so this is how it feels..

so this is how it feels,

when you wait
when you hav no answer
when you left a space
when it's empty
when it's not perfect
when the stars doesn't look attractive anymore
when the day not as bright as it should be
when there's so much possibilities
when there's only sadness
when there's only dissapointment
when there's just emptiness
when nothing else matters
when nothing can be compared
when nothing is more important
when nothing can be felt
when some hope is still there
when some ppl just don't get it
when every one else doens't matter anymore
when every thing seems to be meaningless
when every food seems tasteless
when every movie isn't as nice as it is
when every moment isn't precious

feel like...totally meaningless and lifeless without you. Hope this feeling will go away with the current year.

there's no answer...

i think the biggest problem that i have right now is having to think of too many possibilities and having no answer at all. I need to put a full stop on all these, as soon as i was able to....

Crap...

Crap, i think i need to make a decision now..that it's impossible to get a happy ending.

Seriously, i really don't know when this gonna end if continue like this, tearing my own heart day after day like that...in actual fact, i really hate making myself deciding the most important thing in my life. Cause, the effect is too much for everyone around me.

Went for a movie just now, suppose to be a great movie but turn out quite boring cause not used to watch with other people than you. I can't even concentrate or laugh properly. But, i seriously do not want to admit this...cause, it's even more painful if i do...aih..what should i do now, crap..

I just realize..

It's not that big of deal anyway, it' just me....

new year eve..

New year eve is near..very near, and seems like everything doesn't goes the way i wanted to be. So many people are not free during the eve for the party, that's like 100% of the people what i want, cannot make it to the party. Well, not exactly all...but still..

So this is how it feels when you wanna spent the night with the one you love, but you can't. I really do not know what to say anymore, down on earth and mood, doesn't feel like doing anything at all, doesnt' feel like moving forward, eating or whatsoever, and feel like giving up everything now and just die. Seriously..

it shouldn't be this way

Felt worried, heartbroken...and confusing. Seriously, my tears breaking out when i keep thinking of all these. I don't even know i'm caring of a girl so much right now, i'm not sure whether it's everyone, or just her. This, is not suppose to be happening..i really do not know anymore...please help me, help her, help everyone around me. It's not easy to please everyone while you're in control of yourself, not to mentioned, now i'm not in control of my own emotion. I really wanna be there with you, but i can't. It hurts when there's so many thing you wanna do, but you can't do it. Heart tearing apart like i never felt it before.

Please, get well soon..

weird..

Sometimes you get this feeling that, once the certain person is not around, you wouldn't wanna continue do something. As of now i don't feel like doing something cause the person that i expected to be at, will not be there...why is this coming to me again, but...i guess it won't have much impact...cause, this is what friends are =)Everything goes weirded and haywire when suddenly everything doesn't follow the flow. Weird huh~

a letter to santa

Dear Santa,

Another year has come and weird enough, i only write this letter once a year where i wish for something when i didn't even take the initiative to write just to say hie other than Christmas. Pathetic huh, people only talk when they wish for something.

For Christmas this year, i do not wish for anything fancy such as bravia's, sports cars, bla bla bla...what i wished for this year is, please take away my tears, it's the only thing that preventing me from ejoying in this festive session.

Thank you Santa.
NicChan

Where sadness and depressions meets no end..

The nearer it is to any festive session, the more i felt depress over whatever that has happened recently for the past few months. Seriously continue like this i can't even hide anymore of what and whom i am.

Of all what had happened, i seriously have no feel or mood at all to celebrate any festive, Christmas, New Year...not ethusiast enough to even think of going out. Not to mention it'll reminds me of alot of thing, but i'm sure she'll be fine.

Guess what, even it's just another 3 hours ++ more to the actual christmas day, i actually wanted to sleep at home rather than going out. I guess, the best time i could cry about this is when i shower. And as always, no many people would know when i'm actually moody or sad.

I really....wanna cry out loud... =(

Best buddy ?

Up until now, i seriously do not know how to differentiate all of them, i tried so hard catergorized them so that i wont messed them up. But up until now, it's pointless if they didn't think the same way as you do.

