The more i care for someone, the more i hurt them

Sometimes, i really wonder why the hell i'm making such a decision, and also...what am i actually thinking...

It's true that i care for all these friends of mine alot, and they are very dear to me..but, to what extend, and do i actually deserve all these caring from them ? I really don't know about this.

I've been always thinking that i might be able to change my luck to a better one. But after so long, it's still the same. I'm still the fallenAngel where i think i am all the while.

Thinking back all the way even before i step into this world of friendship, world of nonsense, and this blog. My luck for everything is always a darker one. Let's see :-

First of all, i've been always thinking as a bringer of BAD LUCK ! This is one of the factor that i always trying to ignore, one of the illogical facts that i wouldn't wanna believe in. But, for some reason, this keep coming back to me. There's already a number of people that i cared so much, that i would actually bring bad luck to them interms of their happiness and future. Im not sure how to put this in, but...they usually end up being sad no matter what i did. Maybe, im just an asshole who doesn't know how to care of people. Take today as an example, i can't even prevent these kind of thing happening to her back then, not to say...i can't even do anything at all. For the first time after so long, i felt so helpless againts someone whom i cared for so much, someone...whom i think is important to me. Or maybe i am not taking this seriously, or maybe...im just confuse. Im sorry my dear, that..i couldn't do anything at all.

Secondly, being friendly. For all these while, i've been having problem communicating with other people, namely socializing. Not to say i am shy or whatever, i just..do not know what to say all the time. And, i tend to screw up everytime when i wanna do it, or even tried to do it. It seems that i have failed everytime even when i think of it. Till now, i am still wondering why is this happening to me. Or maybe, im just too used to being alone, or maybe...i just prefered to be alone. Even i myself are not sure of what i want.

And lastly, respect. Sometimes i wonder, if i really know what does respect means. I tried to understand in every aspect of everyone's thought. There are times that everything is so true that, i said something that people wouldn't wanna hear. Let's just say that, there's alot of time that i think i never respect others after saying out something. Well, there isn't any official complaint, but that's how i felt all the time, for all these while.

There is a confession to make from me right here, that of course i wouldn't want anyone to know about this. I accidentally fell in love with this girl, that i shouldn't, and not suppose to. Even i myself wouldn't care of all these until just now, when i see her like that. It hurt alot, especially when u can't do anything about it to help the one u like. And weird thing is, i don't even know her that long. Hopefully i wont step into the wrong lane of the road on my life, else...this is going to be very troublesome, not for me..but everyone around me..i never wish to had anyone else in my life anymore if i would hurt her, but as of now..i really hope she get her own happiness, and wouldn't put too much hope on me. I still care for her as much as i love her, but...it's still impossible, for me...for now to being with anyone at all..

Not only that, there's alot of conversation that i can't get myself into lately. Maybe im just too serious on people that i care of, until i do not dare to spit out some words, wait...i still don't understand why am i too serious on the things that people actually joke about. Im very sure it's just me, so..will i be able to catch up with their conversation ? or maybe im just in another world.

There's too many maybe that i am unsure of, that i do not think i would be able to find out. "Maybe", im wrong about them for being caring and all, and "Maybe" i should accept this way and just move on. "Maybe" the impossible will happen if i do, and "Maybe" i can handle it when the time comes, in the end, "Maybe" there will be alot of tears involve. I really don't know. Please, i do not want to lose so many ppl that dear to me anymore. The line of breaking down, is too near. That i might not be able to take it...

I just hope, those who dear to me, and those whom i love, will accept my forgiveness that im being helpless, and also...i am really sorry for not being able to do anything at all back then. Sorry...as i was too naive and thought everythign will be fine...