end of the road..

at a point where no one can be there when you need them
where things seems to be meaningless, everything seems to be out of touch, and even writing a blog seems pointless
i don't know what has gotten into me
where the time that i need someone to be there, i refused
there are people whom care for me
there are people who really wanna be there for me
there are still people whom still waiting for me
but still
at this point of time, nothing, and no one seems to, or will make any difference
i don't know
if i have given up on this world..

argh

my head is heavy, my mind is confused, and my thoughts is a mix.
seriously, i myself have no idea why am i so stressed, love ? friendship ? money ? family ? non of it seems to be not related, it's just that all the sudden i was like this, not headache, with no apparent reason, i am so damn stressed out.

i drive at 40 ~ 60km/h, i off all the sounds, can't listen to songs, its' like i'll go crazy if i'm around or among the crowds. please, whatever it is, help me..wait, probably...i just need a hug...zzz..i really don't know..

emotion disturbance...

i've been thru alot of emotional disturbance laterly, disorder and also alot of confusion.

i'll skip the detail, what i'm trying to say is...i've been acting quite abit of sensitive lately over every little single detail that people are saying, even tho sometimes, most of the time it appear to be no meaning or no harm, but still...i still don't understand why i myself would go and think of a smallest probability out of something which could be nothing. Who am i kidding anyway..

so....how big is my existance ?

Even up until this moment where i am chatting happily on msn, i wonder, AT ALL TIMES on how small my existance were. There are alot of times that i were only being called when i'm needed at certain time, which usually seasonal, and not something which is cause they want to see me or whatever. Seriously put, how hard is it to say "Thank You" after asking a favour or help from someone ? i'm not saying that every single thing you should say it or appreciate me like a king of whatsoever, but you know what, these things..it build up...as time pass by and you start to get used to taking things for granted, and then you start forgeting how important some existance were until they dissappear..WAAAiiiitdaaaminute...there are chance, that i weren't even remember even if i were to dissappear..probably..

emo ?

with so many things happening around
so many saddness, happiness revolving around
but with no good things happening around me.
Watching and remember back the show, saying there is no happy ending in reality
sometimes, the happy ones are those that we should create our own
something, that we shouldn't ignore, something that only we ourself can end it ourself.

But, at this point of time and event, the ending is definitely sad one
miracle, fairytale..non of it happily ever after gonna happen
non of it will even appear or even remembered
cause
there are always no happy ending.

so...what is it for..

i come home realizing there are much more than meets the eye
sometimes, you just can't let go the thing you care so much
sometimes, you just can't forgot what's most dear for you
sometimes, you just ignore and don't know what's best around you
sometimes, you just....don't know..

well as for me, i am quite sure what is important for me at this moment
because of who i am now, that's why i have a clearer view of what i wanna do
who i really wanna be with, why am i not with them
there are more reason for me to be alone, than to be with anyone else at all..
trust me
i'm sadder with the way i am now
and i'm happier as well..

is it me ?

is it me or you have been acting kind of weird lately
sometimes you just didn't pay attention
sometimes you don't feel like talking much
there are times when you just felt like doing whatever you wanna do
and to ignore everything else happening around you
so, does whatever shit happen around you not important anymore ?
or you just think you're the only one having the hard time
i seriously wanna know
what your heart truly tells you
and what you really wanna do.

#101

Sometimes i wonder, how significant my existance can be
who am i to you
who am i to him
who am i to this, that...bla bla bla
i won't made the same mistake again
falling in love the same way
going back the same path
and have a chance that history might repeat
everyday the only thing that i can do is
to watch over people dear to me getting hurt
people getting tear apart
being helpless
and sometimes, i just can't do anything.

Just imagine how strong it is
for someone to love someone
when everything else doesn't matter
and to missed out most of the important besides that
i know what position i am
i know who i am to you
i knew i might just be a decoy
or maybe i'm just someone u need when u're down
and of course i know what i should do
and even if you don't know or understand
or maybe even think i might be misunderstood or whatsoever
don't worry
cause no matter what happen, i'm still me..i'll just be there in the shadow
become just like a left hand
where no one will know i exist, helping in the shadow
just like what i've been always do before i seek for my own relationship
just when i called myself fallenangel
i really hope nothing more for myself
than to you
to everyone
of your own happiness
this is my New Year Wished that i wished for
when i'm at singapore
that i would rather sacrifice my own dream,
to wish for your dream came true
and i wont be as greedy as last time
to ask for more
than just to see you smile.

even tho it has reached 101 post
i am still deciding whether i should start let people read about this
or maybe
i should just keep this
until.....things get better and calmed...

i called out...

in my dream...
i called out your name
searching for you
tried so hard to reach for you
hug you whenever i can
give you a kiss
saying out loud i love you

that's when i realize how much you meant to me.
But all those i can only do it in my dream

but in reality
silently, alone...loving you from my own side
i can't exactly tell you how i feel
i can't tell you i love you
there will not be happiness
there will be no happy ending
i wonder
if there will be a day for us both
to be together
i doubt it
since the clock is ticking
and the time is ending
until the day we say goodbye
i just wanna be with you

i know..
it will never happen

Happy ? New Year ?

A new year for me started of with a badly high fever. Can say my dreams came true cause i wanted to sick on behalf of other people. So that i remember how to feels to be sick, and remember how to take care of my own so that i could take care of them when they sick in the future..

But still, doesn't mean it's the end. Fever at around 11AM++ on 1st January, went back down to KL around 9++ and can't sleep till now, that's a whopping 25 hours of non sleeping. Had nightmare and wake up almost every hour till now, and don't even know why i can't sleep at all. Headache damn bad now and really like wanna die. Please help me~