Long before, i treated everyone the same, as good as i can be, and the best i can for all of them. No matter in what situation, they are the best mate or friends i wanna be with, either guys or girls. But since there's alot of problem treating the same for everyone, like misunderstanding and all. I started to change. Exactly, who i am in the past few year, wasn't the way i am. The real me, is the one who everyone hate, the one whom everyone loves as well, and the one whois nothing at all. Im just like someone who just walk in, and walk out for a moment in everyone's life.

2 kind of best buddy that i can see now is :

- Best buddy of all time.
In this catergory, these kind of friends are those u share ur sadness, sorrow...chat around and hit around almost everyday. Wait, did i mention yamcha and hang out also ? no matter guys or gurls, they are the best mate that u can go out with, EVEN tho their favours was unfortunately gone to u, get married or whatsoever reason that it might trigger them to hate u. But, they didn't. That's the best mate you could find. And seriously, having one of these kind of friends is more than enough. And apparently, i don't have such friends..Until now..sadly...huh..i guess that's why people felt lonely..

- Best buddy
Again, they are those whom u hang out with, ignore u when they felt like it or dissapointed with u, doesn't ask much question about whatsoever and just assuming. BUT they still hang out with u and like nothing. But deep in their heart, they are not exactly happy with u. These kind of best buddy will most of the time be with u when u need them, conditionally of course.

My Mind is clear..

Yes, i know what i've been doing, and i'm sure 99% of the people around me would wrongly assume as always, and also..you won't know anything, unless you asked. I've been asking alot of questions, but do u ?

I wonder....

Well, from my point of view, i was actually glad that we didn't got seperated because we don't love each other, rather...there's just some complication and all. But it's true that i'm not fit into any relationship at all for the moment. The path that i'm taking is still a long, blurry one.

Been spending alot of time with my deary friends. Ya, it's not that i do not think of other people's feeling, i do care okay. Just that different people got different kind of way to interpret something...it's just that i do not care what other people says.

And again, thanks for always being there for me =)

Emo ?

Haha, again...and ..again..seriously, if you're dissapointed. How do i really feel ?

I've been always wondering, how could someone who have not being in War, will tell his experience of what War is about. Sometimes, if you do not know the whole situation, please do not assume so much before even telling someone else. U think u're that smart now ? please...u're just making urself look like a fool~

Where am i again...

The year of 2008 is coming to an end. Thinking back what i did for the whole year, wait..i can't even remember exactly what happened to the whole year. I don't even know if i'm really happy or sad throughout these time. People says that im a happy go lucky guy, not afraid of anything at all, accept challenges and willing to fall. But in actual fact, i'm not really happy...at least until now...i don't like the way i am, even until now, i hate the fact that i'm known as a lovable and talkactive person. If u ask me what i really want, i can't really tell..Cause, i'm not even sure of it myself. Please, something, someone..just...remind me of who i am, even tho just a little...i really wanna know who i am...who i really were...

Titleless..

Sometimes, it's so easy to predict until it was wrongly assumed. Funny huh..

That's not true..

Trust me..i worried more things than what you people expect and think of. And of course, there won't be any childish thinking and unhappiness just because of that small matter.

Additionally, im not going after anyone..ANYONE at all at the moment. For those who think i am. Sorry to dissappoint you guys. For those who think i am, probably i do think of that.

Things that not telling out...

There's alot of thing in mind that i don't feel like telling to other people, not cause i'm shy or whatever, I JUST don't felt like it.

1. I 'love' you even more after reading those =) Don't worry my dear, i'll be one of the people who won't laugh at you during those time. No matter how also, u're one of my dear closest friend. Tho other people wouldn't care and find it doesn't make sense.

2. I know you're Emo, even tho i am..doesn't mean advantage can be taken. I will be there, tho im just someone normal.

3. I don't know what i am to you, but i won't blacklist you.

4. I care and asked so much doesn't fall any further than we're just friends.

5. Trust me, i'm not going after you.

6. And you

7. Laughing at someone's mistake is not funny, but..laughing doesn't means it's funny.

If...

If you think i'm inlove with anyone of you..then, you're wrong..

Fallen Angel

Fallen Angel
F ailure in keeping my love one always happen in my life
A nything happen is all my faultI hate to admit. But, it is...
L onglasting love will never appear to me
L ife for me is so hard, dull and meaningless
E ven the road i am walking is full of excitment
N ever ever want to think of my future to seek for another love

A nticipation for my love one to come back to me?
N ever will happen to me
G ive or Take?
E ternity love?.....Can you believe that?
L ove...i hope it's still exist..

