Round 2 is coming...soon

It seems that my assumption is correct.

He has never change, it went almost immediate effect once he got hold of what he want, so obvious that you can't even deny it no matter how hard you try to.

I don't know why, maybe i've been thinking too much. Still wondering if it's normal for people tends to forget the friends once they're in relationship. And, if it doesn't work out well, they turn back to you and complaint on every single thing.

So what is friends all about...just another insurans when you have no where to run ? But at least insurans you paid a certain amount of fees every months/year, but you don't do the same to your friends.

It happened to a few of my friends, where we don't use to go out as much as we do last time, talk, nor do share anything. Probably this is what we call the different path in life that changes "everything". But then again, i'm just frustrated that sometimes, it make me felt that i've been toyed around during this whole time, just for their own benefits.

I'm forecasting that in a week time or 2, this friend of mine won't even bother giving me a call anymore.

Things, where you can never explain

I've been always wondering when will be the day like this will happens, the day where 2 person's thoughts can be differ from each other when there are things to be done.

"If all you can say that you care, but you can't show it. You're just lying". Perhaps i'll be a liar all these while. Not to mentioned there will never be a day that i'll be someone that everyone hope for. I'm not the kind of person whom wanna live up to people's expectation, i just wanna live the life i want. Is that hard ?

Everytime when things goes like this, when i was hoping that you would understand and do not worried about things like 'these', it never will happen. In the end we'll just up for some arguement that you think everything went absolutely wrong, and at my end there's nothing that actually went wrong.

What's wrong with not seeing each other for a few days, as of last time when people do not have Handphones and time, they still love each other even tho they see each other once a month.

What's wrong with me for not being around once in awhile when you're with your friends ? It's not like im neglecting you or something, at least the time i'm using is for the future that i think it would help.

If you truly think that i don't say anything, means that you're facing all these alone. Then i'm afraid to say the life that i'm living is much more lonely than what you can think of. I can't think of anything which is much even worst than not be able to reply, talk, or to express when one's having conversation. No one ever know, how does it feel that when you're quiet and not being able to say anything.

If i am not someone who can say as much as people wish, means i'm not. If i am not talkactive as other people, means i'm different. If i'm not doing anything that people doing all the time, it doens't mean i don't have the thoughts. People can accept the fact that i don't care if i don't voice out, but people will never care and accept that you care if you did something. I guess, words are more important for people than "availability", haha. Ironic world.

If i would to explain every little thing, you would go answer and give you opinion on everything i said, if i were to give mine opinion after yours, that would leaves as if i'm not acknowledging, and worst it'll only lead to "i make you cry" situation. Things like this just keep repeating, and repeating. I've been always wonder if it's normal for people to think of everything as bad prospect as long as they weren't being pampered.

The bottom line is, i'm different. Stop treating me the same as other people. And i don't treat people the way i want them to treat me back, i live the life i want as how i want, and i got my own way of expression and doing things. I guess as long as people don't accept that, it wont mean anything.

I have changed ?

Always looking forward seeing you, trying my best to be at place. Going on best effort so that my heart is around eventhough i am tired.

Everyday, everymoment. I think of you when i'm free at work. Thinking of what to do at the end of the day, with you. No matter how tired i am, no matter how moody, or depress i am from work. It will never effect the reason for me to find you, cause i need to see you.

All these while i have been a person who is not organize enough. But now, i've learnt how to prioritize.

When i work, i focus at work; But when i'm on break or lunch, i think of you.
When i drive, i focus at driving; But when the road is clear, i will hold on you.
When i'm exhausted, i rest; but when you're around at the same time, i try be by your side.
When i'm out with you, i put away my tiredness, my moodyness, my worryness, and my sellfishness. All i had in mind, is to let you enjoy as much as you can.

On Monday, i was ignoring the fact that i'm tried, and go out walking with you.
On Tuesday, i ignore the fact that i am depress from work, and try my best to be out with you.

