Where am i...

Out of sudden in the m0rning, i had this weird feeling...where, i can't even explain what is it...suddenly there's like...Emptyness...

The more i care for someone, the more i hurt them

Sometimes, i really wonder why the hell i'm making such a decision, and also...what am i actually thinking...

It's true that i care for all these friends of mine alot, and they are very dear to me..but, to what extend, and do i actually deserve all these caring from them ? I really don't know about this.

I've been always thinking that i might be able to change my luck to a better one. But after so long, it's still the same. I'm still the fallenAngel where i think i am all the while.

Thinking back all the way even before i step into this world of friendship, world of nonsense, and this blog. My luck for everything is always a darker one. Let's see :-

First of all, i've been always thinking as a bringer of BAD LUCK ! This is one of the factor that i always trying to ignore, one of the illogical facts that i wouldn't wanna believe in. But, for some reason, this keep coming back to me. There's already a number of people that i cared so much, that i would actually bring bad luck to them interms of their happiness and future. Im not sure how to put this in, but...they usually end up being sad no matter what i did. Maybe, im just an asshole who doesn't know how to care of people. Take today as an example, i can't even prevent these kind of thing happening to her back then, not to say...i can't even do anything at all. For the first time after so long, i felt so helpless againts someone whom i cared for so much, someone...whom i think is important to me. Or maybe i am not taking this seriously, or maybe...im just confuse. Im sorry my dear, that..i couldn't do anything at all.

Secondly, being friendly. For all these while, i've been having problem communicating with other people, namely socializing. Not to say i am shy or whatever, i just..do not know what to say all the time. And, i tend to screw up everytime when i wanna do it, or even tried to do it. It seems that i have failed everytime even when i think of it. Till now, i am still wondering why is this happening to me. Or maybe, im just too used to being alone, or maybe...i just prefered to be alone. Even i myself are not sure of what i want.

And lastly, respect. Sometimes i wonder, if i really know what does respect means. I tried to understand in every aspect of everyone's thought. There are times that everything is so true that, i said something that people wouldn't wanna hear. Let's just say that, there's alot of time that i think i never respect others after saying out something. Well, there isn't any official complaint, but that's how i felt all the time, for all these while.

There is a confession to make from me right here, that of course i wouldn't want anyone to know about this. I accidentally fell in love with this girl, that i shouldn't, and not suppose to. Even i myself wouldn't care of all these until just now, when i see her like that. It hurt alot, especially when u can't do anything about it to help the one u like. And weird thing is, i don't even know her that long. Hopefully i wont step into the wrong lane of the road on my life, else...this is going to be very troublesome, not for me..but everyone around me..i never wish to had anyone else in my life anymore if i would hurt her, but as of now..i really hope she get her own happiness, and wouldn't put too much hope on me. I still care for her as much as i love her, but...it's still impossible, for me...for now to being with anyone at all..

Not only that, there's alot of conversation that i can't get myself into lately. Maybe im just too serious on people that i care of, until i do not dare to spit out some words, wait...i still don't understand why am i too serious on the things that people actually joke about. Im very sure it's just me, so..will i be able to catch up with their conversation ? or maybe im just in another world.

There's too many maybe that i am unsure of, that i do not think i would be able to find out. "Maybe", im wrong about them for being caring and all, and "Maybe" i should accept this way and just move on. "Maybe" the impossible will happen if i do, and "Maybe" i can handle it when the time comes, in the end, "Maybe" there will be alot of tears involve. I really don't know. Please, i do not want to lose so many ppl that dear to me anymore. The line of breaking down, is too near. That i might not be able to take it...

I just hope, those who dear to me, and those whom i love, will accept my forgiveness that im being helpless, and also...i am really sorry for not being able to do anything at all back then. Sorry...as i was too naive and thought everythign will be fine...

reading back..

of what i wrote and felt since the beginning of this blog. One's feeling do change over time depending on what they have been through..especially, during the grow up period..

Temptation, and more hesitation

Ppl who tempted to do something, and hesitate to do it when they decide, are another type of nonsense people. Wait, or maybe that's just normal for your average people =p

I have alot of friends having problems deciding things that they wanna do or buy. Well, of course as usual, there are alot of factors and reason for us to think about before we decide something, but....what are the factor or reason that we should take into consideration ?