Decided..

Today, i have decided...

One of the Phobia~

Been making alot of enemies on alot of things i've done, what i've said, performed, and especially when in games.

I still remember the first game i play, Ez2Dancer, i made alot of enemy by outperformed them BY alot, imagine playing a hard song that ppl can't even pass, i can perfect it with hidden mode. Especially during that time there's alot of guy who think they are the best, but beaten up by me..in game. How ironic when i never intend to show off or anything, but..people just don't get it. Same thing happen to PopNMusic, RockFever, Ez2DJ, KingOfFighter, TimeCrisis, ParaPara (-_- damn), the Machine to Win Toy (Ya, i get 2 HUGE toy for RM1 only last time), and certain marvel games. Because of all these, i only target to have fun more than to be the best.

The same things happen continuesly till RO time, O2Jam, ESPECIALLY MapleStory (Where i argued with Singaporeans all the day just because they think i hack, and i quit cause i can't stand them), continuing to Various Online game until now (Cabal, which is the last).

Because of all these, i've began to afraid, and start to avoid playing multiplayer with other people. I really don't know why, cause..i just wanna have fun..and no other meaning. Please forgive me if i offended anyway of u guys, cause..i really don't mean it.

lost...in my own darkness..

A situation that i tried to avoid all time, down syndrome, depression and emo...Everything doesn't work out very well lately, most of the things around me doesn't really favour me. If i tried to be optimistic now, it means i am avoiding the reality.

Tears reminds me of when you need to talk to someone the most, are the time where there are no one you can talk to. I have friends, but i still feel alone. Almost lonely after all these. Sometimes i really wonder, if i really worth mentioning in people's life.

Feeling this way seriously is not what i wanted, it's hard to avoid, and i can't sleep. I really don't know what i should do now. Totally emotionless.

NO, i don't know..

Suprisingly, this kind of turn of event never came into my mind that it will happen. Ya, i rethink about what you said, it's exactly how i feel as well. But, it's abit too strange when people don't even wanna talk and discuss about it before they come to a conclusion...just like that to end the road just because of what you think ? It's probably sounds like my fault again for not doing my part, for me whom didn't do what i was suppose to do. At the same time, wait..at the end of the day, it was still my fault.. what about, putting into my shoes and think of what i really want instead ? all these while, people have been thinking what they want, this..that..its all about them them them them them..i don't believe that girls need security and pamperness only, everything, that has feeling need all of those, including caring as well. And again, i really do not know...what you think i know.. This post will stay even private incase, whatever i wrote to myself change ur mind again not because of what you decided..





Anyway, at this point of time, i'm glad that you can walk properly and go out again. Sorry cause, there's no way that i could take care of you, nor do i could be with anyone at this moment right now. Hope, you will find your true happiness.

And i do not know when you gotten better, when you start going out, where you went except staying at home rest, what you were doing at home when you're not online. No, i dont..

Worried

Out of a suddenly, there's so many things i need to worried about...for the night..

I just realize, there's alot of respect going on around the internet depending on how much u edited a picture, expression on articles, the font that you use, colours, and also the design itself. Thanks to whoever contributed~

I am confuse..

Confuse, not knowing what i really wanna do...as of now, i can't even figure out why am i feeling weird.

Why does it have to be the lense ?

Sometimes i wonder, why does it have to be the lense which create a nice image ? I really dislike and hate ppl saying those words instead of giving a constructive comments on a picture.

Why does it have to be the lense ?

Sometimes i wonder, why does it have to be the lense which create a nice image ? I really dislike and hate ppl saying those words instead of giving a constructive comments on a picture.

Do people really realize ?

Do people realize things that you've done actually carries meaning ? sometimes, people would just dive into their own thoughts, their own reasoning when they judge on someone else action. I mean, if the person who is doing it, instead of thinking and assume "what is usually" meant, why not sometimes, try putting yourself i other's shoes and think whether if it's not actually what you think it means.

I nearly gave up on caring for all these friends, nearly became someone who hated to being hated, nearly...lost myself there. But, no matter how it is, you people will still be my friends. It's true, i am angry at times, it's true that i am speechless at time, but...it never last longer than a minute. So please, give yourself a chance...