But, today...after hours of working with sleepie and stressful mood, all i asked for is to rest earlier at home. And i cant even chat with a cheerful you, instead...i am not resting even tho i am home.

You said i don't give much emotion when i not seeing you...and when i already told you i'm tried. Even tho i tried not to let you think that way by giving you a short call after work. It still happen.

You said i am not used to be what i am. Well, that's because things changed, and i don't see it changed to the bad side. As i still love you as much as i do.

You SmS me thought i weren't even gonna sms you. That message just made my day the worse, as i was being positioned that way even tho i tried so hard.

Please baby, don't let me worry all the time, i would bring you out if i knew you were moody cause of the heat. But sometimes, things won't get better if we don't help each other. How hard is it to do things that you don't like just to make things better ?

That reminds me, i hate living in this house, i hate the fact that i have to stay in office for so long, hated the fact that i am talking on the phone everyday, the fact that i am in sales, and need to presuade people. Hated the most when i don't have enough money to do the things i want.

But i'm glad i know you, glad that you're with me. Loving you makes me forget all those hatred. So please, stop thinking that i've changed or doesn't prioritize you, cause i always do. It hurts the most when you think i don't care about you. Even tho there are times that im not doing the things that i used to do, but i do still think of you all the time..

a pencil, without a lead...

a post for Monday, September 18, 2006

I've been wondering how important is reasoning is, confuse with the fact that, whether it's something that people should say, or...depending on the situation. Long before peopel telling me telling reasoning is important, i always find that the fact that people telling reason on their action is a waste of time, since people..human themself dont trust each other in the first place, if reasoning is the reason that make other believe and know them more, it's just another way to monopolize other people thoughts, like how people do within politics and religions, which sometimes toying with people's mind and thoughts.

All the while i've been keeping quiet, not to give out reason, nor do explain my weird actions. Well, i was naturally born like that tho, and even the group im in last time, is a group that trained people how to be more dicipline, i think that's one of the reason why i'm turning into absolute quiet person who dun care what people say. Wait, do i have to prove that ?

Helping people is just what i always like to do, of course..with the compensation that, he/she wont tell out that im the one who actually do it. I've been living in the dark all the time, becoming the shadow of someone else. But seriously put, until now....i'd rather others wont know that i'd done something good...rather than letting them know. It'll just turn out the fact that i'm a jerk in the end anyway. How ? Think yourself.

Bad things happens around me all the time, people stabbing me from behind just because i never say anything about it, or stand up and to clarify my action is different from what they think. I never do all that, cause i "thought" they' were my friend, and smart enough to get confirmation from me, instead of assuming things without using their brain and thinking the whole picture. At first, i was quite pissed at all this, for knowing what they say....i'd rather not to know what's going on about me. Wants to make me feel bad by talking behind me ? Keep this in mind, you'll fail yourself thinking that, i won't care.

Things had changed...since this person tell me why i never explain things properly. I was thinking, if i explain, from 10 good people, and 1 (me) bad people, i'll made them become 10 bad people, and 1 good people, and at the same time, this person will understand and feel better. Sellfish isn't it, i'm betraying my own life prinsip just because of this one person, and turning everyone into bad people. Suprisingly, at the same time i'm trying to fix things up, by turning back the 10 bad people, into 10 neutral being, by giving out reason "Im sure they dont mean that". Geez, how stupid i am.

And as things goes by, i'd always thought that giving out reasons would be good, since i might avoid some misunderstood and uneccesary sadness that i created without me knowing. It was working well at first, since it makes others to reliase what i do, is totally different, and sometimes unpredictable....well, i would say that unpredictable person is nice to know, since, you'll only know him well if you dont compare with others. But, if a person would still think that they understand this person, and still say they are unpredictable, i would say...they're still comparing him with someone else. So, is it that hard to understand someone ?