If i would to touch about all these factors , it will never ends....but, people should take a few factors before they decide, but not just one. It's true that you should do what you feel best, but...whatever you feel best, might not always be the best =P ppl make mistakes, so does everybody xD

So to all the people who WISH to do something and DARE not to do, please..dont' do anything at all. Period.

Hesitation...

I hesitated to attend the Art Nude Workshop. In fact, i'd actually thinking of a reason for not to attend. Let's just says that, i was hoping it was actually a Glamour workshop. Bleh, in actual fact, i'm really not convince a mere Model can actually help a photographer to improve. How should i do...i really not sure.

And i guess, this is not the only thing i'm hesitating. It's hurt to know the truth, and it's pain to go thru with it. I'm sure there are more people that having the worst compared to mine, been through all sort of stuff that i might not know, but...does that really matters ?

I'm really confuse...at this moment~

Is it really worth that much ?

Sometimes, i really wonder if people are actually thinking why they do this, and why they do that. IN short, the reason behind the action they do. Do they even think about it BEFORE ? or AFTER what they have done ?

There are alot of time, where things that you think is right, was actually wrong. And vise versa. In actualy fact, today i've seen the real face of everyone that i was doubting all the while, let's just says that, it's hard to swallow the truth.

You people has been wasting alot of time, and dissapointed me, and more over, lost my trust on you. If you still think i would treat you guys the same after tonight, sorry. It might be abit hard.

Well, not like there aint anything good happened tho, let's just says that, i love being together with people WHO won't simply think i like them just because i talk to them often and share our thoughts together, In actual fact, they were consider as "best Friend" that people invented long ago. Let's just says that, they're more valuable than anything else i could think of now, as they can never be replace. Thanks for being there.

And oh yeah, no matter how gift you are to this world, you alone cannot change the world =P Quote from L, someone whom i think it resemble alot of myself, just that i aint that smart as him, yet. hahaha.

I hope i'm wrong..

I really hope i am..

I really Wonder...

that when only people will realize on the things that they did. Once you're too used to what u did all the time, they'll start to drift off from their own track, and went on to the other path. There are times that they were informed on their changes, and there are times that themself knews about it. But all the times that we're reluctant to change.

My english has been weird lately, without knowing what word to use, and using the same word over and over again, am i at the edge where i can't move on anymore ? Or maybe, there's something that still blocking my forward path. I really don't want to think about that, as i'm afraid of the final answer, that there's possibility that it won't be something that i like about.

And i really wonder, what do i really want....i wonder..

How true it could be ?

Just only read back all my journal entries, i realize...even tho it reflect what happened on that time, but how true it is ?

It's not that i was lying on the things i wrote, it's just that...it means more than what i meant, that can't put into words. It's true that you'll never understand as long as you're not there, as long as you're not the one experience it, and as long as you're not the one who can be considered as "victim".

You know what, getting all the messages, talk back to all you girls, ignoring some of the questions. Those step were necessary, just imagine what will happen if i just have to answer and quote back every single thing that i have asked about, and imagine what would happen if everytime i spoke the truth. Wait, the truth about you, not me. I've been always straightforward and blunt on my action. Nothing more, nothing less.

Reading back over and over and i think, there are still alot of things that cannot be told, said, or even mentioned. Since it might be used again in the future for no particular reason, like what happened just now. Sometimes it's true that, everyone keeps a secret, and it's best it remains a secret. Well, what's so bad about someone keeping things a secret ? It's their life, and it's up to them to keep it for their own sake,or maybe for everyone's who related's sake.

As mentioned, things that never being told not necessary to be bad, but then again, there are alot of things that you shouldn't keep since every one knows about it, what's more you really DONT have to lie about it when people confirmed knowing somethin you called it a "Secret". There's always a better way doing things than to cover it with lies.

People who does this, i usually use the term as "nonsense", rather than bullshit. Personally i myself thinks bullshits is abit of insulting, nonsense would sound much better, at least that's what i thought.