Why do you find them ?

And again, i always wonder...sometimes, do everyone knows what's important, and what matter the most in a conversation between friends. Do you ONLY call them when you need them ? and throw them away when you had the things you wished for ? Or, do you think they are a spare tyre in your bonet that you can rely on when you need it, and you dont check it when You dont need it.

It's been awhile since i got mad at something, seriously...if you do not take someone's word seriously enough to give a reply, i think...you shouldn't expect someone to answer your questions, what's the point of asking so much when you don't even care about the answer, or you do not wish to know the answer ?

People will have all kind of reasoning when it comes to complaints, and yet they never know when to appreciate things that happen around them. Wait, you might think "I do appreciate", but...do you really think so ? I wonder..

You may avoid the mirror and lie to yourself about something, but your friends will be a mirror that you can never avoid, if they choose to lie, nor do tell the truth.

Am i that annoying ?

Sometimes i really wonder, is it that coincidence that people just went off halfway when i talking to them ? or, they just find out that i am annoying. I wouldn't wanna think of all these...

I am not alone, but i felt lonely..

Sometimes i wonder why do i have this feeling, im very sure that i was just thinking too much..but, i just can't get this off my mind. There are times that, i felt so lonely, that i feels that no one like me in the first place..no one really care if i'm here or not, no one would notice things that i did, and no one...would notice if i dissappear...sometimes i really wonder, am i worth anything to exist in in this world..

What are friends for ?

There are times you find your friends when you're down, bored, need someone to talk with, need people to play with and etc etc etc. But, what do you do with them when you're pre-occupied with your own stuff or work ?

There are, alot of times where we un-intentionally abandon our friends, where out of sudden we do not talk to them anymore, find or even talk to them from times to times, wait...that should be normal when we're walking on a working path, where everyone split up, especially for those who go oversea. I think, both parties are also important to keep a friendship last.

There are quite alot of people who takes their friends for granted, most of these people are "conditional friends", where..they find you when they need you, they dump you aside when they don't.

Anyway, friends who keep their own sadness, or happiness..to themself, are the worst one. I tend to get lonely all the time, when i know my friends were having trouble, when im not be able to do anything, when, they decided not to tell me, and when i know the solutions. Im like, why do you wanna keep all to yourself, when your friends are just beside you to help ? i really wonder, if people like this would care how would people around them would feel.

If you're to think u're very smart to handle things on your own, think you're so strong to just keep quite. Then i think you're the most stupidest person in the world, for making other people around you sad while seeing you like that.

In this world, there are no such things as carrying all the burden alone, there are no such things as you're be able to handle it alone, and of course...there is no way, that you could live on this world alone.

The best-est in life is not about being the wealthiest person in the world, prettiest, smartest or the luckiest. In actual fact, stupidity, responsibility, sereneity and idiocity is the best thing that you should have, to stay on a friendship.

For people whom treasure their friends, please think of their feelings, before you decide anything..or else, what are friends for ?

Useless~

I will leave out the details: Two of my precious broke down today. Heart Broken, not because i see them cry, but...because i can't do anything...

Struck with badlucks ?

First, i had problem with my batteries that it died out faster than expected during a dinner shooting, then...my studio lights acting up weird halfway during another indoor shooting, then there's wipeout of memory of my Memory Stick Duo, and now my Memory stick gone missing that i couldn't even find, which i can't even remember when i took it out.

With all these happening, and adding up another of all these other unfortunate events, seriously i nearly broke down to pieces. But doesnt mean i'm okay now x_x haihz

Mistake, mistakes, and more mistakes.

I've been doing alot of mistakes lately, making the wrong decisions, and anticipate the wrong assumption. It's been awhile since i felt this way, i've been wanting to tell to someone about this, but....for some reason, there's no one in mind that i can, or could tell to.

I dont even know why i felt this way. But think about it, maybe cause i've been slacking too much, that my own thoughts has become dull...and inaccurate.

Seriously, whatever happened in this 2 days took few months of my lifespan away, for awhile i felt so much depress on this. But, let's just hope that everything will be ok in the end.

In actual fact...

I am very scared now...

Where am i...

Out of sudden in the m0rning, i had this weird feeling...where, i can't even explain what is it...suddenly there's like...Emptyness...