If i were to write this and get evaluation, i think i would screw up instead, since there's no actual point that im trying to point out. But, im just saying what im thinking. Who cares what other people think. AND if people who read it and care, im sure they'll put much efforts on it, trying to understand, and ask the composer instead, so that they wont misunderstood..i guess thats why people uses question mark alot. But life has teach me one thing, people would assume, more than anything else. They would treat "You should had known" more than "you should had asked". What are humans now anyway, mindreaders ? if they're not..so you're gonna say they dont understand you at all ? There's so many reason that people trying to create day after day. But whats the point ?

I've found out that,there's actually a couple, which the gf would just go to his bf's msn account, and block girls that she don't know, cause she's worried..which doesn't really mean anything to me, except that..im thinking what's the point ? im too lazy to explain now...wait, i wont..Use your brain and stop stuck in your own thoughts and concept, cause...you're not the only one with brains in this tiny earth.

Last but not least, i wont be giving out reasons anymore on my own actions, it's just plain waste of time and hurting my own feelings. If people would wanna believe what they see and understand, i'll let them be. I cant make people to trust me, it's their life, their choice...for those who know me long, i would even keep quiet even if they ask me why about it.

Lately, the issue at home has been rised up again, i mean..not only us, among everyone...relatives, non relatives, and etc etc that's not related but yet related.

The bond of this stupid family, i mean..as in the entire blood connection isn't that good to begin with. I wonder if it's cause of those aunties, or maybe it's just the stupidity of some rich, or half rich people.

The very first issue was raised since 1984. When i was born, and was having a slight minor mini arguement between my dad and my grandfather. On whether who should i been taken care by...well, the arguement was rather simple, grandfather insist on taking me cause father got no time to take care of me due to his overflowing work at Bangsar last time, when we used to stay in Wangsa Maju, and father insisted...for don't know what reason tho..well, it's pretty obvious isn't it, cause im his son.

Then the next one i can remember is, the day of entering Kindergarden, i have no idea why i'm studying in 2 kindergarden each of the 2 years..weird...and sad tho, since the bond with my friends arent that good, and there was once i fell off from a monkeybar, and knocked my head slightly a little...maybe that's why i cant remember well what happened.

Entering primary school aint easy...and again, grandfather wants me go to a chinese school, and my father wanted me to go to english school...well, don't know much about the detail tho, but i finally get in a chinese school in wangsa maju...the only thing i remember is, going out at 630 am, and coming back home at 8pm...the only time that i could see my parents is the time we go to class, and waiting for them to come home after work. Other than that, i cant really remember my youth time..

Then the next issue i can remember is, the land in china was illegally taken by someone there to build apartments...due to some financial status, lawyers and such cant be done to take back the land that was originally ours. All they can do is, go there...and take a last glance at the land that we used to have...and because of this, my father's brothers, and my grandfathers brother, argued....weird, all only talks about the benefit of the land if taken back, but no one willing to spend money to hire lawyer to get it back...my grandfather is the only one who spent money on lawyer to investigate..but, it's never enough to put into court and get it back...and the case just droped like this..

hmm...and then again, father wants his siblings to each take 25k to buy a house for my grandparents..but, no one wants....weird isn't..."Family" that suppose to help each other..

Don't know about the detail of operation of my grandfather in China, all i know is, it's all paid by my uncle..my grandma's brother..and again, my father is the only one who look after him all the while..

My father passed away, and my auntie who claimed that she always pay for his medical checkup fees, took all his wills...and again, my father kept quiet about it...

When it comes to money, devil grows around them...there's currently few aunties staying in my uncle's house..all money sucker, and what's wrong that my grandma stay with his brother ? That they still have to complain about..don't mention that, there's one of them is not related to us at all..getting backstab and gossiping around aint something new anymore..

Now the issue of my father possibility of having a kidney stone...no one would even bother asking, except my grandma, and his sister..his brothers ? suckers that ask my sis about him, when he's around here and can ask him himself....i dont' really like the family here, that's why going to penang once a year during chinese new year, is like seeing alot of masked faces people..

and even now for me whom always planning ahead on what to do, run around and walk always...got complained again that im not doing anything..well, pretty obvious isn't it..if i dont do anything, i wont work in subang, i wont even get a job for tomorrow..isn't it...