There's alot of ways to define people who always talk about nonsense, first of all, those who talk about something where just cross their minds, without even knowing what's going on. WAIT, i meant, without knowing what's going on WITH EVERY ASPECT ! Com'mon people, don't spit up something that you're not even sure, wait..even if you're sure don't JUST SPIT it out like that, not only it might create confusion, but some misunderstanding, which is totally UNECESSARY ! So please, use your freakin brain that you have been givin since birth to think before you speak you morons.

Secondly, Nonsense people, as mentioned they don't use brains much, will try to plan something out of nothing. In short, they always failed in their planning, not to mentioned it will most like not turn out the way they want. Wait, did i mentioned it'll never goes well ? It's been so long that i already know that, they will never be on time, and people who're not good with time, they will never be good in planning. It's so true that you might wanna cut your balls out and eat it.

Third, it's a combination of liars and try to act cool people. Wait, they're still in Nonsense category people. Unlike those Conman or Coolguy, who at least they're smart. These nonsense people are freakin stupid when it comes to bluff people and trying to act cute. C'mon, if i have a hammer in my hand and got nothing to lose, i will freaking break your head off imediately to verify how empty your brain is. Enuff says.

In short, don't trust Nonsense people, they have no sense have all.

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Back to what i really wanted to write, in this world there will be no truth (Not referring to scientific terms or maths stuff), i'm talking about people. They might be a monk or paster or whatever they called themself, but their heart. You never know.

People are the one who decides what's right or wrong, people are the one who create words, people, are the who goes on majorities when it comes to feelings, people..are the one who decides on their on faith, and people, who decides on who will lead, and who will follow.

Sometimes i really wonder, how true is it for this world now ? you might be wondering what i'm talkin about. Let's see, we'll start with...how this world is formed..wait, that was too back away, or maybe i'll just say how ABC is actually invented, and why does words like HATE and LOVE exist in the first place.

For those Angels, they will think "Purifying the land, and eliminate all the devil, and treat everyone good" is a Good thing they do, and how they show their own love. While the devil, they will have to KILL all the angels, maintain their kind and treat those others whatever they want, in order to show them they exist. But wait, is that even wrong?

If you say is wrong, who were at fault actually ? Are those water meant for you to drink in the first place ? Are those vegies, chickens, and tree to be chop down just for your sake ? AND if to look into a bigger picture, is this world where you called earth, is somewhere where you can call it's your territory and named whatever you want like AMERICA or MALAYSIA ? Those are freaking nonsense. Those planet are not even called Venus or Mars or whatsoever, why would you even wanna create money and jail when people are actually meant to do whatever they want in the first place ?

People now are freaking materialize, even tho they are not, but they still IS. It's not that people are at fault for discovering something new and named it whatever they want, it's just that it's not something that you SHOULD brag about and tries to act the almighty as you want. I don't really care if you're a GOD or PRIME MINISTER. No matter how you put into it, you're still only An existence, something that exist mainly for the reason of existing. It's true that the Universe or milky way is big, but what if it's actually as small as a single DNA cell in our body, that ends once a person ends ? What if we're actually inside someone's single cell, and there's actually zillions of them multiply by infinity ?

Then you might think it's not necessary to think about it. Then please tell me, what are you reason on living ? Study, live, work, get married, have kids, be successful and die in grave ? Then what if after u die ?

People have been livin this kind of life for GENERATIONS, for what ? No one can actually answers it. You might have, but it has no ending and proper meaning if you're bein asked about it.

In short, there's no truth or true stuff in this world, things like those is just like candies to make babies happy. And please, i'm definitely not living in this world to do all those kind of things, i'll just be like everyone else, do whatever i want.

How far can it be ?

Sometimes i wonder if people would read back their own journal years ago regarding their life, and love relations.

I would, most of the time, that i would think whether it's necessary or not to say something, or to do something. But for most of the time, i think it's nonsense to do all those things. Wait, did i say nonsense ?

Anyway, i'm really getting tired of arguing on the things that i don't even think about it..or more like it doesn't really matter. I know it might matters to you and all, but is it necessary to bring it up each and everytime just because of some small things ? This sucks~