The more i care for someone, the more i hurt them

Sometimes, i really wonder why the hell i'm making such a decision, and also...what am i actually thinking...

It's true that i care for all these friends of mine alot, and they are very dear to me..but, to what extend, and do i actually deserve all these caring from them ? I really don't know about this.

I've been always thinking that i might be able to change my luck to a better one. But after so long, it's still the same. I'm still the fallenAngel where i think i am all the while.

Thinking back all the way even before i step into this world of friendship, world of nonsense, and this blog. My luck for everything is always a darker one. Let's see :-

First of all, i've been always thinking as a bringer of BAD LUCK ! This is one of the factor that i always trying to ignore, one of the illogical facts that i wouldn't wanna believe in. But, for some reason, this keep coming back to me. There's already a number of people that i cared so much, that i would actually bring bad luck to them interms of their happiness and future. Im not sure how to put this in, but...they usually end up being sad no matter what i did. Maybe, im just an asshole who doesn't know how to care of people. Take today as an example, i can't even prevent these kind of thing happening to her back then, not to say...i can't even do anything at all. For the first time after so long, i felt so helpless againts someone whom i cared for so much, someone...whom i think is important to me. Or maybe i am not taking this seriously, or maybe...im just confuse. Im sorry my dear, that..i couldn't do anything at all.

Secondly, being friendly. For all these while, i've been having problem communicating with other people, namely socializing. Not to say i am shy or whatever, i just..do not know what to say all the time. And, i tend to screw up everytime when i wanna do it, or even tried to do it. It seems that i have failed everytime even when i think of it. Till now, i am still wondering why is this happening to me. Or maybe, im just too used to being alone, or maybe...i just prefered to be alone. Even i myself are not sure of what i want.

And lastly, respect. Sometimes i wonder, if i really know what does respect means. I tried to understand in every aspect of everyone's thought. There are times that everything is so true that, i said something that people wouldn't wanna hear. Let's just say that, there's alot of time that i think i never respect others after saying out something. Well, there isn't any official complaint, but that's how i felt all the time, for all these while.

There is a confession to make from me right here, that of course i wouldn't want anyone to know about this. I accidentally fell in love with this girl, that i shouldn't, and not suppose to. Even i myself wouldn't care of all these until just now, when i see her like that. It hurt alot, especially when u can't do anything about it to help the one u like. And weird thing is, i don't even know her that long. Hopefully i wont step into the wrong lane of the road on my life, else...this is going to be very troublesome, not for me..but everyone around me..i never wish to had anyone else in my life anymore if i would hurt her, but as of now..i really hope she get her own happiness, and wouldn't put too much hope on me. I still care for her as much as i love her, but...it's still impossible, for me...for now to being with anyone at all..

Not only that, there's alot of conversation that i can't get myself into lately. Maybe im just too serious on people that i care of, until i do not dare to spit out some words, wait...i still don't understand why am i too serious on the things that people actually joke about. Im very sure it's just me, so..will i be able to catch up with their conversation ? or maybe im just in another world.

There's too many maybe that i am unsure of, that i do not think i would be able to find out. "Maybe", im wrong about them for being caring and all, and "Maybe" i should accept this way and just move on. "Maybe" the impossible will happen if i do, and "Maybe" i can handle it when the time comes, in the end, "Maybe" there will be alot of tears involve. I really don't know. Please, i do not want to lose so many ppl that dear to me anymore. The line of breaking down, is too near. That i might not be able to take it...

I just hope, those who dear to me, and those whom i love, will accept my forgiveness that im being helpless, and also...i am really sorry for not being able to do anything at all back then. Sorry...as i was too naive and thought everythign will be fine...

reading back..

of what i wrote and felt since the beginning of this blog. One's feeling do change over time depending on what they have been through..especially, during the grow up period..

Temptation, and more hesitation

Ppl who tempted to do something, and hesitate to do it when they decide, are another type of nonsense people. Wait, or maybe that's just normal for your average people =p

I have alot of friends having problems deciding things that they wanna do or buy. Well, of course as usual, there are alot of factors and reason for us to think about before we decide something, but....what are the factor or reason that we should take into consideration ?

If i would to touch about all these factors , it will never ends....but, people should take a few factors before they decide, but not just one. It's true that you should do what you feel best, but...whatever you feel best, might not always be the best =P ppl make mistakes, so does everybody xD

So to all the people who WISH to do something and DARE not to do, please..dont' do anything at all. Period.