During my birthday, they can even dare to ask whos birthday cake is that, slicing it up without telling me what they're doing with it..not saying anything or ask about my birthday night or anything at all about it...i've been wondering they care more about my health, my future, my pride...or, my wealth...

Hell, i hate this whole family tree...

Not picking up calls, not appearing on msn....so that i can escape everything that people prepare for me, so that i can escape from each and every celebration that people might come up for me...but, in the end..i have to pick up a call, whom ask me go out at nights, friends that i only can rely on.

Not knowing what will happen next, was quite happy that everyone came out just to celebrate with me, as in those that always being there for me when im down....when i needed them, works and morning classes never stop them from seeing me just before my birthday ends, and of course the most unexpectedly, a cake that she bought for me...is there..

Knowing how special this cake is, my tears nearly rush out, nothing is even more happier than seeing her name on it, saying that it's from her..first thing i did was sms her since i cant call her, totally speechless cause i'm overjoyed with it, how can i not ? since i get to eat cake like once every few year....and on that day before my birthday ends, i can really feel her around..so, even tho it's just a cake..you're already there =) The first one, and the last one who wished me..thanks for everything.

:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+:+

So, all those without replies or smses is cause you wanted to be alone..sorry, i guess i should had just stayed at home, avoiding everything that might cause you to think that i left you out...i know it all, wait...is that even important ? Since i know you might be staying up just for it, since i already know you're kind of person that would stay up all the time just being ready for me...and i know it so well that you wont sleep that early even i had told you...yeah, it's true that i don't know how it feels for not being there, and the cake is there...but, for not be able to be there, cant do anything, seeing someone else celebrating with u with so much creativity, knowing that you finally happy over the cake you've been waiting for...and finally im relief that someone did come up with something, that i always wish for...but, nowing that you're so happy with it, im not sad about it anymore....not sad about not being able to do anything..

But, even tho i knew all that, still...it's abit sad that you're always being able to do anything that i wanted to do, which make me even more down..i don't know how to react on it sometimes, should i enjoy it ? should i just say thanks ? I wanted to turn down everyone request, and just bring home the cake..but in the end, i can only sms with you, telling you how much i love it, trying to make myself sound excited when i am excited with it, my tears nearly rushed out when you called at that time too...what can i say ? there no words that would or can express how happy i am that night...

And this morning you complaining about others celebrating with me ? Yeah, i know you dont like it...it's already my fault, i didn't know you would mind that i write about my friends on msn, since you already know how much i appreciate what you did...it's true that i never ask you to join, cause it's already 5 people here and i wouldn't know how to be with 2 situation...even tho i asked you too online, and you wouldn't, further more...i already did what i can, what do you expect me to do ? there's even a friend who skip work just because he overtired yesterday....

i really don't know what to say anymore, i know it's hard if you ask someone to do favors , especially those who you don't really know..that's why i wouldn't want you to get into trouble just because of me..cause, knowing that if they can get a cake, and knowing that i'll eat it without you around...is no different, which i think it's better to stay at home just to spend my quiet and happy day with you...but in the end, there's still things you can find and complain off...i really don't know what to do anymore..

Oh wait, did i mention that i went out, cause i probably know that he still will do the things you asked him ? hmm...it's getting messy here...maybe i should stop writing this with this feelings...

It was the greatest night yesterday just because of the cake.. as always, happiness dissappear so fast like you said..

I wonder how many personality can one has ? Like someone i know..he's actually quite a sweet guy...that i know..but infront of other, he cuss, straightforward, and abit the irritating sometimes...but hey, people still revovle around him..lol..so, unconciously, he's a sweet guy..just that no one ever thought of that =)

Still got alot of friends, that you cant really see their personality from their first look and conversation..cause most of them..are really hidden...but hey, the reason why you still hang out with them even tho you complain, is the best proof that they're good people =)

It's been awhile since i felt this way...happy, sad..but satisfied..to know someone care about me that much, and to let someone know that i care about her that much..is a feeling that no one can comprehend...well, some people say money, fame...and power is more important that love, for a guy..don't know why..i don't see all those things more important than the girl i love...i am living now, with all my heart, unlike last time whom always keep everything to myself, giving false expression...but hey, as long as people understands me, and i dont lie about my own feelings..everything is cool =)

Yet, another directon-less entry...

