for what i felt is that, my existence is so small that, i'm only needed when i am needed, and as long as they found something else, i'm always being thrown aside. That's, the thought of life that i'm having, and i guess that what makes me not afraid of anything, including deaths.

Not only i lost my dream, not only..i lost my way, my loved one, and also whatever that i wished for, it never came true. I always thought and wished that, since i'm the caused of everything, so maybe i can choose my own ending and path, but everything seems to end in a quite bad, or worst. Probably im just too young to think of all these, but....how long will this be until ?

so what did you say ?

today a friend of mine told me an interesting story of how a person act after breaking up in their relationship. And so i thought, well...let's say it doesn't matter whois at fault for breaking up, what are the norms that people would react towards their ex's ?

there are people who miraculously just don't care or pretend that they don't know their ex's, wait..i'll call them oldvege for easier to read. It's like, they try to think they're not related, doesnt' matter, all kind of nonsense that can keep them far away from their thoughts of once related with their oldvege. But in the end of the day, who are you kidding anyway ?

Sometimes i really wonder, how hard is it just to forgive and forget after a few days, weeks or even months sulking over the small reason of yours, you might get dump and hate that person, or...you dump a person and you still hate him/her, so what's the point here ? You're still moving on with your life anyway, why would someone be so negative over small thing, and instead of having a solution, they try to avoid it instead ? C'mon people, you can't avoid all these thing all the while, like ma like lor, love ma love lor, fail ma fail lor, shy ma shy lor, how hard is it to admit your own true feelings anyway ?

And so i say, if you wanna pick up a gun, make sure you're ready to face the consequences when you're holding it, and while you threw it away. And it's true that people say, you get together when you felt like it, loved. But when it get messy, you start to doubt. People, peoples....

end of the road..

at a point where no one can be there when you need them
where things seems to be meaningless, everything seems to be out of touch, and even writing a blog seems pointless
i don't know what has gotten into me
where the time that i need someone to be there, i refused
there are people whom care for me
there are people who really wanna be there for me
there are still people whom still waiting for me
but still
at this point of time, nothing, and no one seems to, or will make any difference
i don't know
if i have given up on this world..

argh

my head is heavy, my mind is confused, and my thoughts is a mix.
seriously, i myself have no idea why am i so stressed, love ? friendship ? money ? family ? non of it seems to be not related, it's just that all the sudden i was like this, not headache, with no apparent reason, i am so damn stressed out.

i drive at 40 ~ 60km/h, i off all the sounds, can't listen to songs, its' like i'll go crazy if i'm around or among the crowds. please, whatever it is, help me..wait, probably...i just need a hug...zzz..i really don't know..

emotion disturbance...

i've been thru alot of emotional disturbance laterly, disorder and also alot of confusion.

i'll skip the detail, what i'm trying to say is...i've been acting quite abit of sensitive lately over every little single detail that people are saying, even tho sometimes, most of the time it appear to be no meaning or no harm, but still...i still don't understand why i myself would go and think of a smallest probability out of something which could be nothing. Who am i kidding anyway..

so....how big is my existance ?

Even up until this moment where i am chatting happily on msn, i wonder, AT ALL TIMES on how small my existance were. There are alot of times that i were only being called when i'm needed at certain time, which usually seasonal, and not something which is cause they want to see me or whatever. Seriously put, how hard is it to say "Thank You" after asking a favour or help from someone ? i'm not saying that every single thing you should say it or appreciate me like a king of whatsoever, but you know what, these things..it build up...as time pass by and you start to get used to taking things for granted, and then you start forgeting how important some existance were until they dissappear..WAAAiiiitdaaaminute...there are chance, that i weren't even remember even if i were to dissappear..probably..

emo ?

with so many things happening around
so many saddness, happiness revolving around
but with no good things happening around me.
Watching and remember back the show, saying there is no happy ending in reality
sometimes, the happy ones are those that we should create our own
something, that we shouldn't ignore, something that only we ourself can end it ourself.

But, at this point of time and event, the ending is definitely sad one
miracle, fairytale..non of it happily ever after gonna happen
non of it will even appear or even remembered
cause
there are always no happy ending.

so...what is it for..

i come home realizing there are much more than meets the eye
sometimes, you just can't let go the thing you care so much
sometimes, you just can't forgot what's most dear for you
sometimes, you just ignore and don't know what's best around you
sometimes, you just....don't know..

well as for me, i am quite sure what is important for me at this moment
because of who i am now, that's why i have a clearer view of what i wanna do
who i really wanna be with, why am i not with them
there are more reason for me to be alone, than to be with anyone else at all..
trust me
i'm sadder with the way i am now
and i'm happier as well..

is it me ?

is it me or you have been acting kind of weird lately
sometimes you just didn't pay attention
sometimes you don't feel like talking much
there are times when you just felt like doing whatever you wanna do
and to ignore everything else happening around you
so, does whatever shit happen around you not important anymore ?
or you just think you're the only one having the hard time
i seriously wanna know
what your heart truly tells you
and what you really wanna do.

#101

Sometimes i wonder, how significant my existance can be
who am i to you
who am i to him
who am i to this, that...bla bla bla
i won't made the same mistake again
falling in love the same way
going back the same path
and have a chance that history might repeat
everyday the only thing that i can do is
to watch over people dear to me getting hurt
people getting tear apart
being helpless
and sometimes, i just can't do anything.

Just imagine how strong it is
for someone to love someone
when everything else doesn't matter
and to missed out most of the important besides that
i know what position i am
i know who i am to you
i knew i might just be a decoy
or maybe i'm just someone u need when u're down
and of course i know what i should do
and even if you don't know or understand
or maybe even think i might be misunderstood or whatsoever
don't worry
cause no matter what happen, i'm still me..i'll just be there in the shadow
become just like a left hand
where no one will know i exist, helping in the shadow
just like what i've been always do before i seek for my own relationship
just when i called myself fallenangel
i really hope nothing more for myself
than to you
to everyone
of your own happiness
this is my New Year Wished that i wished for
when i'm at singapore
that i would rather sacrifice my own dream,
to wish for your dream came true
and i wont be as greedy as last time
to ask for more
than just to see you smile.

even tho it has reached 101 post
i am still deciding whether i should start let people read about this
or maybe
i should just keep this
until.....things get better and calmed...

i called out...

in my dream...
i called out your name
searching for you
tried so hard to reach for you
hug you whenever i can
give you a kiss
saying out loud i love you

that's when i realize how much you meant to me.
But all those i can only do it in my dream

but in reality
silently, alone...loving you from my own side
i can't exactly tell you how i feel
i can't tell you i love you
there will not be happiness
there will be no happy ending
i wonder
if there will be a day for us both
to be together
i doubt it
since the clock is ticking
and the time is ending
until the day we say goodbye
i just wanna be with you

i know..
it will never happen

Happy ? New Year ?

A new year for me started of with a badly high fever. Can say my dreams came true cause i wanted to sick on behalf of other people. So that i remember how to feels to be sick, and remember how to take care of my own so that i could take care of them when they sick in the future..

But still, doesn't mean it's the end. Fever at around 11AM++ on 1st January, went back down to KL around 9++ and can't sleep till now, that's a whopping 25 hours of non sleeping. Had nightmare and wake up almost every hour till now, and don't even know why i can't sleep at all. Headache damn bad now and really like wanna die. Please help me~