Hesitation...

I hesitated to attend the Art Nude Workshop. In fact, i'd actually thinking of a reason for not to attend. Let's just says that, i was hoping it was actually a Glamour workshop. Bleh, in actual fact, i'm really not convince a mere Model can actually help a photographer to improve. How should i do...i really not sure.

And i guess, this is not the only thing i'm hesitating. It's hurt to know the truth, and it's pain to go thru with it. I'm sure there are more people that having the worst compared to mine, been through all sort of stuff that i might not know, but...does that really matters ?

I'm really confuse...at this moment~

Is it really worth that much ?

Sometimes, i really wonder if people are actually thinking why they do this, and why they do that. IN short, the reason behind the action they do. Do they even think about it BEFORE ? or AFTER what they have done ?

There are alot of time, where things that you think is right, was actually wrong. And vise versa. In actualy fact, today i've seen the real face of everyone that i was doubting all the while, let's just says that, it's hard to swallow the truth.

You people has been wasting alot of time, and dissapointed me, and more over, lost my trust on you. If you still think i would treat you guys the same after tonight, sorry. It might be abit hard.

Well, not like there aint anything good happened tho, let's just says that, i love being together with people WHO won't simply think i like them just because i talk to them often and share our thoughts together, In actual fact, they were consider as "best Friend" that people invented long ago. Let's just says that, they're more valuable than anything else i could think of now, as they can never be replace. Thanks for being there.

And oh yeah, no matter how gift you are to this world, you alone cannot change the world =P Quote from L, someone whom i think it resemble alot of myself, just that i aint that smart as him, yet. hahaha.

I hope i'm wrong..

I really hope i am..

I really Wonder...

that when only people will realize on the things that they did. Once you're too used to what u did all the time, they'll start to drift off from their own track, and went on to the other path. There are times that they were informed on their changes, and there are times that themself knews about it. But all the times that we're reluctant to change.

My english has been weird lately, without knowing what word to use, and using the same word over and over again, am i at the edge where i can't move on anymore ? Or maybe, there's something that still blocking my forward path. I really don't want to think about that, as i'm afraid of the final answer, that there's possibility that it won't be something that i like about.

And i really wonder, what do i really want....i wonder..

How true it could be ?

Just only read back all my journal entries, i realize...even tho it reflect what happened on that time, but how true it is ?

It's not that i was lying on the things i wrote, it's just that...it means more than what i meant, that can't put into words. It's true that you'll never understand as long as you're not there, as long as you're not the one experience it, and as long as you're not the one who can be considered as "victim".

You know what, getting all the messages, talk back to all you girls, ignoring some of the questions. Those step were necessary, just imagine what will happen if i just have to answer and quote back every single thing that i have asked about, and imagine what would happen if everytime i spoke the truth. Wait, the truth about you, not me. I've been always straightforward and blunt on my action. Nothing more, nothing less.

Reading back over and over and i think, there are still alot of things that cannot be told, said, or even mentioned. Since it might be used again in the future for no particular reason, like what happened just now. Sometimes it's true that, everyone keeps a secret, and it's best it remains a secret. Well, what's so bad about someone keeping things a secret ? It's their life, and it's up to them to keep it for their own sake,or maybe for everyone's who related's sake.

As mentioned, things that never being told not necessary to be bad, but then again, there are alot of things that you shouldn't keep since every one knows about it, what's more you really DONT have to lie about it when people confirmed knowing somethin you called it a "Secret". There's always a better way doing things than to cover it with lies.

People who does this, i usually use the term as "nonsense", rather than bullshit. Personally i myself thinks bullshits is abit of insulting, nonsense would sound much better, at least that's what i thought.

There's alot of ways to define people who always talk about nonsense, first of all, those who talk about something where just cross their minds, without even knowing what's going on. WAIT, i meant, without knowing what's going on WITH EVERY ASPECT ! Com'mon people, don't spit up something that you're not even sure, wait..even if you're sure don't JUST SPIT it out like that, not only it might create confusion, but some misunderstanding, which is totally UNECESSARY ! So please, use your freakin brain that you have been givin since birth to think before you speak you morons.