Even tho i'd said i'll be fine since the very first day, even tho i had said i don't mind..but till now, i have to admit that, things is getting harder and harder...getting hurter and hurter...wait..i mean, it's getting sadder...and much more sadder, and once in awhile, i'll go blank when i tried to pretend...pretending that i'm okay..

I had always ask, why cant you made things easier for both of us, why cant you just settle things as fast as possible, why not, you just make sure that time that we can spend together, not wasted on time that you don't want to waste on. You had always tells me that how dislike you are to spend time on something else..and yet..you're still doing it, i know..you might have no choice..but, do you really have no choice ?

After thinkin of all these stuff, and i came back to myself again..maybe i just deserve all these, maybe you just wanna be secure...and maybe, that's why i can't really decide what you should do now, since..everything happened is all my fault..well, since it's that way, maybe..i should just cheer myself up now, for saying everything is all my fault..

I never know, for having sms not replied, or waiting for phonecalls nor sms..is that painful...every minute, seems forever..for knowing you're with someone else, that i cant be around...and..for not knowing what's really going on..worse of all, for knowing that things i didn't mean to sound like or said, has hurt you...my life, getting suckier...i wonder, if i can sell my soul to the devil...

Been through alot of feelings in this past few days, found out that lunch hour can be so sad, due to one small matter. Well, you can say it's quite a big case, yet..doesn't matter..what am i saying..

After years thinking stuff about you, spending time with you, became your angel, and devil and the same time. I was wondering, was i even deserve a second chance ? not to mention, that can i ask for anything else ? Well, all i want is to have you by my side....the past, is pain..haunting everyone...for i, who are the ghost created those days, i think...it's the hardest part, when i'll have to be the one to cure all those things..

And all i want...is to be with you...

after a long wait..finally it's your lunch hour ^^ Going out an hour early just to not let you wait..heh, reach Wisma genting at 1210pm, well, it's still early, and so i walk around to kill some time, tho the destination is only 7-11 and wisma genting = =

Well, after walking back and forth at that 2 places till 1230, finally i decided to stand near the elevator instead of looking like an idiot wandering around there..lol..

And so, you came down..too bad you didn't see me once you reach, but it's all okay since i see your smile after calling out for you =) And so, we had our lunch, and enjoyed our precious 1 hour lunch time of yours =P

Went to Maju Junction to take iC after that, only waited for half an hour tho for the queue, and came back around 3 something. Looking at clock, and knowing i cant see u for dinner, and so i decided to sleep, and hope that i wouldn't be thinking too much on why i cant find you.

After hours of sleeping and waiting, finally, it's 6 something. Had my dinner, chat with u awhile, and playing Dota to get my time pass. Wanted to go take ma shower, but kept thinking and worried that i might miss you call when im having my shower. Well, you should be home at 9 or 10 something tho, since you say you'll get home asap, and dinner is all i can think of that you'll be having.

Waited and waited...the clock seems like taking forever to tick...and worse of all..it's already 10 something, enduring the pain of not getting any replies and worried for nothing, finally a call frm you, that saying you're home. Even tho it's abit late, well..i guess it's fine, since i'm gonna see you =)

Sadly, things didn't work out as what i wanted...was wondering what you're doing whole nite, and you tells me dont mention about it. Ok, you might have some reasons...so i'll just let it be, i thought that you might be jumping of joy after seeing me, but who knows, i pissed you of without knowing it's actually my fault, that i don't really know. I cant believe this, i was only hoping to know what you did, and was hoping that you would be happy after i waited so long and look for you. But, nothing seems working right...sadz..and i cant even call and talk to you about it after i reach home...haihz..