Secondly, Nonsense people, as mentioned they don't use brains much, will try to plan something out of nothing. In short, they always failed in their planning, not to mentioned it will most like not turn out the way they want. Wait, did i mentioned it'll never goes well ? It's been so long that i already know that, they will never be on time, and people who're not good with time, they will never be good in planning. It's so true that you might wanna cut your balls out and eat it.

Third, it's a combination of liars and try to act cool people. Wait, they're still in Nonsense category people. Unlike those Conman or Coolguy, who at least they're smart. These nonsense people are freakin stupid when it comes to bluff people and trying to act cute. C'mon, if i have a hammer in my hand and got nothing to lose, i will freaking break your head off imediately to verify how empty your brain is. Enuff says.

In short, don't trust Nonsense people, they have no sense have all.

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Back to what i really wanted to write, in this world there will be no truth (Not referring to scientific terms or maths stuff), i'm talking about people. They might be a monk or paster or whatever they called themself, but their heart. You never know.

People are the one who decides what's right or wrong, people are the one who create words, people, are the who goes on majorities when it comes to feelings, people..are the one who decides on their on faith, and people, who decides on who will lead, and who will follow.

Sometimes i really wonder, how true is it for this world now ? you might be wondering what i'm talkin about. Let's see, we'll start with...how this world is formed..wait, that was too back away, or maybe i'll just say how ABC is actually invented, and why does words like HATE and LOVE exist in the first place.

For those Angels, they will think "Purifying the land, and eliminate all the devil, and treat everyone good" is a Good thing they do, and how they show their own love. While the devil, they will have to KILL all the angels, maintain their kind and treat those others whatever they want, in order to show them they exist. But wait, is that even wrong?

If you say is wrong, who were at fault actually ? Are those water meant for you to drink in the first place ? Are those vegies, chickens, and tree to be chop down just for your sake ? AND if to look into a bigger picture, is this world where you called earth, is somewhere where you can call it's your territory and named whatever you want like AMERICA or MALAYSIA ? Those are freaking nonsense. Those planet are not even called Venus or Mars or whatsoever, why would you even wanna create money and jail when people are actually meant to do whatever they want in the first place ?

People now are freaking materialize, even tho they are not, but they still IS. It's not that people are at fault for discovering something new and named it whatever they want, it's just that it's not something that you SHOULD brag about and tries to act the almighty as you want. I don't really care if you're a GOD or PRIME MINISTER. No matter how you put into it, you're still only An existence, something that exist mainly for the reason of existing. It's true that the Universe or milky way is big, but what if it's actually as small as a single DNA cell in our body, that ends once a person ends ? What if we're actually inside someone's single cell, and there's actually zillions of them multiply by infinity ?

Then you might think it's not necessary to think about it. Then please tell me, what are you reason on living ? Study, live, work, get married, have kids, be successful and die in grave ? Then what if after u die ?

People have been livin this kind of life for GENERATIONS, for what ? No one can actually answers it. You might have, but it has no ending and proper meaning if you're bein asked about it.

In short, there's no truth or true stuff in this world, things like those is just like candies to make babies happy. And please, i'm definitely not living in this world to do all those kind of things, i'll just be like everyone else, do whatever i want.

How far can it be ?

Sometimes i wonder if people would read back their own journal years ago regarding their life, and love relations.

I would, most of the time, that i would think whether it's necessary or not to say something, or to do something. But for most of the time, i think it's nonsense to do all those things. Wait, did i say nonsense ?

Anyway, i'm really getting tired of arguing on the things that i don't even think about it..or more like it doesn't really matter. I know it might matters to you and all, but is it necessary to bring it up each and everytime just because of some small things ? This sucks~

This is exactly what i meant..

You see, there's a reason why people wouldn't want to get serious in their relationship, of course i'm not saying everyone will have the same situation, but people like me who sometimes regret over a decision that has been made, even tho everyone says it's the correct one.

I don't know why, i think the time has come to a near end, that my life shall change dramatically to another curves, where people will not even realize how much this will change the people around me, if i change.

i'm frustrated and annoyed by people around me who never even try to use their brain even before they thinking. Not to mentioned they don't even know how to respect and to learn to think how important the reason for their living. Let's just say that, this world is all screwed up actually.

Thinking about other's feeling..

As far as i'm concerned, it's totally wrong to say those word to other people if you don't intend to say sorry in the end.

Because, no matter how you look into it, mens, don't understand a single thing about others, including themself.

Inconsiderate ?

Or is there another word to describe these people ?

This is getting sick and tiring for all these to happen again and again. For someone who promise and say OK to go out at night, become see how first, and did something else in the end by not telling people exactly what happen ? Wait wait, simply put..How hard is it to just be HONEST ?

Damn all of you

Annoying, freaking annoying...

I've been wondering how screw up this world is lately, there's just too many kind of screw up people in this world, considering the fact that you'll meet more kind of people as you grew, i never thought it could be this bad that pissed me off so easily.

Here, on the top of the list, i hate Ignorant Screw Up Asses, not only they lack of knowledge and concentration, or even wanting to learn...they are so screw up that they could easily forget the things they asked just a few second split away..i'm like, "WTH, are you even listening to what i'm saying ? AND are you even remembering what you asked ?" This kind of people, congratulation, you've earned the "Most annoying person, yet screwed up person".

The another top of list would be, Screw up self-prolaimed. This group of people consist of all kind of bullshits, and even more bullshits on their head. Not only the thing that they said is 100% non-sense, they're more annoying even before they open their mouth.

So dear people, please use your commonsense, your brain, your courtesy or whatever you can think of, before you even speak, so that people won't hit you even before you open your mouth.

Thank you

A path, that started to get blurry...

It seems that it have to come to this, where at this rate...things will get even worst on everykind of decision.

It's easy to acknowledge and to proceed, but it won't solve anything and repeat over and over again. It's easier for the thread to be broken, if it was pulled longer and longer without adding more thread to it, and it's harder to decide, when it's just a simple opening words once all these happens.

I wonder, should i, or shouldn't i..This might mean nothing to most of us, but somehow..you can't pleased everyone with the facts..

The path, i'm taking...

After browsing through various photographer's work since 2005, i just realize i have wasted so much time messing around on things that i actually like to do. I'm wondering, whether i'll be like what they are now in the next 3 years time. At that time i'll be like, 27 years old ?

Well, time to rethink and reconstruct a more reality resolution this year on my photography path :

1. To have at least 3 senior photographer (Whom snapping picture for work more than 2 years) to recognize and acknowledge my work.

2. Getting hold all the basic of handling the DSLR that i had invested on.

3. To have at least 2 Models potrait outdoor shoot.

4. Being invited on at least 1 of the eventl.

5. Knowing more place of interest in Malaysia.

6. To earn enough profit to create a smugsmug account/host a website on my work.
I think that's about it that i can think of, hopefully i'll carve this into my brain and archieve it as soon as possible =)

Not so lonely, yet...un-true

It's been awhile since i felt this way. Even tho i had everything i wanted, the things i want the most will never definitely be the one that i could get hold of. People might think it's so precious since i can't get hold of those feelings, but in actual facts, i had once felt it, but lost it due to some reason.

This kind of feeling come and go, when it comes, i tried to get hold of it, but i sorta like not-so-dare to get hold of it once it going off. Perhaps, this is one of the thing that humans lack of, which is flexibility.

I really don't want this kind of life continues, where it's only half attached, i want it to be more consistent, more flexibility, more open minded, and lastly, it's more enjoyable. Not because i'm sellfish that i wanted my life to be the best compared to others, but it's the life that i found it enjoyable since it's the life that i'm living in.

And again, who will ever understand ? no one....in the end..

Round 2 is coming...soon

It seems that my assumption is correct.

He has never change, it went almost immediate effect once he got hold of what he want, so obvious that you can't even deny it no matter how hard you try to.

I don't know why, maybe i've been thinking too much. Still wondering if it's normal for people tends to forget the friends once they're in relationship. And, if it doesn't work out well, they turn back to you and complaint on every single thing.

So what is friends all about...just another insurans when you have no where to run ? But at least insurans you paid a certain amount of fees every months/year, but you don't do the same to your friends.

It happened to a few of my friends, where we don't use to go out as much as we do last time, talk, nor do share anything. Probably this is what we call the different path in life that changes "everything". But then again, i'm just frustrated that sometimes, it make me felt that i've been toyed around during this whole time, just for their own benefits.

I'm forecasting that in a week time or 2, this friend of mine won't even bother giving me a call anymore.